Tuesday, September 30, 2008

You can't strike out October

If the German Village Oktoberfest is allowed to A spell October "Oktober" B be held the first weekend in September and C take place outside the German Village, I'm allowed to celebrate the start of October in September.

No real celebrations planned for this evening. Since there are 14,713 "events" in Columbus tonight, there will be no bowling. The 1 said he "probably could play next week," so he's out indefinitely. McCampus said if the place didn't close at nine he could play (fair) and McGinely hasn't responded to my text in the past four minutes. Slacker.

I can't speak of other celebrations in Columbus. No word yet as to if Tremont is going to be sponsoring "Cocktoberfest."

I've done other homages to the month of October. I don't feel like digging them up.

It's the best month of the year. You've got Halloween (underrated holiday and one of only four holidays that count ... Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Halloween) and its slutty chicks, crazy football, baseball and basketball. You've got the start of the NHL season and hockey nights in the Arena District. You've got television shows in full swing. You have the best Ohio weather. Ohio State is back in session. It's just amazing.

Signing off in September. See you first day of October.

Let's head out swinging.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

They play music at grocery stores

Blog on the Run editor

I've eaten lunch at the Giant Eagle Hot Food Bar on Steltzer Road about 14 or 15 times in September. Just noticed something today.

They play music in grocery stores. I hadn't really noticed this since I worked at a Big Eagle in the summer of 1995.

I dig the tunes! In our Columbus market, the music they play is a combination of Sunny 95 (94.7 FM) and Mix 97 (97.1 FM). A more pumped-up version of adult contemporary. I approve. Today they had Annie Lennox's "Sweet Dreams."

The lyric "everybody's looking for something" really means something in a grocery store. Everybody in there is looking for something.

Except me in the summer of 1995. I was looking for nothing.

I worked about 18 hours a week and they were the worst 18 hours of the week. I made something like $65 a week. I got paid every two weeks. I was forced to be in a union. That was awesome. Thanks unions. I really got my money's worth.

I usually worked three or four days a week. My least favorite shift was the 5 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. shift. I'd have to miss the Tribe games! This was before cell phones. Sometimes my mom would come in and tell me the scores. I also always had to work the shitastic Sunday noon to 8:30 p.m. shift and Saturday's from like 2:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. I hated it. I lived about .8 miles from the store. I'd walk there (drive if raining).

I led the league in "giving up shifts." If you wanted to pick up extra hours, I was the guy to see. I would dress in my work outfit, knowing full well I wasn't working and stay away from the house for five hours. Hopefully my mom wouldn't be shopping that night. I took chances.

I'd go see movies or play softball and what not. I finally quit in early September of 1995. I called off sick on my last day. (Of course I did.)

Longest three months of my fucking life.

If you remember college football, it was the time Michigan scored 18-unanswered points in the fourth quarter and beat Virginia 18-17 on the game's final play. I had to be at work at 4 p.m. and there was no way in hell I was missing the end of the game.

The song they played on the grocery store station that summer at least 30 times a day was Rusted Root's "Send me on My Way." They never had a DJ. Just songs 24/7. I don't know how they came up with song orders. I was too busy bagging groceries.

Then again, who am I to disagree?

Monday, September 29, 2008

Eva Longoria, No. 1,341?

Blog on the Run editor

I proclaimed out loud yesterday at B-Dubs Lane (BDL) that "I'd really like to fuck Eva Longoria."

She's a PC. And she has one ring.

It's the first and only time in my life that I've said "I want to fuck" someone out loud. I'm not even an Eva Longoria fan, per se. She's not in my top 100 or heck, even top 500. I am sure I can name 1,000 women I'd rather bangout than Mrs. Longoria-Parker. Maybe if you want to get together with me at Club 185 sometime this week, I'll begin the naming process.

I think "I want to fuck ..." is a vulgar statement. I don't like how it sounds. It's kind of funny though because all's you're trying to do pretty much all the time is "to fuck" someone. If you're single.

Some people are just trying to fuck that one person (me from 2004 through 2007) while others are trying to fuck everybody (2008 through present).

It's just, why'd it take me 29 years to say it out loud? Is it a breakthrough? Is admitting it out loud noteworthy? I am out of the closet!

The statement came at the couldn't-be-anymore-awesome high-top table at BDL. Anytime you have a choice to sit at a high top or low top table, you have to pick high top. Because if you don't, you deserve to be farted on.

The 1, The Godfather and I sat there eating boneless wings, cheese sticks, fries and mini-burgers. Nary a green to be seen. Hell, The Godfather's nachos didn't even have guacamole. I spilled a lemonade all over The 1 and some of The Godfather's salsa stained The 1's crotch.

