Guide to Ohio college girls

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

This post is inspired by this one from Awful Announcing. Hat tip to German Village Media's The Godfather.

Ever wonder what college girls are like at Ohio's public universities? Look no further.

Ohio State - Wears sweatpants to class ... Goes tanning at least twice a week ... Knows at least five football players ... Hair is colored and shoulder length ... Wears jerseys to football games ... Has affiliation with big-time city and proclaims to be a huge fan of its pro sports teams despite not ever watching any of their games ... Is either a close friend to or a bartender at campus bar ... Has at least one but no more than two black female friends ... Has a 41 percent chance of not even being a student at Ohio State despite what her Facebook says ... Dances on bars ... Goes out on Wednesdays and usually Mondays in addition to Thursday, Friday and Saturday ... Rarely has a boyfriend but always is fucking ... Has hooked up with a black guy ... Sends text messages at least three hours a day ... Will not graduate in four years ... Has a Jewish male friend from Cleveland area that wears glasses and smokes pot ... Will still be bartending by age 25 ... Smokes when she drinks ... she has at least one ugly fat friend.

Cincinnati - Couldn't get into Miami (Ohio) .. Hangs out at campus fraternities with future waiters of the world ... Did a stint at a community college before taking plunge ... Visits better-looking friends at Miami (Ohio) on the weekends and gets fucked by frat guys and/or athletes ... Will be overweight by the time she's 27 ... Likely still has a thing for her football-playing boyfriend from high school ... Hates that she goes to school at an urban campus ... she doesn't stick around Cincinnati in the summer.

Kent State University - Reads only magazines ... Thinks, "well, at least I'm not going to Akron" ... Goes tanning at least three times a week ... Wants to be a teacher ... Goes home a lot on the weekends ... Has friends she calls "her bitches" ... Travels exclusively in packs of girls that aren't really hot but aren't really ugly ... Has one really hot classmate/friend from Powell, Ohio or a private school in Columbus ... Goes to class twice a week ... Parties at some dudes apartment (who one of her roommates is definitely fucking) or frat houses ... Drinks only Natural Light ... Won't ever hold a job for more than a year ... Will get married in her hometown by the time she's 24 ... Loves to eat late-night food ... Starves herself the rest of the time ... Loves taking pictures with her friends in various fun poses despite nothing ever being fun in Kent, Ohio ... Just is glad she's not living at home ... Has 13 percent chance at graduating ... she takes it in the ass.

Bowling Green University - Couldn't get into Ohio University ... Sexually adventurous ... Makes the peace sign in 100 percent of the pictures taken of her ... Is really tan and has bleached-blonde hair ... Usually thin-looking but with a "skinny-fat" non-toned stomach ... Was a cheerleader or dancer in high school ... Likely from a Columbus suburb or western Ohio ... Fancies herself as an "intellectual" and actually thinks she has a shot at a good job ... Like the rest of the BGSU majority, figures she'll go to grad school "somewhere better" ... Complains about Bowling Green weather ... Fantasizes about spring break at least two hours a day ... Does this 17 hours a day in February ... Has two or three bars she goes to all the time ... Never pays for a drink ... Goes to only the homecoming football game ... Can't stand Toledo ... she probably is from Toledo and still keeps in touch with her guy friends from high school that play football at shitty Division III colleges.

Shawnee State - She is 37 and "going back to school."

Miami (Ohio) University - People who read blogs (or bloggers) will never have a chance to fuck any of them ... Any of them that matter, anyway ... In a sorority ... Has "girls she misses from home!' ... Has at least 600 pictures on Facebook, 472 of them with the Zoolander/kissy face ... Has a "side" of her face that looks better in pictures and only is photographed from this side ... Dreams of moving to Chicago ... Dates someone in a fraternity ... Has a lot of guy friends that are only friends with her because they want to bang the shit out of her ... Has a roommate her freshman year she designates as a "bff" despite knowing her just two months ... Dresses like a complete slut on Halloween and gets pissed if you look at her ... Fingerbangs herself thinking of the 13 black athletes on campus ... Gets drunk off two drinks ... Has at least four pairs of jeans that cost more than $200 ... Owns a North Face jacket ... Will be married by the time she's 25 to someone in the banking and/or business industry that has short hair and he will be fat by age 32 ... Will have at least eight bridesmaids in wedding ... Likely won't fuck more than three guys from freshman year to the time she's married ... she doesn't like sucking dick.

