Bye, Weekend

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Have you ever seen that guy on TV? He's pretty awesome. I need to have a 20-minute conversation about him with trendy because I'm sure trendy has his thoughts and feelings on Pat Caddell. I know he'll say ... in these exact words ... "Oh yeah, that guy? He's awesome. Total badass. Total." He'll move his right hand up when he says that last "total." I know it's an odd combo but I'd love to send Godsmack, McGinley, trendy and my dad on a "seven-day talk politics cruise." The conversation would last well after the ship docked. Or until the Miller Lites ran out. The latter probably would happen in about 17 hours.

Listen to me. Being all smart with the sea-faring lingo.

I am hurting this morning. My body is numb in some places. I am sore. No real attention span to speak of. But I actually am getting a lot done at work and had a 7:30 a.m. breakfast meeting. I never have thought so much at 7:30 a.m. My brain hurts too. I had pancakes and scrambled eggs.

I cracked open the first suds last night around 9 p.m. and texted Dorothy from Halloween. I'll get to that. Trying to get to you, too. And that booty.

We had a great exchange (no ATM fees) and I settled into watching a special episode of "Hannity and Colmes" around 10 p.m. That's when I started marveling at Caddell. First off. He looks dead. Like I don't know what dead people look like (nobody does, that's why they look different in all scary movies) but I thought he was a corpse. Then he just said like 15 things that I agree with without being a bastard. I love FOX News. They have on that he's a "former Democratic pollster" so we think he's on "the other side." Ann Coulter also was on and she looks hot after you've had a 22-ounce Heineken can and three 16-ounce Miller Lites also cans. So I'm thinking ... "It's Coulter against Caddell!" But it's not, he just made great sense and I'd probably vote for him if he ever ran for president. He's also younger than my dad and I canfuckingnot believe that.

Watched "Entourage" and really liked Gary Cole's character. I like that actor despite sitting here and being unable to tell you one movie he's ever been in.

Then I got to texting this girl I met at the Ugly Tuna a few Thursdays ago. I remember she was hot and 21. She also has a cool first name. She had a boyfriend at the time. I hadn't heard from her in about a week but she sent me a text last night (11:14 p.m.) that said, "How was your weekend" She didn't include a question mark and I'm not really a stickler when it comes to punctuation in texts. And she's hot and 21.

Turns out "some recent events" happen to be her breaking up with her boyfriend. We then went tit for tat on texts until 1:31 a.m. I didn't get hammered last night (unlike Friday and Saturday) but I definitely had a good buzz. I sent some GREAT texts. If I blogged after a Friday night out, I'd probably win a Pulitzer. Seriously. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I entertain.

Walking home from the Arena District (with the Truth no less!!) on Friday night had to be the highlight of the weekend. I turned right onto High Street (near Hyde Park) and bumped into the Truth (who was walking north). We had been separated early in the night. It took about an hour. Not a bad walk. We sang "I know what them girls, I know, I know what them girls" like about 500 times and he called a random chick and had the most hilarious conversation ever with her on speaker phone and this is a family-oriented blog so I won't get into that business. They used the word lube.

My fangs didn't work on Friday night so I decided to just wear a suit out with that ridiculous cap I wear on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day. I also rocked a "Another Democrat for McCain" sticker both Friday and Saturday night. Sleepy is so perplexed and shocked that I'm an "arch conservative." He's awesome. The Godfather and I are on a full-out plan to get him to move here. There's no plan or whatever but we did tell him to move here. It's not a real strong argument but it ain't flimsy either.

I just loved Friday night around 11:30 p.m. the Truth came over dressed as Jim Tressel. He killed it. And we tried to get my fangs to work by boiling down this plastic substance. We looked like we were cooking up meth. It didn't work. You really can't boil water in a microwave. It's just not possible. The Godfather came over and we went to The Patio ($10 cover charge?) and met Rainbow Bright and Headband there. Sleepy showed up, as well. Sleepy had a long heart-to-heart conversation with a random chick who threw beer on people. It included this exchange: "This is the second time today I've been nice to you." ... "Well, fuck you." Awesome.

I swear every chick was dressed as a hotass amazon girl or indian. I just saw so many flat bellies. That's the highlight of the weekend. So many flat bellies. Rainbow Bright gave me shit that I wasn't paying attention to her when we were talking but Jesus Christ, I had a lot of stuff to look at! I failed to make eye contact with anyone I talked to the entire night. I wish the night could have lasted 600 hours. Maybe that's why we walked home.