"It looks like I had my period," The 1 said.

It was a raucous afternoon in a new setting. I always pity people who sit near us. We don't stop talking and nothing we say makes sense. McStreaky told us the other day that "you need a manual" when talking to us.

But the people sitting next to us know what I meant when I said I wanted to fuck Eva Longoria.

We're all familiar with the feeling.

Ohio State 34, Minnesota 21

Blog on the Run editor

Rainbow Bright got mad at me for calling out a weekend a few weeks back. I said it was just an OK weekend. Let me explain something. I grade weekends on a curve. The grade has nothing to ... well, very little to do ... with people.

I gave this past weekend a non-A because it was sunny and hot, I got too drunk too quick and not having The Godfather around also didn't help. Also, The Stalker showed up at The Pole (The Varsity Club's, not my own) and just stood there while no one talked to her.

Weekend ended with a trip to Gay Kroger to buy stamps and I ran into The Biggest Slut Who Lives In The German Village. She of course did not say hello. She goes to the "Waitresses at The EGG School of Wearing a Scowl on your Face at All Times."

After the high school football game, I met McGinley, SHG, P Gritty and The Godfather at the Hey Hey. Then we went to High Beck. On a Friday. I'm ... hopefully a one-time occurrence. Also played some Keno with McCampus at the Hey Hey. I saw more McCampus this weekend than I have since the McGregor-McCampus Hey Day of February 2007, the month after his infamous "eat a dick, blog it" text. We also saw DJ AM that night. RIP.

We then went to The Patio and I think we all were tired. Going to the Hey Hey and sitting at a low top at High Beck can do that to a person. Also, I had a busy week. I've chronicled it but I had very little time to just lay around and do nothing. I was at full-go all week. I could being full-go as going to my sister's and watching two television shows on Monday night. Friday night's tiredness spilled over into the weekend.

I can't express how much fun I had at the game. Sitting next to McGinley and The 1 is a real treat. People around us HAD to hate us. We're completely rude and don't stop talking. We're not usually talking about the game. Or anything really. We must have said "BOOM" Herron at least 347 times. The 1 also experience a voice cracking (ala a 14-year-old boy) when singing "Seven Nation Army."

He's going to Wichita.

The Mayor came and stayed for ONE PLAY. Not quite sure what was up with that, but that had to suck.

I went to The Blackwell postgame with The 1 and had a beer with my dad. Met The 1's friend New Edition. New Edition is a great guy. Between Powder, Johnny K, Hot D and New Edition, The 1 has some great friends.

Hung out with Rainbow Bright, McCampus, The Mayor and such at the VC. The sun rendered me utterly useless. I don't remember much. I remember seeing the Truth. Those past two sentences go hand in hand. The 1 and I got into a cab, dropped off the Truth and headed back to the German Village. I showered, semi-sobered up, ate a packet of peanut butter crackers and went back out to Four Kegs with The Godfather, Mathlete and friends. McGinley (not drinking this fall) dropped us off.

I ate a soft pretzel and those crackers on Saturday. Combined with the 14 beers and five shots, I completely have ZERO recollection of anything that happened after 11 o'clock on Saturday night. I houdini'd on myself. I like that we were walking down a dark alley and then I went missing and The Godfather later recounted that he didn't do anything about it. What's up with that?!?!

I need a break. I am so relieved we have a road game this weekend. I've done heavy boozing 10 out of the past 11 days. It's a bender. I REALLY NEED TO TAKE THREE DAYS OFF.

I had a really enjoyable Sunday a B-Dubs Lane. More to follow.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Random thoughts after beers

- I loved that "Entourage" used The Cure's "Lullaby (Spiderman)" tonight. Fucking awesome.

- I would love to eat seven beers a night.

- The Bears are pretty good.

- I love the blonde in the television show "Chuck."

- Hey Chicago what do you say? Cubs are going to win Wednesday.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Song you will hear me singing a lot

Just be prepared to hear me and The Godfather sing this song at least 400 times this month.

Maybe you already heard me scream it last night at Four Kegs.

You can catch it all on G-V-M (family of networks).

- From the desk of Art McGregor

B-minus weekend

A few thoughts on the weekend ...

- Buffalo Wild Wings (campus) ... we'll call it BDL ... B-Dubbs-Lane ... has taken over The EGG's mantle for Sunday afternoon football. BDL has hotter waitresses, more TVs, more space to sit, hotter fans, no bullshit music during commercials, no stupid trivia questions, etc. Plus, the Mathlete isn't banned from EGG for the next four-plus years.