Akron University - Is from a county that borders Stark County. School most similar to Cincinnati in that state of Ohio except she couldn't get into Kent State ... she also takes it in the ass.

Cleveland State University - Lies about where she goes to school ... Angling for an excuse to transfer ... Always says what she's going to school for before she says where she goes to school ... Hates herself ... Couldn't get into Akron or "my parents want to see how well I do at college before letting me go away to another school." 99.9 percent of the people in Ohio have never met a girl that attends Cleveland State ... she has never read a full book.

Wright State University - Didn't want "to go too far away from home" ... Has a sexually explicit photo of herself on her cell phone ... Likely from Montgomery, Greene, Clinton, Butler or Warren County ... Likely dating someone in the military ... Will by divorced by age 30 ... Hangs out at friend's apartment who always plays video games and loves NFL football ... her boyfriend owns at least two Affliction T-shirts and isn't taller than 6 feet.

University of Toledo - Has black male friends ... Has friends still in high school that visit all the time ... Originally is from Ohio ... Watches "Family Guy" ... Works at a chain restaurant ... Seriously considers purchasing fakes tits at least twice a year ... Wears a lot of makeup ... Hung out with baseball players in high school ... Dates someone that played on the high school soccer team ... Drives a sporty American-made car with a sorority sticker on the back window ... Parents are divorced ... Smokes ... Will become overweight before she's 35 ... Will have three kids by that time ... Not afraid of accepting a booty call ... Is happy she doesn't go to community college ... Will work in retail ... Wonders why she didn't go to OU ... she plans to transfer every year at Christmas.

Ohio University - Jealous of Miami (Ohio) girls ... Fucks a dude that smokes a lot of pot ... Intrigued by "hippie" lifestyle even though phase passed in the early 1990s with the passage of grunge music ... Is friends with a Jewish male friend from Cleveland area that wears glasses and smokes pot ... Has more male friends than girl friends ... Looks forward to fraternity formals ... Drinks a lot ... Listens to O.A.R. ... Might be from out of state ... Brags about school's party reputation ... Doesn't like to hear, "well, there's 30,000 students there and nothing within an hour of campus, what else are you going to do?" ... Didn't get into Ohio State ... Still loves the Buckeyes ... Tries as best she can to get the fuck out of Athens in four years. Embraces green lifestyle ... From a suburb of the Big Three C's (Columbus, Cincy, Cleveland) ... Likes to cuddle/hook-up when she's drunk ... Has more than 1,000 friends on Facebook ... she hangs out with one fat guy who always wears hats and has facial hair and is "really funny."

Youngstown State - Says "I'm transferring after freshman year" 10 times before the end of her third year ... Has a ton of friends from Canfield and Cardinal Mooney high schools ... Lives at home ... Drives drunk a lot ... Can't wait to have priest who gave her first communion also marry her ... Has a back tattoo ... Has a lot of friends who's name ends in a vowel ... Visits friends at Kent State or private schools in northeast Ohio ... Always promises those friends she'll be joining them "next year" ... Is Italian ... she is hot until you realize she attends YSU and has probably fucked three or four dudes that look like bartender assistants at bars in the Arena District.

Klosterspatch

Wow. Most people know Chuck Klosterman is my favorite. Like. Favorite person. Ever. While I'd never say I write like him, he inspires me to write and he has the greatest influence on how I write.

Favorite people rankings (male division):

1. Chuck Klosterman (klow-ster-man)
2. LeBron James
3. Jim Rome
4. Rush Limbaugh
5. Dennis Miller

Klosterman's latest book "Downtown Owl" is fucking hysterical. I am on page 63. I am not reading more than 30 pages a day so I can prolong the experience. I don't want to bust my nut right away. I bought it at The Book Loft. As I was looking down at the e-mail list at the check out counter, I notice cpn's brother and his wife were the last ones to sign it. (Useless side note.)

This book is funny because it tries not to be. There is so much hilarious shit in it that I can't stop thinking about. (And the short girl from Ugly Tuna last night. She had a great nose!)

It's about this town in North Dakota in 1983. Not making that up. (The book. Not the girl's nose.)

I HIGHLY recommend it and I recommend it high. It tells the story through the eyes of three people (a high school student, a young teacher and an 80-year-old).

Go buy this book.

- From the desk of Art McGregor/Klosterspatch

Miller High Life commercial makes no sense

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I don't mind the Miller High Life "High Life, Reclaimed" commercials featuring Windell Middlebrooks. Although I don't think $11.50 for a hamburger is THAT bad.