I met a girl I really like while on the dance floor outside. I went to lunch with her the next day. At Tuttle Mall. That all happened. She was dressed as Dorothy (from "The Wizard of Oz" ... not the one-time gubernatorial candidate) and I commented that Dorothy wore calf high white socks (cotton?) not thigh highs. We hit it off. I don't know what happened but I like talking to this girl, she's fun to listen to, down to earth, is about 5'3'', 100 pounds. It's a dream situation. She lives in Cleveland. Obviously I'll blow it because I'm a firm believer that everyone should just have four or five people they hook up with on occasion and she probably won't be down for that. BUT. But ... I like spending time with her and we'll see what happens. I met her two days ago.

Everyone left and I started walking home. Not enough cabs for all those flat bellies. That's when I ran into the Truth. What a walk. We received "life coaching" from a random near the Statehouse. Of course we did! He (homeless) probably stuck around for the BHO rally on Sunday. I can't wait for the election to be over so I don't have to see The Sports Writer perform Facebook Fellatio on Obama until maybe 2012. I still will be facebooking.

I felt shitty on Saturday from about 2 p.m. until 8 p.m. Then I went over the Truth's and started drinking again while he put on his costume. He was the best Joker. It's not even close. I can't wait to see pictures. I went as Bill from "True Blood." There he is. I looked good. I might dye my hair black. I look sweet. He's a vampire. He's undead. Like Pat Caddell.


The McCampus Party at Callahans rocked. It sort of was more "grown up." Not so much when certain peoples toked up outside on the patio. But most of the girls wore non-slutty costumes. The Godfather houdini'd real early. It was one of the more shocking non-The Mayor houdinis in a long time. I left around 2:30 a.m. ... which I think actually was 3:30 a.m. The time change did not affect me at all this year. I had no idea of time. My text messages on Saturday night weren't as good.

Another awesome day at The Little Bar despite the Browns. We stopped on the way home for milkshakes. What a shitty sports weekend for me ... Cavs, Browns and Blue Jackets all losers and the Buckeyes didn't even play. The Texas-Texas Tech game obviously was awesome.

So was the weekend.

Ohio State 28, Troy 10

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

A couple hundred times this weekend I heard something and thought, "that'd be an awesome headline on the blog!"

But The Godfather pointed out:

"That's the bad thing about hanging out with the Truth. You never remember anything."

I walked back to The Mayor's house this morning to pick up my car. It was still there from Friday night. the Truth gave us a ride home on Friday night. German Village ain't exactly Jacksonville, Fla. when it comes to land mass.

"I might run out of gas," said the Truth, as he dropped me off about .7 miles (a 10-minute walk) from my house.

I sent a text to The Godfather early yesterday morning that said, "let's go to the EGG as early as possible."

I left the EGG last night around 11 p.m. Obviously, I was there still drinking as the theme of the day seemed to be "Yes, I'll have another beer." I rolled up a $38 tab on beer only. On a Sunday. You need it when watching the Browns.

I really think I've had two seminal moments since moving back to The German Village in 2005:

A Seeing The Mayor (black North Face) and The Godfather (gray Ohio State hoodie) at Club 185 on Friday, Oct. 28, 2005 and B the time at The EGG when The 1 said, "we're staying here until dusk."

You deserve to have Sunday Fundays. You should be out there drinking. Think back to that Sunday in July when you sat around, didn't shower, flipped channels for seven hours and struggled to fall asleep at night because you were so inactive throughout the course of the day.

The Godfather left the EGG at about 7:30 p.m. last night. I went over and talked to The EGG Guys for about two hours before they left. I just sat at the bar and watched the Yankees game and a little of the Packers game. I sent too many text messages to an old girlfriend in Baltimore.

When it all started, it was all good.

I walked into The Mayor's on Friday night and saw McCampus.

"You used to get a lot more excited to see me," he said.

True story. Dot org.

Seeing him was great as he pretty much says the funniest things ever. We (of course) retreated into the living room to watch baseball highlights on mute.

In that same way, it was good to have a funny text message exchange with The 1 throughout the weekend. I don't remember any of them.

That's the truth. And the Truth.

One person I did not see or hear from this weekend was NJAG. On Friday, Aug. 8 I went over her house and ate Tostitos. Then we went to The Patio. Then she said she wanted to get food at 185 and I didn't (already had had the corn chips), so she left and I haven't heard from her since.

For the first time since Thursday, Aug. 28, I went to The Patio. Ended up there on Saturday night. I had a blast on Saturday.

"I can't wait for next Saturday," I said to The Godfather Parents yesterday at lunch at Mad Mex.

Mad Mex? Eh. I thought a steak taco was just like a normal taco. I thought a taco had steak meat in it. It doesn't. Did like the rice though.