The Godfather, The 1 and I decided on this move. It's a huge decision.

We first went to B-Dubbs in the German Village and that place is fucking awful. Totally depressing and projection televisions. I feel bad for the place. The 1 and I left after about four minutes.

- Missing The Godfather at The Varsity Club isn't a good thing. The day lacked something. I had the best time of the day AT the game. Bullshitting with McGinley and The 1 was awesome and the game was pretty enjoyable. The Buckeyes had some of their swagger back. I think the Oregon State win over USC had a lot to do with that.

I got really drunk. I don't really remember much. More to come.

- The Browns suck. But suck less than the Bengals.

- I spilled a full lemonade on The 1.

- I am glad the Buckeyes play on the road next week. Fun times at the EGG for the Wisconsin game. I assume me and The 1 will go at 5:30 or 6, the Godfather will come later, the Truth will be there at 5:31 or 6:01 and The Mayor and his assorted entourage will show up at about 7:52 p.m.

I had a pretty good weekend. I'm ready for Thursday.


- From the desk of Art McGregor

Monday, September 22, 2008

Bad Columbus magazines

Columbus has a few random magazines that seem to feature professionally-done photos of 22-year-old bartenders at places like Mynt with ugly back tattoos. I guess there's one coming out called "The O Face." Oh man. Can't wait.

The magazine obviously looks like crap and will be patently unfunny but might do well with the Affliction/backward hat crowd. The 12 percent of them that can read. But this post is spit-out-your-water-from-the-office-cooler-that-you-walk-to-16-times-a-day-to-waste-time funny.

This girl should just write posts critiquing Craigslist posts. She's funny.

Also, this post on TheDirty has some of the best smack talk in the history of the crazy rascals that talk shit on message boards and/or blogs.

Some of the better ones:

"I checked facebook and this dude only has 97 facebook friends.



"man people seem to either love this guy or hate him. all i can tell about him through the pics is that he’s repping his chest hair."

Repping his chest hair. Standing, out.

People are mean but bloggers are the geeks from sixth grade.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Glossary - 'Trolling for strappies'

The Godfather, when asked about the whereabouts of a certain female a number of years ago (or a couple months ago) said, "she's probably out trolling for strappies."

Trolling for strappies means looking to hook up with chicks who wear strap-ons. It's a harsh criticism but includes the words trolling and strappies. So that's pretty funny.

Trolling for jappies would be looking to hook up with orientals. But we'd never do that because we're not racist.

I know strappies is a collection of letters with vowels and the what not, but I actually don't know if it's a word.

FACT CHECK: We've never actively heard of someone trolling for strappies.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Ohio State 28, Troy 10

Blog on the Run editor

A couple hundred times this weekend I heard something and thought, "that'd be an awesome headline on the blog!"

But The Godfather pointed out:

"That's the bad thing about hanging out with the Truth. You never remember anything."

I walked back to The Mayor's house this morning to pick up my car. It was still there from Friday night. the Truth gave us a ride home on Friday night. German Village ain't exactly Jacksonville, Fla. when it comes to land mass.

"I might run out of gas," said the Truth, as he dropped me off about .7 miles (a 10-minute walk) from my house.

I sent a text to The Godfather early yesterday morning that said, "let's go to the EGG as early as possible."

I left the EGG last night around 11 p.m. Obviously, I was there still drinking as the theme of the day seemed to be "Yes, I'll have another beer." I rolled up a $38 tab on beer only. On a Sunday. You need it when watching the Browns.

I really think I've had two seminal moments since moving back to The German Village in 2005:

A Seeing The Mayor (black North Face) and The Godfather (gray Ohio State hoodie) at Club 185 on Friday, Oct. 28, 2005 and B the time at The EGG when The 1 said, "we're staying here until dusk."

You deserve to have Sunday Fundays. You should be out there drinking. Think back to that Sunday in July when you sat around, didn't shower, flipped channels for seven hours and struggled to fall asleep at night because you were so inactive throughout the course of the day.

The Godfather left the EGG at about 7:30 p.m. last night. I went over and talked to The EGG Guys for about two hours before they left. I just sat at the bar and watched the Yankees game and a little of the Packers game. I sent too many text messages to an old girlfriend in Baltimore.

When it all started, it was all good.

I walked into The Mayor's on Friday night and saw McCampus.

"You used to get a lot more excited to see me," he said.

True story. Dot org.

Seeing him was great as he pretty much says the funniest things ever. We (of course) retreated into the living room to watch baseball highlights on mute.

In that same way, it was good to have a funny text message exchange with The 1 throughout the weekend. I don't remember any of them.

