Rivlary Week ... sometimes

I know ESPN is excited to hype Wednesday night's Duke-UNC game (it's a rightfully-hype-able game) but they made an odd choice last night during "Big Monday."

Throughout the night, announcers Sean McDonough and Ron Franklin continuously said something along the lines of "Rivalry Week returns in two days with Syracuse at Connecticut and the big one, North Carolina at Duke."

Tonight's slate on ESPN features Michigan State at Michigan (a decent enough rivalry) and Florida at Kentucky. Florida and Kentucky have each won two national titles in the past 13 years. The two teams have just about won 25 percent of the national titles in the past dozen years. Florida played in the Final Four in 1994 and lost in the title game in 2000. Kentucky always makes the tournament. Plus they have been known to have a hot chick or two. That's a rivalry, is is not?


Why not say, "Rivalry Week continues in two days" instead of "returns ..."?

Good for UNC and Duke playing on a Wednesday night. I think all regular season college basketball should be played on Wednesday, Thursday or Saturday. I freaking hate Sunday games and Monday or Tuesday games just lack a certain amount of excitement for me.

Outside of Ohio State games, for whatever reason I really remember watching Duke-UNC games while in college. Nothing better than going to Panini's South on a cold Thursday night in February and watching the Cameron Crazies get after the Heels.

Dems were the days.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Guide to Ohio college girls

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

This post is inspired by this one from Awful Announcing. Hat tip to German Village Media's The Godfather.

Ever wonder what college girls are like at Ohio's public universities? Look no further.

Ohio State - Wears sweatpants to class ... Goes tanning at least twice a week ... Knows at least five football players ... Hair is colored and shoulder length ... Wears jerseys to football games ... Has affiliation with big-time city and proclaims to be a huge fan of its pro sports teams despite not ever watching any of their games ... Is either a close friend to or a bartender at campus bar ... Has at least one but no more than two black female friends ... Has a 41 percent chance of not even being a student at Ohio State despite what her Facebook says ... Dances on bars ... Goes out on Wednesdays and usually Mondays in addition to Thursday, Friday and Saturday ... Rarely has a boyfriend but always is fucking ... Has hooked up with a black guy ... Sends text messages at least three hours a day ... Will not graduate in four years ... Has a Jewish male friend from Cleveland area that wears glasses and smokes pot ... Will still be bartending by age 25 ... Smokes when she drinks ... she has at least one ugly fat friend.

Cincinnati - Couldn't get into Miami (Ohio) .. Hangs out at campus fraternities with future waiters of the world ... Did a stint at a community college before taking plunge ... Visits better-looking friends at Miami (Ohio) on the weekends and gets fucked by frat guys and/or athletes ... Will be overweight by the time she's 27 ... Likely still has a thing for her football-playing boyfriend from high school ... Hates that she goes to school at an urban campus ... she doesn't stick around Cincinnati in the summer.

Kent State University - Reads only magazines ... Thinks, "well, at least I'm not going to Akron" ... Goes tanning at least three times a week ... Wants to be a teacher ... Goes home a lot on the weekends ... Has friends she calls "her bitches" ... Travels exclusively in packs of girls that aren't really hot but aren't really ugly ... Has one really hot classmate/friend from Powell, Ohio or a private school in Columbus ... Goes to class twice a week ... Parties at some dudes apartment (who one of her roommates is definitely fucking) or frat houses ... Drinks only Natural Light ... Won't ever hold a job for more than a year ... Will get married in her hometown by the time she's 24 ... Loves to eat late-night food ... Starves herself the rest of the time ... Loves taking pictures with her friends in various fun poses despite nothing ever being fun in Kent, Ohio ... Just is glad she's not living at home ... Has 13 percent chance at graduating ... she takes it in the ass.

Bowling Green University - Couldn't get into Ohio University ... Sexually adventurous ... Makes the peace sign in 100 percent of the pictures taken of her ... Is really tan and has bleached-blonde hair ... Usually thin-looking but with a "skinny-fat" non-toned stomach ... Was a cheerleader or dancer in high school ... Likely from a Columbus suburb or western Ohio ... Fancies herself as an "intellectual" and actually thinks she has a shot at a good job ... Like the rest of the BGSU majority, figures she'll go to grad school "somewhere better" ... Complains about Bowling Green weather ... Fantasizes about spring break at least two hours a day ... Does this 17 hours a day in February ... Has two or three bars she goes to all the time ... Never pays for a drink ... Goes to only the homecoming football game ... Can't stand Toledo ... she probably is from Toledo and still keeps in touch with her guy friends from high school that play football at shitty Division III colleges.

Shawnee State - She is 37 and "going back to school."

