When not to talk to folks at bars

God Bless his heart.

Just next time, make sure you can at least check if a guy wears his heart on his sleeve before poppin' a "hello."

The Godfather engaged a lonely guy, sitting solo at The Little Bar in some conversation before the Super Bowl. The Godfather later admitted he really dropped the ball with that decision. He did.

Hey listen, people go to bars all by themselves lots of time. Most of the time, these people are loser alcoholics.

If I go to a bar 15 times a month, usually about twice I'll go solo. They happen. But I look approachable. I'm not weird. Nine times out of 10, I'll know someone at the bar and bullshit with them for three or four hours. It happens. I have no problems going to the bar by myself.

I failed to mention in the first graph that The Godfather wasn't even sitting next to the guy. I was. The Godfather sat next to a decently OK, drunk Cleveland Browns fan. I'd call that kid normal.

The Godfather asks the guy sitting next to me, "so, didn't I see you at Ted's the other day for lunch?" Mind you, this wasn't a hot chick. It wasn't some guy that he sort of knew and once again, this wasn't a chick. And it wasn't a hot chick. Also, The Godfather wasn't even sitting next to the guy.

The guy then explains that yes, it was him. He said something inaudible and The Godfather laughed like I would if a hot chick told me something unfunny. Really hard.

The guy then said, "so the next question would be, could I buy you a drink?"

Well, then!

The guy also had on a sleeveless red T-shirt and shorts. He was about 60 inches tall and hailed from somewhere in Asia and/or the South Pacific. He spoke broken English and asked The Godfather again for a drink and then asked me if I wanted a drink. He seemed upset and said, "Oh, so you're done drinking?"

This was about 6:21 p.m. The Godfather and I knew what was up. This guy was flat-out weird. And we'd have to sit next to him for the rest of the game.

I then sat there feeling a little uncomfortable as that gentleman kept looking over at us and just staring.

Again, he was wearing a shirt with no sleeves, was at a bar alone and had a man purse. This did not stop The Godfather from trying to engage the guy in conversation.

"I really dropped the ball there," The Godfather later would say. His face told the story of shame.

Sleeveless Guy would later offer to buy another guy and then a woman a drink. They both declined. When bartenders told him they couldn't get him a Grey Goose dirty martini, he went to the bathroom and never came back. His man purse just chilled on the back of the chair for the rest of the night. He left a nearly full beer.

About an hour later the Truth showed up and took his chair. Sadly, the Truth would take a sip of "warm beer." the Truth confused his Bud Light draft with the other guy's beer.


That'd be a story to tell at a bar. Just don't tell it to the guy in the sleeveless shirt.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

You going to the Club?

Watched the game with McGinley, McGinley's brother, McCampus, the Truth ("you going to the Club?") and The Godfather in The Little Bar. Eastern side of bar.

"Drinking water, Truth?," I asked the Truth ("you going to the Club?").

"Big day at work, tomorrow," he said, "I got to get up early."

the Truth ("you going to the Club?") then asked me if I was "going to Club 185" three times in a 20-minute span near the end of the game. Each time I answered no in a more forceful manner. Perhaps the "Club" had more accessible H2O.

McGinley and The Godfather both joined the Truth ("you going to the Club?") on the DWB (drink water brigade) but neither of them asked me if I was "going to the Club?"

Saw two new old-faces bartending. They didn't have old-looking faces. I've just seen them working in there before (but not for awhile). The Butt (girl with the nice butt) and Skinny Exotic (S.E. for short). Skinny Exotic is the bartender that is skinny and looks exotic, in case you didn't know.

I hate Florida so obviously they won the BCS title. Ohio State finished No. 9 in The AP Rankings.

Before they spilled the Gatorade on Florida coach Urban Meyer, the Truth ("you going to the Club?") informed us all that he was taking off to go to the "Club."

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Ohio State 67, Notre Dame 62

It seems like the Ohio State basketball team takes awhile to get warmed up.

They start each game with the pass-it-around-the-3-point-line-for-30-seconds-and-then-take-and-miss-a-bad-shot offense before settling into a groove and wearing teams down with defensive pressure, athleticism and decent depth. They'll have a good years before losing in the first or second round of the NCAA tournament. But they're enjoyable to watch. Even though we know they're going to flame out, we'll still watch and support.

About midnight on Saturday night came our flame out.