That's the truth. And the Truth.

One person I did not see or hear from this weekend was NJAG. On Friday, Aug. 8 I went over her house and ate Tostitos. Then we went to The Patio. Then she said she wanted to get food at 185 and I didn't (already had had the corn chips), so she left and I haven't heard from her since.

For the first time since Thursday, Aug. 28, I went to The Patio. Ended up there on Saturday night. I had a blast on Saturday.

"I can't wait for next Saturday," I said to The Godfather Parents yesterday at lunch at Mad Mex.

Mad Mex? Eh. I thought a steak taco was just like a normal taco. I thought a taco had steak meat in it. It doesn't. Did like the rice though.

The key to Saturday was constant movement after laying around all day until 3 p.m. Got to V.C. at 3:45 p.m. and spent an hour or so talking to this Hot Jill Girl and her mom and thinking, "I can't believe I used to have sleepovers with this girl. (daughter not mom)"

Seeing Johnny K was awesome and he made small talk with the mom. I told him, "You smell like the beach!" He did. That's the awesome thing about Johnny K. He always looks like he just got home from the beach. In Ohio.

Spent a lot of time at the inside/outside bar at The Varsity Club. The Intern's brother played baseball at Ohio State a few years back so he was surrounded by the hottest chicks in the history of Columbus. I just stayed there for about an hour.

Went back outside and talked to The Doctor. Bringing girlfriends to Ohio State games is a great idea. Sarcasm is the act of lying on purpose.

Also chatted with a really ugly (not nice) Canadian (!!) chick for about 20 minutes. It could have been six minutes. We discussed Wayne Gretzky and what I was doing later that night. She was probably 32 but looked 43. I prefer when they're 18 and look 16.

Kinda fooled around with a really drunk chick for a little bit who stumbled and fell. Like. On the ground. She was so drunk she fell over.

Walked up to B-Dubs (after pledgin' NEVER AGAIN) and met up with The Godfather and two couples. McGinley wasn't in town so The Godfather was not a part of any couple and I wouldn't couple until hours later.

The Godfather actually stole a beer from the bar. He reached over the bar and took it out of the cooler. I've never seen that done before. I love when I see something for the first time.

Felt like I was seeing St. Patrick's Day Girl for the first time. Ran into her at Patio and then we made out (inside bar and then outside bar) in full view of about 200 people. It was my second bar face sucking session of the day. This girl didn't fall over.

She looked amazing. I don't remember her being that good looking. She has a couple upper back/neck TATS that added to the hottness.

Also saw Hooters Girl there and she said hello. She didn't respond to my text yesterday.

The night really kicked off when the Truth rolled into B-Dubs about eight seconds before The Godfather houdini'd to go to a PARTY IN THE GERMAN VILLAGE.

"It was kind of lame," he'd later say. "I kind of dozed off."

Truth and I went to Four Kegs where we talked to chicks about god knows what. Maybe chewing gum? Truth always ALWAYS has gum. Then we hung out in a parking lot behind the bar for five or ten minutes.

"Do you smoke?" McCampus asked Joe Incognito/Esera a night before.

"What? Pot? Meth?" Incognito/Esera responded.

Mayorfest '08 kicked ass. We (like you didn't know!) ended up chucking beer cans at each other and pouring beer on ourselves. This was about 2:10 a.m. It was me, the Truth, The Mayor and The Godfather. Average age? About 32.

I am sure I've leaving a lot out.

I can't wait for next Saturday.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I'm not always right (left-handed version)

Sometimes I just say things. They're horribly wrong but I think I'm right. I'm not saying opinions. I'm stating "facts."

I'm not out there saying, "McCain is going to Vermont" or shit like that. It's this doozy from last night:

"Los Angeles has 20 million people. Doesn't New York (City) have like 32 million?"

I am a pretty knowledgeable person. I am. I come off looking like a high school kid stuck in his late 20s (vice versa), but I am pretty smart about some stuff (rap music, television, 80s movies, Cleveland Indians, where hotties hang out).

Turns out. I wasn't even close on my population guesstimates. Population Guesstimates would be a great band name.

Phoenix is the fifth biggest city in the United States? Texas has three cities in the top 10?

This shit fascinates.

- From the desk of Art McGregor


Wow. Most people know Chuck Klosterman is my favorite. Like. Favorite person. Ever. While I'd never say I write like him, he inspires me to write and he has the greatest influence on how I write.