But there's a commercial when the deliveryman enters Sky Box 228 (a private lodge) in section "right up here in La Te Da" at a baseball game. After the Miller High Life guy can't find an answer to "what inning are we in?" from the nicely dressed, hoyte toyte crowd, he starts removing the Miller High Lifes from Sky Box 228. A crowd like that, in a lodge at a baseball game, doesn't deserve Miller High Lifes, Middlebrooks explains.

Middlebrooks' character continues:

"The High Life is about sitting in the sun ... (pause) ... (incredulously) watching your favorite pitcher get lit up?!?"

Deliveryman must be rooting for the road team because all the other fans are cheering wildly as he pounds on the glass separating the well-to-do in the lodge from the normal folks out in the seats.

Commenting that he needs to "smell me a hot dog or somethin'," the deliveryman is outside less than ten seconds later and this time he starts cheering with the crowd.

So in ten seconds there must have been ...

Actually, there's no explanation. You can't be wildly complaining about a pitcher (against the wishes of the crowd) and be outside less than 10 seconds later cheering with that same crowd.

It defies the rules of baseball ... and I assume, the rules of the High Life.

Fuckin' Catalina wine mixer

- Mentioned I saw the movie "Step Brothers" this weekend. Enjoyed it much. I didn't like "Talledaga Nights" or "Anchorman" but loved this movie. I think I laughed throughout the whole thing and might actually go see it again. I mean, when it's on HBO in a year or whatever, I'll watch it a bunch then.

I had an ICEE at the movie. Cherry. Large. They are still rocking the red-colored ICEE's at the Arena Grand. This is different than the Lennox, which has white-colored cherry. RAY-CISTS! Why do they do that?

Maybe it's because I haven't had a pop in awhile, but the ICEE was really strong. Like I had ICEE aftertaste for at least seven or eight hours. It's not a bad aftertaste. But it's just sort of different to go through a Saturday feeling like you're sucking down an ICEE for eight straight hours.

- Saw "21" yesterday. Liked it. Would recommend it but it was really a flimsy movie. There's so many things in it that you're like, "well, why is he doing that?" or "why are they giving demonstrative hidden symbols?" and so on and so forth. But it's entertaining and not a terrible way to spend 100 minutes. Kevin Spacey was good in it. No homo.

- Going to see DMB tomorrow night with The Godfather at Crew Stadium. We've got pretty good seats. I'm not a big DMB fan, but do like seven or eight of his songs and his concerts are always fun, because like the sound or not, DMB is a talented group of musicians. I hope he plays three songs and I'll be happy: "Eh Hee," "Seek Up" and "Crush."

Fingers crossed.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Not 'Short' on ugly old ladies

(Short North street walker taking a rest)

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Whenever you hear someone say the word "misconception" they usually follow it with a positive anecdote about the subject of the "misconception."

(i.e. You know, a lot of people think that McDonald's in the German Village has shitty service and it takes 21 minutes in the drive-thru lane to get two hash browns and an orange juice. That's a misconception. The service is great! I went and it only took me nine minutes and no cars were in front of me!)

Monkey wrench time.

There's a misconception around Columbus that the Short North is the home of the good looking and well-to-do. Well, maybe there's a lot of well-to-do people.

Dude there are some serious trolls walking around that area of town. The Short North has far more weirdo-looking people than the German Village. Go eat lunch at Betty's in a window seat facing High Street at around noon.

Think about it ... do you ever see the homeless strange when eating at the Mohawk or Club 185? (OK, you do have a point about the High Beck. ... And that is on High Street so that kind of blows my entire argument.)

I have never seen so many 80-something homeless, looking old ladies. The males seemed to top out around the age of 73.

It's probably harder being a homeless woman, so I'm surprised they live longer.

At least they do in the Short North.

Goin' deep on sluts

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

A buddy of mine hooked up with a female with a pretty face and some softball thighs a few months ago at Brothers. She was a good sport. Mainly because she liked hooking up and probably played a sport (softball).

Went to Brothers again last night for dollar drafts with the "I'll cut your nuts off if you don't do this shot" Truth. Had four beers before heading back to Club 185 for another beer and shot. But not a shot of beer. I'm not a pussy.

I see Softball Thighs last night grinding up on some other dude near the dance floor. I immediately shot a text to my buddy. This was before the finger-banging and face sucking we'd all witness over the next 20 minutes.