Miami (Ohio) University - People who read blogs (or bloggers) will never have a chance to fuck any of them ... Any of them that matter, anyway ... In a sorority ... Has "girls she misses from home!' ... Has at least 600 pictures on Facebook, 472 of them with the Zoolander/kissy face ... Has a "side" of her face that looks better in pictures and only is photographed from this side ... Dreams of moving to Chicago ... Dates someone in a fraternity ... Has a lot of guy friends that are only friends with her because they want to bang the shit out of her ... Has a roommate her freshman year she designates as a "bff" despite knowing her just two months ... Dresses like a complete slut on Halloween and gets pissed if you look at her ... Fingerbangs herself thinking of the 13 black athletes on campus ... Gets drunk off two drinks ... Has at least four pairs of jeans that cost more than $200 ... Owns a North Face jacket ... Will be married by the time she's 25 to someone in the banking and/or business industry that has short hair and he will be fat by age 32 ... Will have at least eight bridesmaids in wedding ... Likely won't fuck more than three guys from freshman year to the time she's married ... she doesn't like sucking dick.

Akron University - Is from a county that borders Stark County. School most similar to Cincinnati in that state of Ohio except she couldn't get into Kent State ... she also takes it in the ass.

Cleveland State University - Lies about where she goes to school ... Angling for an excuse to transfer ... Always says what she's going to school for before she says where she goes to school ... Hates herself ... Couldn't get into Akron or "my parents want to see how well I do at college before letting me go away to another school." 99.9 percent of the people in Ohio have never met a girl that attends Cleveland State ... she has never read a full book.

Wright State University - Didn't want "to go too far away from home" ... Has a sexually explicit photo of herself on her cell phone ... Likely from Montgomery, Greene, Clinton, Butler or Warren County ... Likely dating someone in the military ... Will by divorced by age 30 ... Hangs out at friend's apartment who always plays video games and loves NFL football ... her boyfriend owns at least two Affliction T-shirts and isn't taller than 6 feet.

University of Toledo - Has black male friends ... Has friends still in high school that visit all the time ... Originally is from Ohio ... Watches "Family Guy" ... Works at a chain restaurant ... Seriously considers purchasing fakes tits at least twice a year ... Wears a lot of makeup ... Hung out with baseball players in high school ... Dates someone that played on the high school soccer team ... Drives a sporty American-made car with a sorority sticker on the back window ... Parents are divorced ... Smokes ... Will become overweight before she's 35 ... Will have three kids by that time ... Not afraid of accepting a booty call ... Is happy she doesn't go to community college ... Will work in retail ... Wonders why she didn't go to OU ... she plans to transfer every year at Christmas.

Ohio University - Jealous of Miami (Ohio) girls ... Fucks a dude that smokes a lot of pot ... Intrigued by "hippie" lifestyle even though phase passed in the early 1990s with the passage of grunge music ... Is friends with a Jewish male friend from Cleveland area that wears glasses and smokes pot ... Has more male friends than girl friends ... Looks forward to fraternity formals ... Drinks a lot ... Listens to O.A.R. ... Might be from out of state ... Brags about school's party reputation ... Doesn't like to hear, "well, there's 30,000 students there and nothing within an hour of campus, what else are you going to do?" ... Didn't get into Ohio State ... Still loves the Buckeyes ... Tries as best she can to get the fuck out of Athens in four years. Embraces green lifestyle ... From a suburb of the Big Three C's (Columbus, Cincy, Cleveland) ... Likes to cuddle/hook-up when she's drunk ... Has more than 1,000 friends on Facebook ... she hangs out with one fat guy who always wears hats and has facial hair and is "really funny."

Youngstown State - Says "I'm transferring after freshman year" 10 times before the end of her third year ... Has a ton of friends from Canfield and Cardinal Mooney high schools ... Lives at home ... Drives drunk a lot ... Can't wait to have priest who gave her first communion also marry her ... Has a back tattoo ... Has a lot of friends who's name ends in a vowel ... Visits friends at Kent State or private schools in northeast Ohio ... Always promises those friends she'll be joining them "next year" ... Is Italian ... she is hot until you realize she attends YSU and has probably fucked three or four dudes that look like bartender assistants at bars in the Arena District.

Dziena: Warrior Princess

This?

over

that?

... Only in the movies.

"Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" gets a solid A-minus from me. If you recall my review of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," you'll remember I said that it's impossible not to fall in love with Mila Kunis' character Mila Kunis in the movie.

It's kind of impossible not to want to bang-out Alexis Dziena's character in "Nick and Norah ..."