Favorite people rankings (male division):

1. Chuck Klosterman (klow-ster-man)
2. LeBron James
3. Jim Rome
4. Rush Limbaugh
5. Dennis Miller

Klosterman's latest book "Downtown Owl" is fucking hysterical. I am on page 63. I am not reading more than 30 pages a day so I can prolong the experience. I don't want to bust my nut right away. I bought it at The Book Loft. As I was looking down at the e-mail list at the check out counter, I notice cpn's brother and his wife were the last ones to sign it. (Useless side note.)

This book is funny because it tries not to be. There is so much hilarious shit in it that I can't stop thinking about. (And the short girl from Ugly Tuna last night. She had a great nose!)

It's about this town in North Dakota in 1983. Not making that up. (The book. Not the girl's nose.)

I HIGHLY recommend it and I recommend it high. It tells the story through the eyes of three people (a high school student, a young teacher and an 80-year-old).

Go buy this book.

- From the desk of Art McGregor/Klosterspatch

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Objectifying women: Girls of the Big 10 edition

Blog on the Run editor

Impressed? Of course. Overwhelmed? Hardly.

Then again, that's the charm of Ohio State girls. The football team too, now that you mention it.

Other than the contingent of ultra-bitchy 7's (that's a 1 through 10 ranking ... not the number on their women's OSU jersey) that frequents The Varsity Club on home Saturdays, Columbus State Ohio State girls usually are pretty friendly, approachable and into guys with cool hair. At least they were between 2003 and 2007.

Finally had a chance to read the October issue of Playboy. It's "The Girls of the Big 10" collection.

Finding an issue of Playboy is a challenge. Other than bookstores in airports, where do you find one?? I looked in CVS, a grocery store ... and that's about it. But still. I don't see issues of Playboy very often. About 362 days less than I did in 1992.

I had to buy "the digital edition." You can't copy and paste the photos, however. That's nappy.

A trio of Ohio State girls are included in the group of 48 girls. Well, 47 girls and one "other." Sorry, Illini.

I-L-L ... no need for the I-N-I. I'm already ill.

These are not the best Ohio State has to offer. It's not a slight on the following girls, it's just, not every girl is into getting naked on film (or digitally ... my $4.95 says so).

I remember a similar "Girls of the Big 10" came out in 2002 or 2003. I remember this because a girl I worked with at the Olive Garden had a roommate. This roommate worked at Hooters. Her name was Jessie (she looked like a Jessie) and she posed for the magazine. She was damn cute. I remember thinking how cool it was to know someone who posed in Playboy.

Nowadays I'd be more excited to meet someone who's been in "Girls Gone Wild." And none of that fringe "Girls Gone Wild: Dorm Room Fantasies" or whatever. That stuff is porn actresses. I'm talking the real thing. The real thing? Well, you know what I mean. I don't mind enhancements. I remember a girl I will call "Fakey" during the amazing Christmas Vacation of '06. She had talent. She also liked to wear different colors of hair. I remember walking her back to my place from Club 185 one night. She was legit stumbling. I should have just let her go with her friend but McGinley said, "she's fine. Let her walk it off." Thanks, McGinley.

She woke up with the infamous, "what did we do last night?" chorus. Nevermind.

Anyway, the three Buckeyes in Playboy go by fake names. Their fake names are Marie Morgan, Kelsey Evans and Jamie Graham. I don't get the "Jamie Graham" name but whatever. I've seen Ms. Evans and Ms. Morgan out and about in Columbus. They're hot girls. They're the type you remember.

Here they are (remember, I've seen the nudes. Not like famous nudes like "David" or whatever ... though I've heard Dave is magnificent ... the nude photos of these girls ... and Jamie Graham and Kelsey Evans have great pictures in the magazine/digital version):

Jamie Graham:

Kelsey Evans:

Marie Morgan:

I think this Kelsey Evans broad is the best of the trio.

This Marie Morgan character (fake name = character) might be hot, but her picture in Playboy is the nappy angle of just a little nipple from the side and her behind. Boo. It took this blog less than three months to say "nappy angle of just a little nipple."

I've talked about Ms. Morgan before. She won last year's "Campus Girls USA" challenge. I wrote:
The bottom half (bottom half. excellent) of the bracket is just ridiculous. In a semifinal, you have Morgan vs. Ashley. If this were the Final Four, this definitely would not be the game that tips off at 6 p.m.

In the junior varsity game, it'll be Natasha vs. Ebony & Ivory. Neither are in the top four, but both make the semifinals. So go the breaks.

In the championship, I go with Morgan over Ebony & Ivory.

Still, I'd pay the most money to see Halle and Morgan go at it in best-of-seven fashion. Or in no fashion at all.
Jamie Graham's picture is the biggest in the issue. And rightfully so. Where are you hiding those things? I don't know if this is being mean or whatever, but she looks amazing in her Playboy picture, if not her other pictures.

