Ohio State 30, Illinois 20

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Thursday night feels like about six weeks ago.

We sat at the downstairs bar at B-Dubs Lane (campus) Saturday night swilling 16-ounce Miller Lite drafts. Obviously I sat next to a guy that played football at Wyoming (I've never been) and The Godfather drank vodka and soda and every time the bartender (great thong) asked us if we needed another drink, we said yes. This all happened before 9 p.m. When we ended up at that house (no clue who lived there) around 3 a.m., I imagine our bartender had slipped out of her tight black pants. No seriously. I imagined it big time about 40 minutes later when I got home.

I opined that she was from northwest Ohio. She wasn't. She went to Massillon Jackson.

"Polar Bears," I said.

She lacked impressed.

When the time comes to trade in this lifestyle for one far less exciting, I'll have to give up nights like Saturday. Sure, we went out and did some things on Friday but it was a rather forgettable night. Not really a bad night, but we went to Barley's, The Patio and Gaswerks. It's like, I doubt when you Google mapped my whereabouts at 2:10 a.m. on a Friday, you'd find me standing next to McGinley inside Gaswerks.

Didn't do shit on Saturday. Had just said no to showering for the day's first 19 hours (includes the roughly seven-plus hours I slept/was passed out). Laid on the couch and chair and watched college football. When I laid on the same couch 29 hours later, I had a few more memories.

the Truth sent me this text at 11:38:48 p.m.:

"big week... buckeye weekend all weekend long!"

When I affirmed he sent:

"I think we did a good job of preparation... I look forward to your performance this week, you better get some sleep. It might be your last chance!"

I LOL'd and said something else witty (I was kinda buzzed) and he responded:

"LOL! I plan on working 10-3 with a 1.5 hour lunch all week. GVM baby, it's great to be us!"

YES WE CAN!


I've got a soft spot in my heart for Wyoming. A few nights before Christmas in 2004, I watched the Las Vegas Bowl at the Flying Monkey in Key West. We watched the game with a bunch of rowdy Wyoming fans (cowboy hats). If like Rutgers was playing Nevada, it wouldn't have made much sense, but you see, Wyoming was playing UCLA. Wyoming pulled the upset and we all drank and got crazy and I think I hooked up with some random. More than likely. I also love Wyoming because I like how the word looks printed out and I used to watch the Monday night midnight game on ESPN that always featured New Mexico, UNLV or Wyoming. Sometimes Utah. Sometimes Utah would be a great band name.

Did you know on Christmas Eve of that year I ordered (and ate) two Outback Specials from Outback Steakhouse? You know very well, who you are. Don't let 'em hold you down. Read for the stars.

Probably better was Dec. 23, 2003. The Sports Writer was back in Toledo, so I went out with my boss and his 21-year-old sister-in-law. That I night I did the following things:

1. Spit on a guy and didn't get kicked out of the bar although the guy promised to "rip your fucking head off." My head is still intact despite what you think of this blog.
2. Witnessed my boss walk down Duval Street in tennis shoes and tighty whiteys while smoking a cigarette.
3. Let my boss steal my roommate's DVD of "Bad Boys 2."
4. Hooked up with the sister-in-law in our hot tub and 87 percent of the rest of our house.
5. Pissed all over my keyboard when she was asleep.
6. Treated her to a Christmas Eve lunch of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
7. Never talked to her again.

Back to Saturday. I sat next to the Wyoming guy, a friend of Sleepy's. Sleepy was in town this weekend so we met him at BDL at about 8:30 p.m. We drank and laughed and talked and bullshitted for the next seven hours. I let Wyoming Guy (hugest man I've ever seen) know that I saw him "struggling with the menu" when he asked why I didn't ask him about books. I'm not really sure on the other details. We watched UFC and football at a place with wings and beers and had the audacity to make fun of fratty guys. The weather was very raw. I kept letting people know my fascination with the fact that there will be a live college basketball game shown at 4 a.m. Tuesday morning. The Godfather must have said 400 times that "Houston scored 70 on Tulsa. Has there ever been a top 25 team that had 70 points scored on it?"

Wyoming Guy (I love this) also told us about the easiest place to hook up with hot dumb chicks. He said No. 2 is Hattiesburg, Miss. and the top-ranked place is Nacogdoches, Texas. I love that he has ranked the places because I've done the same. My No. 1 is a little different. I contend it's a Sunday night during spring break at a spring break destination. Only the truest skanks go out on Sundays.