Anticipating a crazy, hanging-from-the-rafters-type evening, we went to a basketball game, had a sit down dinner, went to a bar with seven people in it before heading to a couple of others bars before half our posse houdini'd and left The Godfather and I at the bar. Guess it was time to leave. This came at about 12:07 a.m. when the bar started to fill up, there was about a 50-50 male/female split and we'd never have to worry about seeing any of those people ever again. I also had been drinking heavily and had the quickest buzzkill in Hoosier State history.

I had heard some legendary stories of road trips to Indianapolis.

My New Year's (starting today) Resolution is to never houdini. It kills evenings. I mean, I know it doesn't all the time but still.

That's the thing with expectations. Very rarely do you have a hanging-from-the-rafters-type evening. But I thought Saturday would make it happen.

Great time at the Ohio State-Notre Dame. We were exactly the dicks you thought we'd be to Notre Dame fans. We had amazing fucking seats. I liked Lucas Oil Stadium and the game was wildly entertaining, Ohio State led most of the way and I had a 96-ounce lemonade in a souvenir container.

Enjoyed the drive to and from the game. We talked about Facebook a lot. I made some tweets on other occurrences but not currencies (foreign or otherwise). Props to McGinley and The Godfather (the liberal who said that college professors are responsible for jump-starting a state's economy) for providing the plans and the wheels.

Little did I know I'd have the most crazy fun Friday night at BAR LOUIE'S which still sucks and what not but had a good high top, talked to chicks and tried to go drink-for-drink, shot-for-shot with Logan Mankins Jr. (Wyoming Guy). Not a good move. I think Wyoming Guy is like 6-foot-5, 300 pounds and has a beard or something. I don't know if he actually has a beard but when I think back to the month he was around Columbus, I'll remember the (supposed) beard.

The Little Bar saved this NFL season. I look forward to Sundays again. Leodis! (Lee-otis.) Sometimes on the German Village Media Family of Networks (GVMFoN) we say something and you're all like, "what the fuck are they talking about?" Leodis is a defensive back on the Buffalo Bills. Bills fans always yell his first name so we do too. Leeeeeeottttttis.

Crazy Steelers Guy from a few weeks back was in the building and I told The Godfather, "he's out-Bills-fans-ing the Bills fans!" He is insane. He did four consecutive upper-cut fist pumps (alternating hands ... from a crouching position) while yelling "whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." I can't wait for next Sunday. Hot, friendly bartender (I think The Godfather and myself nearly proposed), hilarious owner-type-dude that live wagers on Internet gambling sites, a Canadian guy that progressively got more and more chatty and drunk (we never knew his name) and the bartender's heaven-sent-ass. Plus Bills fan. I've now named the four Bills fans:

1. Marshawn - The leader. Works at OSU hospital and gets real drunk on Sundays. Don't get sick on Mondays.
2. Whitner - Quiet guy. Doesn't drink.
3. Beard - Yells a lot has a rocking huge beard.
4. Edwards - Most negative fan. Hates Derrick Dockery and once said ... "The Bills have two players. Leodis and Marshawn."

The 1 got their early and we sat at the bar (great move). We made friends and hung out there for about four hours. I could have stayed longer but the bartender's shift was up which prompted us to ask, "so what are good nights of the week here ... that you work?"

We'll be watching the Fiesta Bowl there and maybe New Years Eveing it. She works a lot of jobs.

Got home and started to drink at nine. Fell asleep at 1 a.m.

I'm heading over to the trendys for "Gossip Girl" tonight.

I really thought I had a chance to date the girl I've currently been seeing for more than six weeks (a record for me since moving to the German Village) but about five weeks in ... that's about over. She's all the sudden "studying" a lot more and "passing out at 1." Remember that time you chose studying over hanging out with someone you wanted to see? I haven't seen her since this past Tuesday and look forward to asking her out (and being denied) two more times. I mean seriously. Why not just say, "look, you're fun to talk to but I am not going to hang out with you again." Would it be that hard?

It's like with Dorothy from Halloween. I flat out told her: "You live in Cleveland. I liked hanging out with you so I'm not going to lead you on." It took about four seconds. WTF.

I bet that you love reading this shit.

Happy fucking Monday.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

While you were away: Little Bar on Sundays

(Leodis)

OK, first of all:

Props to The Little Bar. They take care of you. Great service. The hot bartender in the Browns No. 82 jersey looked really hot today. The 1 said so himself.