The the Truth ran into some huge black dude and tried to help up all these girls that kept tripping and falling. Perhaps a drink might make them feel better? the Truth is a gentleman.

All this got me to thinking about Eric Clapton. Obviously. Sluts and dollar drafts ALWAYS remind me of 63-year-old English guitarists.

Clapton got married a few years back to a Columbus girl that graduated from Watterson. I think in 1997. Slowhand did all right for himself. The chica probably isn't 30 yet.

I don't think this is his first marriage. I'm not sure but I'd be willing to make a wager. Like my life.

So, if he ever plays "Wonderful Tonight" and she's in attendance and he looks over at her, does that bother her? I mean. The song wasn't written about her. That's just another perk of being a rock star. You can use the same song over and over again on any number of ladies. And no one can really bust your balls about it.

It's sort of song-writing slutting.

Is slutting even a bad thing? What is it? Does making out at a bar constitute being a slut? Or is jt just slutty behavior? What if it's with a new guy or girl (or both ... SHORT NORTH!) every time? Can repeated slutty behavior make you a slut?

Either way, Softball Thighs is 2 for 2 in hooking up at Brothers in the two times that I've gone.

That's a very high batting average.

Hey, there's football on

One of my favorite things about summer is when you're at a bar.

OK, when you're at a bar outside.

OK, when you're at a bar outside and there's a preseason football game on one of the televisions. It's the "beginning of the end" moment we're all excited about as we move toward fall. I think fall would win in a Gallup Poll of "what's your favorite season" in the midwest. Maybe nationwide (not the insurance company). But maybe that, too.

I'm not the biggest fan of preseason football because it doesn't matter. But it's cool to see in August.

You're standing at a patio and you look up and there's various guys from Ohio University or Mount Union or the like running all over the field on weeknights.

You don't even pay attention to the games. It's just a, "hey, football's on. It's time to be happy."

Without further notice, here's the national TV schedule for preseason games with Browns and Bengals games thrown in there for our readers in central Ohio.

Sunday, Aug. 3 - Indianapolis vs. Washington in Canton, 8 p.m. (NBC)
Thursday, Aug. 7 - New York Jets at Cleveland Browns, 7:30 p.m. (WBNS 10-TV); New Orleans at Arizona, 8 p.m. (ESPN)
Monday, Aug. 11 - Cincinnati at Green Bay, 8 p.m. (ESPN)
Thursday, Aug. 14 - Carolina at Philadelphia, 8 p.m. (FOX)
Friday, Aug. 15 - Oakland at Tennessee, 8 p.m. (FOX)
Sunday, Aug. 17 - Detroit at Cincinnati, 7:35 p.m. (NBC4)
Monday, Aug. 18 - Cleveland at New York Giants, 8 p.m. (ESPN)
Thursday, Aug. 21 - San Francisco at Chicago, 8 p.m. (FOX)
Friday, Aug. 22 - Houston at Dallas, 8 p.m. (CBS)
Saturday, Aug. 23 - Cleveland at Detroit, 4 p.m. (WBNS 10-TV); New Orleans at Cincinnati, 7:35 p.m. (NBC4); Pittsburgh at Minnesota, 8 p.m. (CBS)
Monday, Aug. 25 - Seattle at San Diego, 8 p.m. (ESPN)
Thursday, Aug. 28 - Cincinnati at Indianapolis (NBC4) OR Jacksonville at Washington, 7 p.m. (NBC); Chicago at Cleveland, 7:30 p.m. (WBNS 10-TV)

Regular season kicks off Thursday, Sept. 4.

- Compiled by Art McGregor

OMFG

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

As an unabashed fan of the television show "Gossip Girl" I'm glad to see the show getting some much-needed pub before its second season premiere on Monday, Sept. 1.

What a weekend that is! OSU-YSU on Saturday, Fantasy Football draft (scheduled) on Sunday and "Gossip Girl" on Monday!

For the record, I don't see the show lasting more than four seasons. It'll fall victim to the "OC" trap where a somewhat successful show loses its characters to movies and other projects. This group can't be kept around for long. That's a shame.

Blake Lively, on this month's cover of Vanity Fair, is growing into a star in her own right and rightfully so. Even the other characters on the show were featured in the rag mag.


As you can see, the show is using some racy imagery and words to promote its brand of television excitement.