Kelsey Evans wins this competition. Cute girl, pretty face, hot picture. I can't post the nude photos on here (and Marie's side nipple picture), but Evans makes buying it worth it. It's funny. Marie is probably the best looking in real life, but looks the worst in the magazine. And by worst I mean a 9.

So what? I'm going to hell.

It's probably easier to find a Playboy there than here in central Ohio.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

USC 35, Oh** St*t* 3

Blog on the Run editor

What a pisser.

I've made a few mistakes. Like today. And I've only been up since 9 a.m. No power in my office! Whoot. Whoot. OK, OK ... here's a third WHOOT.

Now take those mistakes and ... you get the point. An exponential amount of mistakes Arthur C. McGregor has piled up through the years. Even when I tell people I'm 26. That's still a lot of years.

With a toe in the Pacific Ocean on Friday morning, I felt grounded. I made a mistake. I should have lived in California at some point.

Felt at home. My dad noticed and said as much. He told me, "you should live out here. You'd fit in."

It's simple. It's more laid back. I don't know how to quantify that but being in Hermosa Beach and Newport Beach (RIP Marissa Cooper) and Manhattan Beach, I felt good. The weather is perfect. People kind of drift around. No one seems in a hurry to do anything. Everyone seems happy. There's no clocks anywhere. It's never too warm. It's never too cold. I made a mistake.

So did Ohio State. They god damn sucked on Saturday night. I'm sure you've heard by now. No need to go further.

Fuck USC fans. Yes, there are tons of good ones ... and the fans tailgating (for the most part) were amazingly nice. And every girl with a "THETA '08" T-shirt was just amazing. I made sure to yell at most of them.

The tailgate was awesome. Much like what you see in movies. Makes sense being that the game was in L.A. Also, it's like what it'd be like if people could tailgate on the oval. Tons of mini tents and grills, walkways, footballs being passed around. The band and Song Girls marching around. Um. Heaven. Me and The Dr. (and Hammer) loved it. We ate at least 600 pieces of chicken that our boy Vinnie made for us. No utensils either. We had to look hot. About 13 beers deep, eating grilled chicken (on the bone) with our fingers. No napkins.

Also, NO open container rules. You could pretty much just drink wherever. Didn't see Utah or The Mayor. Saw TR O'Bannon and his former flame. The flame showed up at his tailgate? (Cheap Trick?)

God, I'm good.

Fans at the game were ASSHOLES. When they come to Ohio next year, no mercy. Treat every one of them (about 12 will travel) with complete hatred. We owe them nothing. They rubbed it in as worse as I've ever heard. I went to a Browns-Steelers playoff game in '03 and the Steeler fans weren't that bad.

I wish I had more trips like that with my dad. That's the awesome part. We had a great time. Other than the USC girls, the best part of the trip.

Tons of Buckeyes made the trip out there. We represented. At least off the field.

Will I ever go to a road game? Yes. I love it. Even if we lost, it was still awesome being there and seeing something new. The Dr. and I ogled and bullshitted (spelling?) with hotties for seven or eight hours pre-game. We made fun of people, yelled at people and made new friends. We combined to buy 90 beers at a combined price of around $90. We drank about 60 of them between the three of us.

The Browns blew on Sunday but what else is new. I told you they had a ZERO PERCENT chance of winning. I have NEVER missed when I said ZERO PERCENT chance of winning. LISTEN TO ME PEOPLE. A Cleveland team will NEVER win anything. NEVER.

Watched most of the NFL on Sunday at a bar called GRUNIONS. Legit had some Internet porn chicks in there with big dudes that look like Billy Walsh from "Entourage" only with crazy mustaches and bigger.

4.5 stars out of five for the trip.

Can't wait for 11.8.08. (Northwestern trip.)

Monday, September 8, 2008

McGregor: Hurricanes only hit Key West when Art McGregor lives there

It's been documented before, but Art McGregor likes pointing out that hurricanes only hit Key West the two summers (2004 and 2005) he spent there.

Hurricane Ike did not hit the island after learning McGregor no longer resided there.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Ohio University 14, Ohio State 26

Blog on the Run columnist

Sometime around 6 p.m. Saturday, I turned to The Godfather and asked, "do you just want to go back to the Village?"

I had had it. Couldn't get drunk at the Varsity Club. Tired of talking and/or answering questions. Tired of being told my hair used to look better or that I'm too picky or about bowel movements. Tired of tension surrounding talking about politics and hatred toward feminism. Silly libs.

Wanted to move on (dot org) and regroup.