The key to Saturday was constant movement after laying around all day until 3 p.m. Got to V.C. at 3:45 p.m. and spent an hour or so talking to this Hot Jill Girl and her mom and thinking, "I can't believe I used to have sleepovers with this girl. (daughter not mom)"

Seeing Johnny K was awesome and he made small talk with the mom. I told him, "You smell like the beach!" He did. That's the awesome thing about Johnny K. He always looks like he just got home from the beach. In Ohio.

Spent a lot of time at the inside/outside bar at The Varsity Club. The Intern's brother played baseball at Ohio State a few years back so he was surrounded by the hottest chicks in the history of Columbus. I just stayed there for about an hour.

Went back outside and talked to The Doctor. Bringing girlfriends to Ohio State games is a great idea. Sarcasm is the act of lying on purpose.

Also chatted with a really ugly (not nice) Canadian (!!) chick for about 20 minutes. It could have been six minutes. We discussed Wayne Gretzky and what I was doing later that night. She was probably 32 but looked 43. I prefer when they're 18 and look 16.

Kinda fooled around with a really drunk chick for a little bit who stumbled and fell. Like. On the ground. She was so drunk she fell over.

Walked up to B-Dubs (after pledgin' NEVER AGAIN) and met up with The Godfather and two couples. McGinley wasn't in town so The Godfather was not a part of any couple and I wouldn't couple until hours later.

The Godfather actually stole a beer from the bar. He reached over the bar and took it out of the cooler. I've never seen that done before. I love when I see something for the first time.

Felt like I was seeing St. Patrick's Day Girl for the first time. Ran into her at Patio and then we made out (inside bar and then outside bar) in full view of about 200 people. It was my second bar face sucking session of the day. This girl didn't fall over.

She looked amazing. I don't remember her being that good looking. She has a couple upper back/neck TATS that added to the hottness.

Also saw Hooters Girl there and she said hello. She didn't respond to my text yesterday.

The night really kicked off when the Truth rolled into B-Dubs about eight seconds before The Godfather houdini'd to go to a PARTY IN THE GERMAN VILLAGE.

"It was kind of lame," he'd later say. "I kind of dozed off."

Truth and I went to Four Kegs where we talked to chicks about god knows what. Maybe chewing gum? Truth always ALWAYS has gum. Then we hung out in a parking lot behind the bar for five or ten minutes.

"Do you smoke?" McCampus asked Joe Incognito/Esera a night before.

"What? Pot? Meth?" Incognito/Esera responded.

Mayorfest '08 kicked ass. We (like you didn't know!) ended up chucking beer cans at each other and pouring beer on ourselves. This was about 2:10 a.m. It was me, the Truth, The Mayor and The Godfather. Average age? About 32.

I am sure I've leaving a lot out.

I can't wait for next Saturday.

USC 35, Oh** St*t* 3

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

What a pisser.

I've made a few mistakes. Like today. And I've only been up since 9 a.m. No power in my office! Whoot. Whoot. OK, OK ... here's a third WHOOT.

Now take those mistakes and ... you get the point. An exponential amount of mistakes Arthur C. McGregor has piled up through the years. Even when I tell people I'm 26. That's still a lot of years.

With a toe in the Pacific Ocean on Friday morning, I felt grounded. I made a mistake. I should have lived in California at some point.

Felt at home. My dad noticed and said as much. He told me, "you should live out here. You'd fit in."

It's simple. It's more laid back. I don't know how to quantify that but being in Hermosa Beach and Newport Beach (RIP Marissa Cooper) and Manhattan Beach, I felt good. The weather is perfect. People kind of drift around. No one seems in a hurry to do anything. Everyone seems happy. There's no clocks anywhere. It's never too warm. It's never too cold. I made a mistake.

So did Ohio State. They god damn sucked on Saturday night. I'm sure you've heard by now. No need to go further.

Fuck USC fans. Yes, there are tons of good ones ... and the fans tailgating (for the most part) were amazingly nice. And every girl with a "THETA '08" T-shirt was just amazing. I made sure to yell at most of them.

The tailgate was awesome. Much like what you see in movies. Makes sense being that the game was in L.A. Also, it's like what it'd be like if people could tailgate on the oval. Tons of mini tents and grills, walkways, footballs being passed around. The band and Song Girls marching around. Um. Heaven. Me and The Dr. (and Hammer) loved it. We ate at least 600 pieces of chicken that our boy Vinnie made for us. No utensils either. We had to look hot. About 13 beers deep, eating grilled chicken (on the bone) with our fingers. No napkins.

Also, NO open container rules. You could pretty much just drink wherever. Didn't see Utah or The Mayor. Saw TR O'Bannon and his former flame. The flame showed up at his tailgate? (Cheap Trick?)

God, I'm good.

Fans at the game were ASSHOLES. When they come to Ohio next year, no mercy. Treat every one of them (about 12 will travel) with complete hatred. We owe them nothing. They rubbed it in as worse as I've ever heard. I went to a Browns-Steelers playoff game in '03 and the Steeler fans weren't that bad.