The 1 and I got there at 1 (oddly enough) and ordered the most food ever from Wings & Brew (real name of the place). I still have "mild wings" burps going on. That cheese bread is fantastic.

The Bills Fans yelled "Leodis" upon our entrance and 31 times throughout the game. They ripped off their jerseys when the Bills lost to the 49ers. They averaged 1.2 f-bombs per minute. They turned on each other. That's what I loved. They flipped off the television screen and said "Beast Mode" 600 times. I major in hyperbole but these are all real stats. I didn't throw any pencils at The 1 but we had a grand fucking time, each sucking down three 22-ounce beers and at least 3,000 calories of fried food.

We left at 4 p.m. and it was raining and cold and then I got home and realized I had nothing to do until the time I went to bed. I decided to do laundry and start drinking at 9 p.m. I did it. I accomplished something. Chest bump? Chest bump.

God, I had a good day. I had a great Saturday night and a better Friday and an even better Thursday. I will continue to update you as I see fit.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Bye, Weekend

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Have you ever seen that guy on TV? He's pretty awesome. I need to have a 20-minute conversation about him with trendy because I'm sure trendy has his thoughts and feelings on Pat Caddell. I know he'll say ... in these exact words ... "Oh yeah, that guy? He's awesome. Total badass. Total." He'll move his right hand up when he says that last "total." I know it's an odd combo but I'd love to send Godsmack, McGinley, trendy and my dad on a "seven-day talk politics cruise." The conversation would last well after the ship docked. Or until the Miller Lites ran out. The latter probably would happen in about 17 hours.

Listen to me. Being all smart with the sea-faring lingo.

I am hurting this morning. My body is numb in some places. I am sore. No real attention span to speak of. But I actually am getting a lot done at work and had a 7:30 a.m. breakfast meeting. I never have thought so much at 7:30 a.m. My brain hurts too. I had pancakes and scrambled eggs.

I cracked open the first suds last night around 9 p.m. and texted Dorothy from Halloween. I'll get to that. Trying to get to you, too. And that booty.

We had a great exchange (no ATM fees) and I settled into watching a special episode of "Hannity and Colmes" around 10 p.m. That's when I started marveling at Caddell. First off. He looks dead. Like I don't know what dead people look like (nobody does, that's why they look different in all scary movies) but I thought he was a corpse. Then he just said like 15 things that I agree with without being a bastard. I love FOX News. They have on that he's a "former Democratic pollster" so we think he's on "the other side." Ann Coulter also was on and she looks hot after you've had a 22-ounce Heineken can and three 16-ounce Miller Lites also cans. So I'm thinking ... "It's Coulter against Caddell!" But it's not, he just made great sense and I'd probably vote for him if he ever ran for president. He's also younger than my dad and I canfuckingnot believe that.

Watched "Entourage" and really liked Gary Cole's character. I like that actor despite sitting here and being unable to tell you one movie he's ever been in.

Then I got to texting this girl I met at the Ugly Tuna a few Thursdays ago. I remember she was hot and 21. She also has a cool first name. She had a boyfriend at the time. I hadn't heard from her in about a week but she sent me a text last night (11:14 p.m.) that said, "How was your weekend" She didn't include a question mark and I'm not really a stickler when it comes to punctuation in texts. And she's hot and 21.

Turns out "some recent events" happen to be her breaking up with her boyfriend. We then went tit for tat on texts until 1:31 a.m. I didn't get hammered last night (unlike Friday and Saturday) but I definitely had a good buzz. I sent some GREAT texts. If I blogged after a Friday night out, I'd probably win a Pulitzer. Seriously. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I entertain.

Walking home from the Arena District (with the Truth no less!!) on Friday night had to be the highlight of the weekend. I turned right onto High Street (near Hyde Park) and bumped into the Truth (who was walking north). We had been separated early in the night. It took about an hour. Not a bad walk. We sang "I know what them girls, I know, I know what them girls" like about 500 times and he called a random chick and had the most hilarious conversation ever with her on speaker phone and this is a family-oriented blog so I won't get into that business. They used the word lube.

