Monday, December 22, 2008

Belton out a bender

Blog on the Run editor

Had quite the bender this weekend. Put on a rather nice drinking display. If we were to liken my weekend to an NBA (basketball) game, we'd say (because we are going to liken, if not lichen, this shit) I shot the ball 36 times, made 17 of them, made a handful of free throws, had one rebound (rim shot!) and no assists. I scored 51 points in a losing effort. Will get into the weekend shortly. Seriously. It's a two-day work week for me. Well, three but whatever. Again. We'll get into tha. I promise. I'll even find that missing t from the last word two sentences ago.

If you know anything about me, it's two things: God hates me and I'm the most unlucky sports fan/gambler/fantasy football player of all-time. I'm the most influential sports fan in the history of the world. That's not a joke. Teams I root for FLAT-OUT don't win. I know people enjoy hearing stories about fantasy football almost as much as they like picture-only-posts over at German Village Media that make sense to only one person, but I'm going to give you an example.

I played in the Final Four of my Yahoo! fantasy league the weekend of Dec. 12. I had the No. 1 seed and rolled through the regular season. Then Andre Johnson single-handily beat me with a FRANCHISE RECORD 200-some-odd-yards receiving day. So keep this in mind, the Texans have been around for five or six years and ... and ... this dude had the BIGGEST DAY in the history of the team ... just to beat me. This past week (yesterday) when Andre Johnson wasn't playing against me? He had FUCKING ZERO CATCHES. NONE.

Everything fell apart on Saturday night. This continued into Sunday. This doesn't include when I randomly left Art School Dropout's apartment without saying a word but in full view of everyone. I picked five bowl games this weekend. I won't count the one I won because ESPN pointed out that 94 percent of the country made that pick as well, so no big deal on that one. So I lost the other four. This is almost impossible to do. I picked two favorites and two underdogs. Had I picked any other combination, I'd have won more games. It's pathetic.

I'm an all-or-nothing-type guy. When fucking Belton (Wake Forest player) scored on a god damn meaningless touchdown run when Wake coulda just KNEELED on the ball, I threw myself to the ground and knew it was all over. I really threw myself on the ground. The Godfather witnessed this action. Despite there being 35 other bowl games to go, I knew my goose was cooked. I look forward to Bowl Season probably more than anyone and as of right now, in our 35-man poll, I am in FUCKING LAST PLACE. It's all over. I look forward to looking forward to the Motor City Bowl and the Independence Bowl and even the International Bowl. It's all over now.

God hates me.

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