I wish I had more trips like that with my dad. That's the awesome part. We had a great time. Other than the USC girls, the best part of the trip.

Tons of Buckeyes made the trip out there. We represented. At least off the field.

Will I ever go to a road game? Yes. I love it. Even if we lost, it was still awesome being there and seeing something new. The Dr. and I ogled and bullshitted (spelling?) with hotties for seven or eight hours pre-game. We made fun of people, yelled at people and made new friends. We combined to buy 90 beers at a combined price of around $90. We drank about 60 of them between the three of us.

The Browns blew on Sunday but what else is new. I told you they had a ZERO PERCENT chance of winning. I have NEVER missed when I said ZERO PERCENT chance of winning. LISTEN TO ME PEOPLE. A Cleveland team will NEVER win anything. NEVER.

Watched most of the NFL on Sunday at a bar called GRUNIONS. Legit had some Internet porn chicks in there with big dudes that look like Billy Walsh from "Entourage" only with crazy mustaches and bigger.

4.5 stars out of five for the trip.

Can't wait for 11.8.08. (Northwestern trip.)

Ohio University 14, Ohio State 26

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run columnist

Sometime around 6 p.m. Saturday, I turned to The Godfather and asked, "do you just want to go back to the Village?"

I had had it. Couldn't get drunk at the Varsity Club. Tired of talking and/or answering questions. Tired of being told my hair used to look better or that I'm too picky or about bowel movements. Tired of tension surrounding talking about politics and hatred toward feminism. Silly libs.

Wanted to move on (dot org) and regroup.

Had the night mapped out in my head: Go home, relax, shower, head back out around 10 or 11 p.m.

His answer? A resounding "no." He wanted to go meet up with some people at B-Dubs and we did. And my quest to drink 430 beers without getting a buzz moved due east, as the crow flies along Lane Avenue to B-Dubs.

Saw a couple of friends of my sister and ate 78 boneless chicken wings. Did that thing where you sit down after six hours of drinking in the sun. That's always fun.

Thought the night was complete but The Godfather (The Godfather!) wanted to move to The Little Bar. That I can't complain about. I enjoy The Little Bar, formerly Lee's Market, no doubt some kind of speakeasy in the 1990s. You remember that place? Of course you do. I remember I ate dinner a couple of times at those apartments across the street. Friends of Johnny Jihad lived there. My how times have changed. Not really.

Thought it was good seeing Esq. earlier in the day at The Varsity Club. She's pretty fun to talk to. She says funny shit about shit and doesn't seem to have the filter thing in her brain. I asked about NJAG (haven't heard from her in a month after hearing from her daily for two weeks) and living in Cincinnati.

The day kind of represented the weekend. OK. Borderline bad. Hopefully the worst of the football season. The bar always is raised high on gamedays. And it was cool seeing Rainbow Bright and her people, but I would have liked to have done more.

Friday night it rained buckets right around the time I wanted to head out. If I hear one more fucking person say, "we need it!" I'm going to do nothing. Just pisses the shit out of me. If it's raining, it's Friday night in central Ohio.

Even the EGG let us down, although that's more because of the Browns performance. The EGG Guys were there, as were the bevy of bitties they travel with. Fuck. Me and The 1 came alone. That's what she said.

"Entourage" was OK. That's a pitfall of a 23-minute show. They had a lot to catch up on and they got things rolling for season five.

I'm probably being more hard (that's what she said) on the weekend than I need to be, but it just ... Ohio State is lousy and the Browns are worse. I am tired of rooting for the Clowns. They have the worst fucking pass rush I've ever seen. They run fades to the sideline on 3rd and 2. They fumble snaps on 3rd and 1. They give up first downs on every third down. They drop balls. They miss tackles. Same. Old. Browns.

They have a ZERO PERCENT chance of beating Pittsburgh this weekend. In the past year, I've rocked a "ZERO PERCENT chance" on three games (Indians/Sox Game 7, Indians/ChiSox in May, Indians/Rockies in June) and I've been right 100 percent of the time.

I thought of something really odd about OSU football. Since I moved to the German Village on Oct. 14, 2005, the Ohio State Buckeyes are 31-1 in regular season games. That's fucking crazy. While they don't have a ZERO PERCENT chance this weekend against USC, they aren't winning. I am Mr. Optimism on OSU Football, but they are going to get rolled. Take it from me. Do not THINK WE ARE GOING TO WIN. Don't. Enjoy the game. Enjoy Saturday leading up to it. Enjoy the fact that I'll be out in Manhattan Beach.

Just know that when this column comes back next week, Ohio State will be the second team listed in the headline again.