My fangs didn't work on Friday night so I decided to just wear a suit out with that ridiculous cap I wear on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day. I also rocked a "Another Democrat for McCain" sticker both Friday and Saturday night. Sleepy is so perplexed and shocked that I'm an "arch conservative." He's awesome. The Godfather and I are on a full-out plan to get him to move here. There's no plan or whatever but we did tell him to move here. It's not a real strong argument but it ain't flimsy either.

I just loved Friday night around 11:30 p.m. the Truth came over dressed as Jim Tressel. He killed it. And we tried to get my fangs to work by boiling down this plastic substance. We looked like we were cooking up meth. It didn't work. You really can't boil water in a microwave. It's just not possible. The Godfather came over and we went to The Patio ($10 cover charge?) and met Rainbow Bright and Headband there. Sleepy showed up, as well. Sleepy had a long heart-to-heart conversation with a random chick who threw beer on people. It included this exchange: "This is the second time today I've been nice to you." ... "Well, fuck you." Awesome.

I swear every chick was dressed as a hotass amazon girl or indian. I just saw so many flat bellies. That's the highlight of the weekend. So many flat bellies. Rainbow Bright gave me shit that I wasn't paying attention to her when we were talking but Jesus Christ, I had a lot of stuff to look at! I failed to make eye contact with anyone I talked to the entire night. I wish the night could have lasted 600 hours. Maybe that's why we walked home.

I met a girl I really like while on the dance floor outside. I went to lunch with her the next day. At Tuttle Mall. That all happened. She was dressed as Dorothy (from "The Wizard of Oz" ... not the one-time gubernatorial candidate) and I commented that Dorothy wore calf high white socks (cotton?) not thigh highs. We hit it off. I don't know what happened but I like talking to this girl, she's fun to listen to, down to earth, is about 5'3'', 100 pounds. It's a dream situation. She lives in Cleveland. Obviously I'll blow it because I'm a firm believer that everyone should just have four or five people they hook up with on occasion and she probably won't be down for that. BUT. But ... I like spending time with her and we'll see what happens. I met her two days ago.

Everyone left and I started walking home. Not enough cabs for all those flat bellies. That's when I ran into the Truth. What a walk. We received "life coaching" from a random near the Statehouse. Of course we did! He (homeless) probably stuck around for the BHO rally on Sunday. I can't wait for the election to be over so I don't have to see The Sports Writer perform Facebook Fellatio on Obama until maybe 2012. I still will be facebooking.

I felt shitty on Saturday from about 2 p.m. until 8 p.m. Then I went over the Truth's and started drinking again while he put on his costume. He was the best Joker. It's not even close. I can't wait to see pictures. I went as Bill from "True Blood." There he is. I looked good. I might dye my hair black. I look sweet. He's a vampire. He's undead. Like Pat Caddell.


The McCampus Party at Callahans rocked. It sort of was more "grown up." Not so much when certain peoples toked up outside on the patio. But most of the girls wore non-slutty costumes. The Godfather houdini'd real early. It was one of the more shocking non-The Mayor houdinis in a long time. I left around 2:30 a.m. ... which I think actually was 3:30 a.m. The time change did not affect me at all this year. I had no idea of time. My text messages on Saturday night weren't as good.

Another awesome day at The Little Bar despite the Browns. We stopped on the way home for milkshakes. What a shitty sports weekend for me ... Cavs, Browns and Blue Jackets all losers and the Buckeyes didn't even play. The Texas-Texas Tech game obviously was awesome.

So was the weekend.

Mascot Bevo

Here's the ad. It's the first time I've ever mentioned cars on this blog.



The last four seconds says, "saved by zero, saved by zero." I have no idea what that means. I don't have facial hair and look rugged and wear flannels hence I don't know anything about cars. I do have a somewhat good looking, manly chin.

So today I went to BDL and then The Little Bar. (Little bar, big enthusiasm.) And I'll talk more about that tomorrow but we saw the above commercial at least 600 times during the Browns game. Big win.

As you know, us three began adding words to the end of the ad-ver-tis-ment.

saved by zero, saved by zero:

"Don't wear speedos." - The Godfather
"Mascot Bevo." - The Godfather
"That's my creedo." - The 1
"Eating cheetohs." - All
"Garlic cheese-o." - Art McGregor

Obviously mine was the worst and we spent about 10 minutes doing this as the game carried on. First-letter-of-the-alphabet GREAT Sunday.

- From the desk of Art McGregor