Had the night mapped out in my head: Go home, relax, shower, head back out around 10 or 11 p.m.

His answer? A resounding "no." He wanted to go meet up with some people at B-Dubs and we did. And my quest to drink 430 beers without getting a buzz moved due east, as the crow flies along Lane Avenue to B-Dubs.

Saw a couple of friends of my sister and ate 78 boneless chicken wings. Did that thing where you sit down after six hours of drinking in the sun. That's always fun.

Thought the night was complete but The Godfather (The Godfather!) wanted to move to The Little Bar. That I can't complain about. I enjoy The Little Bar, formerly Lee's Market, no doubt some kind of speakeasy in the 1990s. You remember that place? Of course you do. I remember I ate dinner a couple of times at those apartments across the street. Friends of Johnny Jihad lived there. My how times have changed. Not really.

Thought it was good seeing Esq. earlier in the day at The Varsity Club. She's pretty fun to talk to. She says funny shit about shit and doesn't seem to have the filter thing in her brain. I asked about NJAG (haven't heard from her in a month after hearing from her daily for two weeks) and living in Cincinnati.

The day kind of represented the weekend. OK. Borderline bad. Hopefully the worst of the football season. The bar always is raised high on gamedays. And it was cool seeing Rainbow Bright and her people, but I would have liked to have done more.

Friday night it rained buckets right around the time I wanted to head out. If I hear one more fucking person say, "we need it!" I'm going to do nothing. Just pisses the shit out of me. If it's raining, it's Friday night in central Ohio.

Even the EGG let us down, although that's more because of the Browns performance. The EGG Guys were there, as were the bevy of bitties they travel with. Fuck. Me and The 1 came alone. That's what she said.

"Entourage" was OK. That's a pitfall of a 23-minute show. They had a lot to catch up on and they got things rolling for season five.

I'm probably being more hard (that's what she said) on the weekend than I need to be, but it just ... Ohio State is lousy and the Browns are worse. I am tired of rooting for the Clowns. They have the worst fucking pass rush I've ever seen. They run fades to the sideline on 3rd and 2. They fumble snaps on 3rd and 1. They give up first downs on every third down. They drop balls. They miss tackles. Same. Old. Browns.

They have a ZERO PERCENT chance of beating Pittsburgh this weekend. In the past year, I've rocked a "ZERO PERCENT chance" on three games (Indians/Sox Game 7, Indians/ChiSox in May, Indians/Rockies in June) and I've been right 100 percent of the time.

I thought of something really odd about OSU football. Since I moved to the German Village on Oct. 14, 2005, the Ohio State Buckeyes are 31-1 in regular season games. That's fucking crazy. While they don't have a ZERO PERCENT chance this weekend against USC, they aren't winning. I am Mr. Optimism on OSU Football, but they are going to get rolled. Take it from me. Do not THINK WE ARE GOING TO WIN. Don't. Enjoy the game. Enjoy Saturday leading up to it. Enjoy the fact that I'll be out in Manhattan Beach.

Just know that when this column comes back next week, Ohio State will be the second team listed in the headline again.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

LIVE BLOG (90)2(10)

Blog on the Run editor


Hopping in after twenty minutes. Second commercial break.

Like the opening theme song.

Brother and sister (brother is black, bro) and girl is white. Girl (Annie) is hot and can't seem to make friends at new school. Keep in mind, she's hot.

Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez is the news caster on the school news station. Daughter of AHN-Drea and Jesse. Erin Silver looks like the resident emo badass. They exist? Hot though. Erin is David Silver's sister. David lost her once at a playground when he was on drugs and "living in a fantasy."

The dad of the family is Rob Estes. He's also the principal at West Beverly High School. The grandma is Jessica Waters. She plays sorta the same role she did as Lucille on "Arrested Development." The woman is funny.

Naomi is the hot one. Kind of bitchy but warming up to Annie (the sister who moved from Kansas). There's sort of a cool-guy English teacher with great hair and a cool beard. Everything I want to be. He's talking to the student (Naomi) at a bar right now.

Dude, Jessica Waters (Lucille Bluth) is owning this show so far. Hilarious lines.

Naomi's boyfriend Ethan is pissed at Naomi's b-day party. Naomi's druggie friend Adrianna just stole Naomi's purse to cover a $200 drug habit.

Erin Silver has a blog. "The Vicious Circle." Erin Silver is really hot. Great eyes. Kind of crazy. Silver's blog has gotten "half a million hits." Unreal. Lots of talking about blogs. Kelly Taylor still looks good.