What makes me laugh about the night is that I had zero forward momentum going into the evening. Both Thursday and Friday were kind of lame. I didn't leave my living room on Saturday afternoon. It was rainy out. The Godfather was wearing sweatpants.

We overcame. We went out. We also walked past a what-the-fuck-was-that-place some beatnik bar across from the Scarley & Gray Cafe.

McGinley showed up late to whisk The Godfather away to Club 185. the Truth sent me a text that said, "tons of hot girls at Club 185!" When I got there at 1:45 a.m., there were none outside the bartenders. And one of the bartenders was smoking outside.

We made a pitstop at McFadden's beforehand where a totally hot chick with boyfriend hit on Wyoming Guy. I would have stayed there but Sleepy kept yawning. We left and went to 185. We'd later go to an afterhours at someone's house.

"Who's house were we at?" I asked The Godfather yesterday morning (1:32 p.m.).

I did less on Sunday that I did on Saturday. We had two TVs set up in the living room so we could watch one sporing event along with another one at the same time. I walked to Shell at 9 p.m. to buy my Sunday night drinking supplies and then drank for the next four hours. I fell asleep.

It might have been my last chance this week.

You can't strike out October

If the German Village Oktoberfest is allowed to A spell October "Oktober" B be held the first weekend in September and C take place outside the German Village, I'm allowed to celebrate the start of October in September.

No real celebrations planned for this evening. Since there are 14,713 "events" in Columbus tonight, there will be no bowling. The 1 said he "probably could play next week," so he's out indefinitely. McCampus said if the place didn't close at nine he could play (fair) and McGinely hasn't responded to my text in the past four minutes. Slacker.

I can't speak of other celebrations in Columbus. No word yet as to if Tremont is going to be sponsoring "Cocktoberfest."

I've done other homages to the month of October. I don't feel like digging them up.

It's the best month of the year. You've got Halloween (underrated holiday and one of only four holidays that count ... Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Halloween) and its slutty chicks, crazy football, baseball and basketball. You've got the start of the NHL season and hockey nights in the Arena District. You've got television shows in full swing. You have the best Ohio weather. Ohio State is back in session. It's just amazing.

Signing off in September. See you first day of October.

Let's head out swinging.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Eva Longoria, No. 1,341?

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I proclaimed out loud yesterday at B-Dubs Lane (BDL) that "I'd really like to fuck Eva Longoria."

She's a PC. And she has one ring.

It's the first and only time in my life that I've said "I want to fuck" someone out loud. I'm not even an Eva Longoria fan, per se. She's not in my top 100 or heck, even top 500. I am sure I can name 1,000 women I'd rather bangout than Mrs. Longoria-Parker. Maybe if you want to get together with me at Club 185 sometime this week, I'll begin the naming process.

I think "I want to fuck ..." is a vulgar statement. I don't like how it sounds. It's kind of funny though because all's you're trying to do pretty much all the time is "to fuck" someone. If you're single.

Some people are just trying to fuck that one person (me from 2004 through 2007) while others are trying to fuck everybody (2008 through present).

It's just, why'd it take me 29 years to say it out loud? Is it a breakthrough? Is admitting it out loud noteworthy? I am out of the closet!

The statement came at the couldn't-be-anymore-awesome high-top table at BDL. Anytime you have a choice to sit at a high top or low top table, you have to pick high top. Because if you don't, you deserve to be farted on.

The 1, The Godfather and I sat there eating boneless wings, cheese sticks, fries and mini-burgers. Nary a green to be seen. Hell, The Godfather's nachos didn't even have guacamole. I spilled a lemonade all over The 1 and some of The Godfather's salsa stained The 1's crotch.

"It looks like I had my period," The 1 said.

It was a raucous afternoon in a new setting. I always pity people who sit near us. We don't stop talking and nothing we say makes sense. McStreaky told us the other day that "you need a manual" when talking to us.

But the people sitting next to us know what I meant when I said I wanted to fuck Eva Longoria.

We're all familiar with the feeling.

Klosterspatch

Wow. Most people know Chuck Klosterman is my favorite. Like. Favorite person. Ever. While I'd never say I write like him, he inspires me to write and he has the greatest influence on how I write.

Favorite people rankings (male division):

1. Chuck Klosterman (klow-ster-man)
2. LeBron James
3. Jim Rome
4. Rush Limbaugh
5. Dennis Miller

Klosterman's latest book "Downtown Owl" is fucking hysterical. I am on page 63. I am not reading more than 30 pages a day so I can prolong the experience. I don't want to bust my nut right away. I bought it at The Book Loft. As I was looking down at the e-mail list at the check out counter, I notice cpn's brother and his wife were the last ones to sign it. (Useless side note.)