Dziena, 24, is so bitchy and hot in this movie. Those two characteristics ... in reverse order ... are the two things I look for in chicks. The strip-tease scene ... mmm ... will be purchasing that on DVD. Not the whole movie. Just the scene. Just kidding. You can't do that.

Her, "how can you get over me when you're under me?" line will be rethought in my mind. Like a lot.

No offense to Kat Dennings, it's just, c'mon!

It's one of those movies where you know exactly what will happen (no way he chooses Norah over Tris ... none), but it's still fucking hilarious. The name of the first mix CD they show cracked my shit up. Mainly because I've done something similar. Yes, I haven't always been this bad ass and/or cool.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

You can't strike out October

If the German Village Oktoberfest is allowed to A spell October "Oktober" B be held the first weekend in September and C take place outside the German Village, I'm allowed to celebrate the start of October in September.

No real celebrations planned for this evening. Since there are 14,713 "events" in Columbus tonight, there will be no bowling. The 1 said he "probably could play next week," so he's out indefinitely. McCampus said if the place didn't close at nine he could play (fair) and McGinely hasn't responded to my text in the past four minutes. Slacker.

I can't speak of other celebrations in Columbus. No word yet as to if Tremont is going to be sponsoring "Cocktoberfest."

I've done other homages to the month of October. I don't feel like digging them up.

It's the best month of the year. You've got Halloween (underrated holiday and one of only four holidays that count ... Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Halloween) and its slutty chicks, crazy football, baseball and basketball. You've got the start of the NHL season and hockey nights in the Arena District. You've got television shows in full swing. You have the best Ohio weather. Ohio State is back in session. It's just amazing.

Signing off in September. See you first day of October.

Let's head out swinging.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

They play music at grocery stores

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I've eaten lunch at the Giant Eagle Hot Food Bar on Steltzer Road about 14 or 15 times in September. Just noticed something today.

They play music in grocery stores. I hadn't really noticed this since I worked at a Big Eagle in the summer of 1995.

I dig the tunes! In our Columbus market, the music they play is a combination of Sunny 95 (94.7 FM) and Mix 97 (97.1 FM). A more pumped-up version of adult contemporary. I approve. Today they had Annie Lennox's "Sweet Dreams."

The lyric "everybody's looking for something" really means something in a grocery store. Everybody in there is looking for something.

Except me in the summer of 1995. I was looking for nothing.

I worked about 18 hours a week and they were the worst 18 hours of the week. I made something like $65 a week. I got paid every two weeks. I was forced to be in a union. That was awesome. Thanks unions. I really got my money's worth.

I usually worked three or four days a week. My least favorite shift was the 5 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. shift. I'd have to miss the Tribe games! This was before cell phones. Sometimes my mom would come in and tell me the scores. I also always had to work the shitastic Sunday noon to 8:30 p.m. shift and Saturday's from like 2:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. I hated it. I lived about .8 miles from the store. I'd walk there (drive if raining).

I led the league in "giving up shifts." If you wanted to pick up extra hours, I was the guy to see. I would dress in my work outfit, knowing full well I wasn't working and stay away from the house for five hours. Hopefully my mom wouldn't be shopping that night. I took chances.

I'd go see movies or play softball and what not. I finally quit in early September of 1995. I called off sick on my last day. (Of course I did.)

Longest three months of my fucking life.

If you remember college football, it was the time Michigan scored 18-unanswered points in the fourth quarter and beat Virginia 18-17 on the game's final play. I had to be at work at 4 p.m. and there was no way in hell I was missing the end of the game.

The song they played on the grocery store station that summer at least 30 times a day was Rusted Root's "Send me on My Way." They never had a DJ. Just songs 24/7. I don't know how they came up with song orders. I was too busy bagging groceries.

Then again, who am I to disagree?

Eva Longoria, No. 1,341?

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I proclaimed out loud yesterday at B-Dubs Lane (BDL) that "I'd really like to fuck Eva Longoria."

She's a PC. And she has one ring.

It's the first and only time in my life that I've said "I want to fuck" someone out loud. I'm not even an Eva Longoria fan, per se. She's not in my top 100 or heck, even top 500. I am sure I can name 1,000 women I'd rather bangout than Mrs. Longoria-Parker. Maybe if you want to get together with me at Club 185 sometime this week, I'll begin the naming process.

I think "I want to fuck ..." is a vulgar statement. I don't like how it sounds. It's kind of funny though because all's you're trying to do pretty much all the time is "to fuck" someone. If you're single.

Some people are just trying to fuck that one person (me from 2004 through 2007) while others are trying to fuck everybody (2008 through present).

It's just, why'd it take me 29 years to say it out loud? Is it a breakthrough? Is admitting it out loud noteworthy? I am out of the closet!