Boring story about the black son playing lacrosse with the principal/dad (Rob Estes). Black kid is Dixon. He got kicked off the lacrosse team.

Ethan is the star lacrosse player. He's conflicted and troubled. Naomi copied Annie's paper on "A Tale of Two Cities."

Naomi bought Annie a $800 dress.

Annie is now trying to be in the school play. She's rocking out. Dad (principal/Rob Estes) found out Annie let Naomi copy her paper.

At 8:42 p.m., the show is just pretty OK.

During the commercial break, it's cool to see "West Beverley High School" again. That was a cool moment and I'm sure most fans of the original couldn't help but smile.

Annie and Naomi are now fighting. Naomi is sexy. Naomi has issues with her mom. Mom wants to be the cool mom. Naomi is showing signs of growing up. Silver is apologizing to Annie.

Dixon is back on the lacrosse team. Oh no. More problems. Another commercial at 8:50 p.m.?

Lori Laughlin is a cougar. Looks better now than when she was on "Full House."

Annie snuck out to the party after dad grounded her.

Not a whole bunch of originality.

Rob Estes and Naomi's mom used to date. OH SHIT. It turns out they have a son together. But he's adopted elsewhere.

Naomi just found out Ethan has been cheating on her. Annie saw it long ago, told her brother, who texted Naomi in a fit of rage.

Silver is taking her to the beach. "A whole world outside of Beverly Hills."

Looks like Ethan and Annie are going to be an item at some point.

Kelly Taylor has a kid.

Adrianna got her drug money. Black kid has a loser, annoying long-haired friend. They could have ended the episode there. They had a happy ending.

9:03 p.m.

Annie broke up with Jason (her loser boyfriend from Kansas that she never talked about). That was odd.

The rival lacrosse team trashed West Beverly. Lacrosse is a huge deal. WTF. Is this fucking Baltimore? Nice sport.

Will Ethan and Naomi patch things up? They aren't breaking up. I like that. Realistic (seriously). Score points for that.

Annie found a new dude that sings. He's so dreamy. I think he's originally from Ohio in real life, though.

Adrianna is stoned to the bone.

Naomi has a little cute tramp stamp tattoo. Mr. Matthews (cool English teacher) likes Kelly Taylor.

Dixon is having problems being the principal's son.

Ty Collins is the dreamy singer. He's into Annie. He's also a "heartbreaker." They're grabbing dinner tonight after rehearsal.

Silver and Naomi hate each other.

20 minutes without a commercial. That's a longass time for a TV show.

"Jock-asses end up selling tires or car insurance."

Ty Collins drives a Bentley. He took her to a private airport. The restaurant is in San Francisco. Bad. ass.

Tampons commercial.

I'm not really the target audience.

Silver's telling her to go (via cell phone).

Dixon's loser friend has a dad that produces porno.

NAT!!!!!!!!!! AT THE PEACH PIT!!


BRANDON misses megaburgers. He also lives in central America.

Dixon is pulling a prank on the other lacrosse team. Who cares. Statement Peach Pit is a new trendy place.

Naomi is hooking up with Ethan's rival.

Grandma (Lucille Bluth) was in a car accident.

It's fucking tough to live blog a television show.

Phew. Grandma is OK. Grandma's name is Tabitha.

Ethan's giving Annie advice. I just can't get behind this Ethan-Annie thing. Ethan is boring as fuck. He needs an angle.

Things between Ethan and Naomi are "not good."

Annie and Ethan shared a nice friendly conversation with their feet in the swimming pool. Shallow.

The lacrosse team got busted. Dixon told his dad.

Adrianna bailed on this audition.

Silver has the same tattoo as Naomi. "Friendship." Silver's dad (Dr. Mel Silver!) had ANOTHER affair way back in the day.


Cool teacher knows something is up with Adrianna. Dad is teaching the team a lesson. I miss Steve Sanders.

Annie's mom (Lori Laughlin) found out she went to San Francisco. They've got one more commercial break.

Naomi and Ethan are looking like they're going to break up. Ethan "wanted out."

"I'm breaking up with us."

Dixon is back on the team. Dixon is "still trying to find his way around here." Mr. Matthews is bringing flowers to Kelly Taylor as a surprise. Mr. Matthew's name is Ryan. Kelly and Ryan are going to have an impromptu date with the help of Brenda Walsh. BRENDA FUCK KING WALSH.

"This ain't KANSAS no mo'." - Annie to her black brother

This show ain't the original.

First episode was too long.

Ethan was coming over to surprise Annie and spotted Ty Collins kissing her.

Final verdict: I'll continue to watch only because it's Tuesday nights. And Tuesdays are no longer booze days.