This book is funny because it tries not to be. There is so much hilarious shit in it that I can't stop thinking about. (And the short girl from Ugly Tuna last night. She had a great nose!)

It's about this town in North Dakota in 1983. Not making that up. (The book. Not the girl's nose.)

I HIGHLY recommend it and I recommend it high. It tells the story through the eyes of three people (a high school student, a young teacher and an 80-year-old).

Go buy this book.

- From the desk of Art McGregor/Klosterspatch

Objectifying women: Girls of the Big 10 edition

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Impressed? Of course. Overwhelmed? Hardly.

Then again, that's the charm of Ohio State girls. The football team too, now that you mention it.

Other than the contingent of ultra-bitchy 7's (that's a 1 through 10 ranking ... not the number on their women's OSU jersey) that frequents The Varsity Club on home Saturdays, Columbus State Ohio State girls usually are pretty friendly, approachable and into guys with cool hair. At least they were between 2003 and 2007.

Finally had a chance to read the October issue of Playboy. It's "The Girls of the Big 10" collection.

Finding an issue of Playboy is a challenge. Other than bookstores in airports, where do you find one?? I looked in CVS, a grocery store ... and that's about it. But still. I don't see issues of Playboy very often. About 362 days less than I did in 1992.

I had to buy "the digital edition." You can't copy and paste the photos, however. That's nappy.

A trio of Ohio State girls are included in the group of 48 girls. Well, 47 girls and one "other." Sorry, Illini.

I-L-L ... no need for the I-N-I. I'm already ill.

These are not the best Ohio State has to offer. It's not a slight on the following girls, it's just, not every girl is into getting naked on film (or digitally ... my $4.95 says so).

I remember a similar "Girls of the Big 10" came out in 2002 or 2003. I remember this because a girl I worked with at the Olive Garden had a roommate. This roommate worked at Hooters. Her name was Jessie (she looked like a Jessie) and she posed for the magazine. She was damn cute. I remember thinking how cool it was to know someone who posed in Playboy.

Nowadays I'd be more excited to meet someone who's been in "Girls Gone Wild." And none of that fringe "Girls Gone Wild: Dorm Room Fantasies" or whatever. That stuff is porn actresses. I'm talking the real thing. The real thing? Well, you know what I mean. I don't mind enhancements. I remember a girl I will call "Fakey" during the amazing Christmas Vacation of '06. She had talent. She also liked to wear different colors of hair. I remember walking her back to my place from Club 185 one night. She was legit stumbling. I should have just let her go with her friend but McGinley said, "she's fine. Let her walk it off." Thanks, McGinley.

She woke up with the infamous, "what did we do last night?" chorus. Nevermind.

Anyway, the three Buckeyes in Playboy go by fake names. Their fake names are Marie Morgan, Kelsey Evans and Jamie Graham. I don't get the "Jamie Graham" name but whatever. I've seen Ms. Evans and Ms. Morgan out and about in Columbus. They're hot girls. They're the type you remember.

Here they are (remember, I've seen the nudes. Not like famous nudes like "David" or whatever ... though I've heard Dave is magnificent ... the nude photos of these girls ... and Jamie Graham and Kelsey Evans have great pictures in the magazine/digital version):

Jamie Graham:



Kelsey Evans:



Marie Morgan:



I think this Kelsey Evans broad is the best of the trio.

This Marie Morgan character (fake name = character) might be hot, but her picture in Playboy is the nappy angle of just a little nipple from the side and her behind. Boo. It took this blog less than three months to say "nappy angle of just a little nipple."

I've talked about Ms. Morgan before. She won last year's "Campus Girls USA" challenge. I wrote:

The bottom half (bottom half. excellent) of the bracket is just ridiculous. In a semifinal, you have Morgan vs. Ashley. If this were the Final Four, this definitely would not be the game that tips off at 6 p.m.

In the junior varsity game, it'll be Natasha vs. Ebony & Ivory. Neither are in the top four, but both make the semifinals. So go the breaks.

In the championship, I go with Morgan over Ebony & Ivory.

Still, I'd pay the most money to see Halle and Morgan go at it in best-of-seven fashion. Or in no fashion at all.

Jamie Graham's picture is the biggest in the issue. And rightfully so. Where are you hiding those things? I don't know if this is being mean or whatever, but she looks amazing in her Playboy picture, if not her other pictures.