The statement came at the couldn't-be-anymore-awesome high-top table at BDL. Anytime you have a choice to sit at a high top or low top table, you have to pick high top. Because if you don't, you deserve to be farted on.

The 1, The Godfather and I sat there eating boneless wings, cheese sticks, fries and mini-burgers. Nary a green to be seen. Hell, The Godfather's nachos didn't even have guacamole. I spilled a lemonade all over The 1 and some of The Godfather's salsa stained The 1's crotch.

"It looks like I had my period," The 1 said.

It was a raucous afternoon in a new setting. I always pity people who sit near us. We don't stop talking and nothing we say makes sense. McStreaky told us the other day that "you need a manual" when talking to us.

But the people sitting next to us know what I meant when I said I wanted to fuck Eva Longoria.

We're all familiar with the feeling.

B-minus weekend

A few thoughts on the weekend ...

- Buffalo Wild Wings (campus) ... we'll call it BDL ... B-Dubbs-Lane ... has taken over The EGG's mantle for Sunday afternoon football. BDL has hotter waitresses, more TVs, more space to sit, hotter fans, no bullshit music during commercials, no stupid trivia questions, etc. Plus, the Mathlete isn't banned from EGG for the next four-plus years.

The Godfather, The 1 and I decided on this move. It's a huge decision.

We first went to B-Dubbs in the German Village and that place is fucking awful. Totally depressing and projection televisions. I feel bad for the place. The 1 and I left after about four minutes.

- Missing The Godfather at The Varsity Club isn't a good thing. The day lacked something. I had the best time of the day AT the game. Bullshitting with McGinley and The 1 was awesome and the game was pretty enjoyable. The Buckeyes had some of their swagger back. I think the Oregon State win over USC had a lot to do with that.

I got really drunk. I don't really remember much. More to come.

- The Browns suck. But suck less than the Bengals.

- I spilled a full lemonade on The 1.

- I am glad the Buckeyes play on the road next week. Fun times at the EGG for the Wisconsin game. I assume me and The 1 will go at 5:30 or 6, the Godfather will come later, the Truth will be there at 5:31 or 6:01 and The Mayor and his assorted entourage will show up at about 7:52 p.m.

I had a pretty good weekend. I'm ready for Thursday.

Tuna?

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Bad Columbus magazines

Columbus has a few random magazines that seem to feature professionally-done photos of 22-year-old bartenders at places like Mynt with ugly back tattoos. I guess there's one coming out called "The O Face." Oh man. Can't wait.

The magazine obviously looks like crap and will be patently unfunny but might do well with the Affliction/backward hat crowd. The 12 percent of them that can read. But this post is spit-out-your-water-from-the-office-cooler-that-you-walk-to-16-times-a-day-to-waste-time funny.

This girl should just write posts critiquing Craigslist posts. She's funny.

Also, this post on TheDirty has some of the best smack talk in the history of the crazy rascals that talk shit on message boards and/or blogs.

Some of the better ones:

"I checked facebook and this dude only has 97 facebook friends.

FAIL"

and

"man people seem to either love this guy or hate him. all i can tell about him through the pics is that he’s repping his chest hair."

Repping his chest hair. Standing, out.

People are mean but bloggers are the geeks from sixth grade.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Klosterspatch

Wow. Most people know Chuck Klosterman is my favorite. Like. Favorite person. Ever. While I'd never say I write like him, he inspires me to write and he has the greatest influence on how I write.

Favorite people rankings (male division):

1. Chuck Klosterman (klow-ster-man)
2. LeBron James
3. Jim Rome
4. Rush Limbaugh
5. Dennis Miller

Klosterman's latest book "Downtown Owl" is fucking hysterical. I am on page 63. I am not reading more than 30 pages a day so I can prolong the experience. I don't want to bust my nut right away. I bought it at The Book Loft. As I was looking down at the e-mail list at the check out counter, I notice cpn's brother and his wife were the last ones to sign it. (Useless side note.)

This book is funny because it tries not to be. There is so much hilarious shit in it that I can't stop thinking about. (And the short girl from Ugly Tuna last night. She had a great nose!)

It's about this town in North Dakota in 1983. Not making that up. (The book. Not the girl's nose.)

I HIGHLY recommend it and I recommend it high. It tells the story through the eyes of three people (a high school student, a young teacher and an 80-year-old).

Go buy this book.

- From the desk of Art McGregor/Klosterspatch

Ohio University 14, Ohio State 26

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run columnist

Sometime around 6 p.m. Saturday, I turned to The Godfather and asked, "do you just want to go back to the Village?"

I had had it. Couldn't get drunk at the Varsity Club. Tired of talking and/or answering questions. Tired of being told my hair used to look better or that I'm too picky or about bowel movements. Tired of tension surrounding talking about politics and hatred toward feminism. Silly libs.