Kelsey Evans wins this competition. Cute girl, pretty face, hot picture. I can't post the nude photos on here (and Marie's side nipple picture), but Evans makes buying it worth it. It's funny. Marie is probably the best looking in real life, but looks the worst in the magazine. And by worst I mean a 9.

So what? I'm going to hell.

It's probably easier to find a Playboy there than here in central Ohio.

Jim Rome kills

Jim Rome is my favorite sports personality. He might even be ahead of Chuck Klosterman in my "Favorite Males Alive" rankings.

I love his take on the Brett Favre situation.

Hilarious.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Insomnia (not the Green Day album)

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I likened our trip to Chicago this past weekend to hair metal. So it's not a surprise that I've started taking pills.

I fucking love Motley Crue. When I think back to random good times, I always remember the summer of 1999. I lived in a crappy one-bedroom apartment ABOVE Buckeye Books with 400 Asians. I didn't have a computer. I didn't have a cell phone. I didn't know many people sticking around in Columbus over the summer. I would walk to Hollywood Video to rent VHS tapes. I had Showtime (but not HBO). I saw "American Pie." Later I'd see "Sixth Sense" at the new EASTON. I dated a girl for half of summer that would leave me crying messages on my ANSWERING MACHINE. I worked two jobs (helping someone write a book and working at The Office of the Treasury at Ohio State). I broke up with said girl after Derek Jeter had an game-winning RBI single in extra innings over Manny Ramirez's head. I went to Columbus Crew games.

My memory of that summer is hanging out on 61 E. 12th Ave. with my buddy Misko. Misko's apartment was beyond dirty but always had the AC at about 60 degrees. It was frigid. He'd play rap and 80s metal and smoke pot. It smelled of pussy, malt liquor and weed.

On days when I didn't work (usually three days a week), we'd drive to the public pool in Worthington and lay the mack down on 17-year-old chicks. Those girls are 26 today. Wow. We'd lay out, jump off the diving board, listen to our walkmans, whatever. Never without a joint, he'd drive us to the pool all the way up High Street blasting Motley Crue's "Shout at the Devil." His favorite song was "Bastard." Mine too.

A couple of 20-year old yahoos, we'd peel into the swimming pool parking lot, windows down, blasting Motley Crue at the peek of their unpopularity. Afterward, we'd hang out at Happy Hour at Applebee's near Buckeye Village (I guess I needed a lot of Asians in my life). It's a top 5 summer of all-time.

SUMMER RANKINGS

1. 1992
2. 2004
3. 2006
4. 2002
5. 1999

I am hesitant to put 2008 on that list because of this insomnia. It's real. I can't sleep at night without alcohol or a sleep aid. Last Wednesday night, I didn't sleep. Even with pills, I am sleeping just for three or four hours over a 10-hour span. It sucks. Pretty much all I think about during the day is whether I'll be able to fall asleep at night. I don't know anything about health insurance either. I am supposed to have some card. What the fuck. This sucks.

I need some Ambien.

I get so tired at night that I can't sleep. During the day I'm pretty much fine, but nights suck. I woke up at 6:55 a.m. today. I usually wake up way later than 6:55 a.m. central time. Do the math.

I think I just need some more Happy Hours at Applebees.

50 most beautiful on Capitol Hill?

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Just got a couple problems with The Hill's fifth annual "50 Most Beautiful People on Capital Hill" list. First off, this guy is on the list:


And this person is No. 1. The most beautiful person on Capitol Hill ... ladies and gentleman ... this person!!!:


Right about now, I'd say the state workers in Columbus, Ohio rank higher than the All-Stars in D.C.

The attractive people (females) on the list:

Elizabeth Kucinich
Ivy Larsen
Crystal Dollins
Emily Zammitt
Elizabeth Murphy
Jenny Harp (but she lists her relationship status as "taken" which is amazingly annoying)
Kristy Muchnok

OK looking:

Coty Wamp
Kristin Sutton

Without doubt, the best looking person on the list is not even in the top 10. Huh? Briana Bilbray wins my award.


She's not No. 1??????? (Is it just me or does she look a lot like former Club 185 bartender Shoby Ice?)

In any respect, any list that doesn't include our buddy Sleepy or McCampus' little brother Ozzie Canseco is complete bullshit.

I assume the fellas over at German Village Media will rank the men!

Update:

Here's more news and some more photos (I love the Internet):