Wanted to move on (dot org) and regroup.

Had the night mapped out in my head: Go home, relax, shower, head back out around 10 or 11 p.m.

His answer? A resounding "no." He wanted to go meet up with some people at B-Dubs and we did. And my quest to drink 430 beers without getting a buzz moved due east, as the crow flies along Lane Avenue to B-Dubs.

Saw a couple of friends of my sister and ate 78 boneless chicken wings. Did that thing where you sit down after six hours of drinking in the sun. That's always fun.

Thought the night was complete but The Godfather (The Godfather!) wanted to move to The Little Bar. That I can't complain about. I enjoy The Little Bar, formerly Lee's Market, no doubt some kind of speakeasy in the 1990s. You remember that place? Of course you do. I remember I ate dinner a couple of times at those apartments across the street. Friends of Johnny Jihad lived there. My how times have changed. Not really.

Thought it was good seeing Esq. earlier in the day at The Varsity Club. She's pretty fun to talk to. She says funny shit about shit and doesn't seem to have the filter thing in her brain. I asked about NJAG (haven't heard from her in a month after hearing from her daily for two weeks) and living in Cincinnati.

The day kind of represented the weekend. OK. Borderline bad. Hopefully the worst of the football season. The bar always is raised high on gamedays. And it was cool seeing Rainbow Bright and her people, but I would have liked to have done more.

Friday night it rained buckets right around the time I wanted to head out. If I hear one more fucking person say, "we need it!" I'm going to do nothing. Just pisses the shit out of me. If it's raining, it's Friday night in central Ohio.

Even the EGG let us down, although that's more because of the Browns performance. The EGG Guys were there, as were the bevy of bitties they travel with. Fuck. Me and The 1 came alone. That's what she said.

"Entourage" was OK. That's a pitfall of a 23-minute show. They had a lot to catch up on and they got things rolling for season five.

I'm probably being more hard (that's what she said) on the weekend than I need to be, but it just ... Ohio State is lousy and the Browns are worse. I am tired of rooting for the Clowns. They have the worst fucking pass rush I've ever seen. They run fades to the sideline on 3rd and 2. They fumble snaps on 3rd and 1. They give up first downs on every third down. They drop balls. They miss tackles. Same. Old. Browns.

They have a ZERO PERCENT chance of beating Pittsburgh this weekend. In the past year, I've rocked a "ZERO PERCENT chance" on three games (Indians/Sox Game 7, Indians/ChiSox in May, Indians/Rockies in June) and I've been right 100 percent of the time.

I thought of something really odd about OSU football. Since I moved to the German Village on Oct. 14, 2005, the Ohio State Buckeyes are 31-1 in regular season games. That's fucking crazy. While they don't have a ZERO PERCENT chance this weekend against USC, they aren't winning. I am Mr. Optimism on OSU Football, but they are going to get rolled. Take it from me. Do not THINK WE ARE GOING TO WIN. Don't. Enjoy the game. Enjoy Saturday leading up to it. Enjoy the fact that I'll be out in Manhattan Beach.

Just know that when this column comes back next week, Ohio State will be the second team listed in the headline again.

The 'real' Redeem Team

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

The 2008 Cleveland Indians are "Olympic champions." Gold medal, baby.

(I'll take what I can get.)

They went 13-3 from 8.8.08 through this past Sunday. They won more than Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt combined. (13 to 11)

No other MLB team had a better record during that time.

While the Cincinnati (Ky.) Reds are winners of the "Ohio Cup" we'll head back to northeast Ohio this weekend with the made-up title of "Olympic champion."

I'd rather win on the world stage than some meaningless "state" title.

E-mail from Rod Munch

I have a buddy. We'll call him Rod Munch. He lives in Minnesota and works for FOX. Great job. Good dude. Four-time emmy winner.

The Godfather knows him.

Here's his review on "Pineapple Express" and other thoughts:

"dudes...pineapple express is the funniest movie ever. if you haven't seen it, do it. right now. i will probably watch that movie at least 100 times before i die. of course, being that i'm a loser with no girlfriend and 1 friend in minnesota, i'll probably accomplish that feat within the next year. at least then i could concentrate on all of the other things on my bucket list. like seeing sebastian bach live in concert. harris, you lucky bastard.

16 days until ysu gets its ass beat by osu. [mcgregor]...remember when i used to argue with you back in the day about how ysu could beat osu? how was i a valedictorian? did i spell that right? no, seriously. how did that happen? oh yeah...probably because i took all the easiest classes and picked 18 and life as my song in simington's class. i would have failed me just for picking a song that literally anyone could explain just by reading the title. but instead...i got an a, went to college for free where i took the easiest major ever, and now i have 4 emmies. simey's getting a big shout-out when i win #5.

see y'all next weekend. peace."

- From the desk of Art McGregor

I drink a lot of water

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Sometimes I think I drink water out of boredom. Walk over to the water cooler, throw out a couple hellos, fill up and walk back to my desk.

The Crystal Springs blue cups I use are 9 ounces. I have about 10 a day and that's a conservative estimate. I also make sure to use a new cup every time. And then I throw it away. F-You Algore.

For some reason, my mom ALWAYS asks me "if I'm drinking enough water." I don't know why she does this. Maybe she's tied up with the water lobby. If one exists.

I do always make it a point to buy bottled water that costs more than $1. The Godfather only buys the $.89 brand popular in Grove City.

She seriously asks me almost every time we talk. It's not like I even dislike water. She asks it in the same way that she'd ask, "are you getting along with your sister?"

So I wanted to find out how much water in a day you should drink. I get this article and of course it DOES NOT TELL YOU. Fuck all this math and what not. Just tell me "this is HOW MANY ounces you should drink a day." I am well over 100.

I guess the number is around 70 ounces? That's pretty good. I am healthy. Yes.

Good weekend

One of the best weekends ever. I loved that swimming relay final.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

'Going on for centuries'

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

My cousin Evan dropped by yesterday to talk sports, girls, rap music and drugs.

Born of the 20th century, these are topics that most of us discuss. You see, he's 8. His date of birth is December 1999.

He opined that Lil' Wayne definitely does drugs, but Jay-Z doesn't because "Jay-Z doesn't swear as much."

He thinks the Pirates stink but understands why they traded Xavier Nady. "Those two younger guys they got could ONE DAY become really good, right?"

He still wonders about this little girl that sat next to him this past October during the Michigan State-Ohio State game. "What was her name again? Ashley?"

I like that he knows his shit about sports. I mean, he really knows it. Knows the players and the uniforms and wonders "where Beanie Wells lives?"

But he gets that knowledge from playing hours and hours of video games. He doesn't usually go to bed until 3 a.m. and drinks Red Bull after midnight.

He'll be in the third grade later this month.

We had a good time. Went to this park next to my sister's place in Lower Arlington, 43220.

But it's a park. They have slides and swings and weird bars and climbing mechanisms. So when you have kids, you work all day, come home to a wife that doesn't let you do many fun things, and take your kids to a park where they do pointless activities and beg you to watch them when you'd rather be checking your cell phone for baseball scores? Wow. And this has been going on for centuries?

Sometimes I just think I'm smarter than everyone else.

I had to get fitted for a tux for my sister's wedding, so she can have kids and take them "to the park" during her only two hours of free time per day. I haven't worn a tux since July 31, 1987. True story.

I missed out on bowling with McCampus, The Godfather and NJAG. That's a shame.

Overall, a good week thus far. Haven't had a beer since Saturday night at the Street Festival in Chicago. That's a really good run for me. A better run would be from Chicago to Columbus. Even if that run was to Columbus, Indiana, it'd still be fucking far.

I had spaghetti last night for the first time in about three months. Holy tasty. Back when we used to go to the EGG or I took dates to Easy Street Cafe, I'd order up some pasta with grilled chicken. Tryin' to be all classy and shit. Hmm ... I had pasta a couple Fridays ago at Betty's but it didn't have red sauce, so technically that's not spaghetti in my book.

One thing I forgot to bring up about Chicago was that a lot of people go on dates. Like real dates. Like, "pick you up at 8!" George _ Bush TF?!??! Who does that? I knew we were in trouble when we got to The Doctor's apartment and his roomie AMOS, said "I am GOING OUT ON A DATE." And actually was serious. When we got back a little after 1 a.m., he was on the couch watching something lame on television.

Probably thinking about a future that holds taking his future kids to the park on Wednesday evenings in August.

Used to eat breakfast

(Potential breakfast trend in fall 2008?)

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I'm happy to report that I slept last night without the aid of alcohol or sleeping pills. Fell asleep sometime after midnight, woke up at 7:30 a.m. It wasn't the best night's sleep, but very excited about that development.

I got into work this morning and got this e-mail from NJAG (aka 'B'):

Oh my goodness, they have been covering the Olympics every morning on the Today show. This morning there was a profile on this female weightlifter - but she wasn't big, she was little, like 5'1". Anyway, her story was so inspirational I cried. [McCampus] made fun of me for being excited about the Olympics - clearly he has not been watching the inspirational profiles on the Today show.

(Emphasis mine. )

I was up at 7:30 a.m. this morning and didn't watch either. I've now gone since about the second grade without watching Today. Back then I watched it daily. With my pancakes. On a little 13-inch color TV in the kitchen. As of Feb. 17, 2009, that television will no longer work.

I ate a lot of pancakes back then. I can't remember the last pancake I ate. I used to go to Jack and Benny's all the time with my old girlfriend McBaltimore. The chocolate chip pancakes were amazing. I remember watching a Kurt Warner-led New York Giants team beating the Browns there in October 2004. I watched football at a pancake factory. That's sort of impressive, I guess.

It's one of the more odd settings I've watched a football game. The other being Pittsburgh.

Insomnia (not the Green Day album)

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I likened our trip to Chicago this past weekend to hair metal. So it's not a surprise that I've started taking pills.

I fucking love Motley Crue. When I think back to random good times, I always remember the summer of 1999. I lived in a crappy one-bedroom apartment ABOVE Buckeye Books with 400 Asians. I didn't have a computer. I didn't have a cell phone. I didn't know many people sticking around in Columbus over the summer. I would walk to Hollywood Video to rent VHS tapes. I had Showtime (but not HBO). I saw "American Pie." Later I'd see "Sixth Sense" at the new EASTON. I dated a girl for half of summer that would leave me crying messages on my ANSWERING MACHINE. I worked two jobs (helping someone write a book and working at The Office of the Treasury at Ohio State). I broke up with said girl after Derek Jeter had an game-winning RBI single in extra innings over Manny Ramirez's head. I went to Columbus Crew games.

My memory of that summer is hanging out on 61 E. 12th Ave. with my buddy Misko. Misko's apartment was beyond dirty but always had the AC at about 60 degrees. It was frigid. He'd play rap and 80s metal and smoke pot. It smelled of pussy, malt liquor and weed.

On days when I didn't work (usually three days a week), we'd drive to the public pool in Worthington and lay the mack down on 17-year-old chicks. Those girls are 26 today. Wow. We'd lay out, jump off the diving board, listen to our walkmans, whatever. Never without a joint, he'd drive us to the pool all the way up High Street blasting Motley Crue's "Shout at the Devil." His favorite song was "Bastard." Mine too.

A couple of 20-year old yahoos, we'd peel into the swimming pool parking lot, windows down, blasting Motley Crue at the peek of their unpopularity. Afterward, we'd hang out at Happy Hour at Applebee's near Buckeye Village (I guess I needed a lot of Asians in my life). It's a top 5 summer of all-time.

SUMMER RANKINGS

1. 1992
2. 2004
3. 2006
4. 2002
5. 1999

I am hesitant to put 2008 on that list because of this insomnia. It's real. I can't sleep at night without alcohol or a sleep aid. Last Wednesday night, I didn't sleep. Even with pills, I am sleeping just for three or four hours over a 10-hour span. It sucks. Pretty much all I think about during the day is whether I'll be able to fall asleep at night. I don't know anything about health insurance either. I am supposed to have some card. What the fuck. This sucks.

I need some Ambien.

I get so tired at night that I can't sleep. During the day I'm pretty much fine, but nights suck. I woke up at 6:55 a.m. today. I usually wake up way later than 6:55 a.m. central time. Do the math.

I think I just need some more Happy Hours at Applebees.

Fuckin' Catalina wine mixer

- Mentioned I saw the movie "Step Brothers" this weekend. Enjoyed it much. I didn't like "Talledaga Nights" or "Anchorman" but loved this movie. I think I laughed throughout the whole thing and might actually go see it again. I mean, when it's on HBO in a year or whatever, I'll watch it a bunch then.

I had an ICEE at the movie. Cherry. Large. They are still rocking the red-colored ICEE's at the Arena Grand. This is different than the Lennox, which has white-colored cherry. RAY-CISTS! Why do they do that?

Maybe it's because I haven't had a pop in awhile, but the ICEE was really strong. Like I had ICEE aftertaste for at least seven or eight hours. It's not a bad aftertaste. But it's just sort of different to go through a Saturday feeling like you're sucking down an ICEE for eight straight hours.

- Saw "21" yesterday. Liked it. Would recommend it but it was really a flimsy movie. There's so many things in it that you're like, "well, why is he doing that?" or "why are they giving demonstrative hidden symbols?" and so on and so forth. But it's entertaining and not a terrible way to spend 100 minutes. Kevin Spacey was good in it. No homo.

- Going to see DMB tomorrow night with The Godfather at Crew Stadium. We've got pretty good seats. I'm not a big DMB fan, but do like seven or eight of his songs and his concerts are always fun, because like the sound or not, DMB is a talented group of musicians. I hope he plays three songs and I'll be happy: "Eh Hee," "Seek Up" and "Crush."

Fingers crossed.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Goin' deep on sluts

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

A buddy of mine hooked up with a female with a pretty face and some softball thighs a few months ago at Brothers. She was a good sport. Mainly because she liked hooking up and probably played a sport (softball).

Went to Brothers again last night for dollar drafts with the "I'll cut your nuts off if you don't do this shot" Truth. Had four beers before heading back to Club 185 for another beer and shot. But not a shot of beer. I'm not a pussy.

I see Softball Thighs last night grinding up on some other dude near the dance floor. I immediately shot a text to my buddy. This was before the finger-banging and face sucking we'd all witness over the next 20 minutes.

The the Truth ran into some huge black dude and tried to help up all these girls that kept tripping and falling. Perhaps a drink might make them feel better? the Truth is a gentleman.

All this got me to thinking about Eric Clapton. Obviously. Sluts and dollar drafts ALWAYS remind me of 63-year-old English guitarists.

Clapton got married a few years back to a Columbus girl that graduated from Watterson. I think in 1997. Slowhand did all right for himself. The chica probably isn't 30 yet.

I don't think this is his first marriage. I'm not sure but I'd be willing to make a wager. Like my life.

So, if he ever plays "Wonderful Tonight" and she's in attendance and he looks over at her, does that bother her? I mean. The song wasn't written about her. That's just another perk of being a rock star. You can use the same song over and over again on any number of ladies. And no one can really bust your balls about it.

It's sort of song-writing slutting.

Is slutting even a bad thing? What is it? Does making out at a bar constitute being a slut? Or is jt just slutty behavior? What if it's with a new guy or girl (or both ... SHORT NORTH!) every time? Can repeated slutty behavior make you a slut?

Either way, Softball Thighs is 2 for 2 in hooking up at Brothers in the two times that I've gone.

That's a very high batting average.

Excitement happens ... sometimes

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I think "Batman" and "Spiderman" are the only two comic book movies I've ever seen. I think back to actually being excited about seeing a movie and I can't remember the last where I said, "damn, can't wait 'til that comes out."

So this weekend's "The Dark Knight" is one I'll see before heading down to Virginia on Saturday for a wedding-that's-a-14-hour-roadtrip-that-I'm-super-geeked-about-going-to-hint-hint wedding. Chances of me getting sick before having to leave? About 38 percent. It's not that I don't want to go see some friends, it's just. It's a wedding. All my friends are totally different around their wives. A couple wives don't even like me. It'll be a small wedding. I am not bringing the date. I am missing a rare Saturday afternoon Indians game. The weather is supposed to be perfect. I will spend all of Saturday and all of Sunday in a car with my sister and her fiance.

I think every wedding should be like the artist formerly known as TD Hoodie's. Hoodie is rocking reception only in downtown Columbus at 6 p.m. on a Saturday. That is fucking perfect. I cannot wait. You know how many times I've said, "damn, can't wait for a wedding?" About once when my buddy Jeff got married in Los Angeles.


I am in my sister's wedding in August and that will be exciting because I'll see my family and such and there will be something like 500 people there. The food's also fantastic and it should be a boozing until about 4 a.m. type of evening. But my fuckin' sister invites me to the wedding (I got an invitation? I'm in the wedding!) and doesn't put an "and guest" on there. Whole-lee shit. There is about no doubt in my mind that I will be bringing a guest just for that blatant slight. If I ever get married, which ain't happening, I'm going to be inviting only her with no guest. I might get married just to be able to do that. My sister has always been scheming against me and this is her latest attempt to get under my skin. It worked. But this ball game isn't over. In the words of Andrew Bernard, she won the battle, but I'll win the bigger battle.

Back to the movies. I loved the first new "Batman" in 2005. I hold a very special place in my heart for all things that caused me joy in the summer of 2005:

1. Cleveland Indians
1b. The television show "Blow Out" on Bravo
3. My mom and dad
4. "Batman"
5. "Rescue Me"


I do this because that summer FUCKING SUCKED. I went about 14 weeks without being able to walk, got dumped in a car in Maine because "she wanted a dog," and drank about 80 beers a week. I fuckin' love feeling sorry for myself.

I am taking tomorrow off from work because a friend will be in town tonight and I plan on getting bombed. I am just throwing that out there.

So I can wake up tomorrow whenever I want, schlep around the house, not shower for a long time, go see a movie, maybe take a nap and be ready to hit it for Round 2 before having to leave for Virginia to witness marital bliss.

Oh. Joy.


Why all this debate about gay weddings? I say, let them have it. Weddings are sort of for the gays, anyway, if you ask me.