The show's second season begins Sept. 1, following an August promotion to put viewers, um, in the mood. And here's a twist: The racy ads co-opt language from the very criticism of the show for being too, well, racy.

The thing I'm surprised about is that other shows in the past haven't done something similar. "Beverly Hills, 90210" and "Melrose Place"? I'm looking at you! "Dawson's Creek" could have done the same. "Party of Five" (in its early years) also could have used "backlash" to its advantage considering it marketed itself to the same demographic. Goes without saying "One Tree Hill" and "The OC" could have done the same.

It's not something "Murder, She Wrote" should have employed.

Where memories are made

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

In the context of living in the German Village, and having a group of people I'm used to seeing, this will be the weekend I'll look back on in say, "you know, that summer of 2008 wasn't too bad."

I'm having a great summer. Even-yeared summers are awesome. Yeared probably isn't a word but might come in handy if you ever need to rhyme a non-word with beard.

Sometimes memories fade together and it feels like things lasted longer than they actually did or that you did shit like that all the time. Two examples are the summer of '06. (I'll get to the other one later in this 'graph.) Hurricane Ifene only really hung out with us for six weeks that summer. It felt like 30. That's not a bad thing. It's not that that time made the summer seem longer in a bad way, it's just I feel like we all have a lot more memories than just six weeks. I mean, fuck. Another is Friday Guyday. Like I'll look back at this spring and think, "man, we always would do the Friday Guyday thing!" We did it three times.

Enough background.

So on Friday night, we went to Gresso's (Lindey's West on that night), High Beck and then Patio. I saw mostly everyone I usually see. I talked to the same people I normally talk to. the Truth got mad when you didn't want to do shots. I ran into two girls at Patio that I've been talking to recently. This chick from Arizona State and this other girl from St. Patrick's Day. I like St. Patrick's Day Girl (SPDG). But she looks different every time I see her. She's a hair stylist. Her hair always looks different. Sometimes shorter hair, sometimes longer, sometimes blonde, sometimes red, sometimes dark. I talked with her for a bit, chilled with the ASU sophomore and then headed home around 4 a.m. Miss July was sleeping on the couch. Maybe she didn't want me to pee on her again. Walking down the steps would have been tough in my state. Great FUCKING night. But that's not the real story.

(SIDE NOTE ABOUT GRESSO'S: I am looking at this dude in a Gresso's shirt and go, "dude, that guy LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE WORKING AT GRESSO'S. And then said, "THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE A GRESSO." The Godfather's correct response? "That is Gresso.")

After about 10 minutes of negativo Godfather at dinner earlier that night, the guy was in a great mood all night. We saw more NJAG-Blinders action. To new readers: Blinders is whenever someone ignores everyone else except their love interest. We met cool Milwaukee Brewers fans at the High Beck, got to see Gahannastan and tons of the Good Lookings at the Patio. The night didn't end. It just kept going.

the Truth also had the greatest toast of all time when he toasted to "getting things back to the way they used to be." Might have been the first time anyone's also refused to toast because of the toast. I've heard a lot of toasts before, but that's the first one to ever involve looking to go back to the past. It's not something the Obama campaign ever would endorse. That's for sure. the Truth's intent was fine. It's just how he said it it kind of made people look around.

Even saw Johnny K and the usual group of hot chicks he's around.

Can't beat the Patio on a warm night in July.

And years from now, when I'm bitching about the shitty summer of 2011 or whatever, I'll think back to this summer and the nights we spent at the Patio and I might throw up a toast to the "way things used to be."

Going to a bar after the wedding

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I don't mean to even include us guys in the "German Village Media family." This pretty much is for everyone I see out on a regular basis. The Vapids over at Gresso's on Friday night, the people we'll run into on Tuesday's at the High Beck, pretty much anyone who knows we call The Mayor "The Mayor."

We party wedding reception hard. Mostly every time we go out.

LEVELS OF PARTYING

1. the Truth (pre-8 p.m. jagerbomb ordering)
2. Wedding reception hard
3. Varsity Club before 8 p.m.

Again. This isn't to say, "wow, look at us! We drink a lot." We're not 18-year old high school seniors at some suburban school. It's just, we don't mess around. We're not leaving early. When we're going out, there's no doubt in anyone's mind the fun doesn't stop at least until about 2:10 a.m. While we've often got work the next morning, we never have to, "take it easy because I got work in the morning."

I went to a wedding this weekend in Virginia. My buddy got married. It was a small wedding. We got there at six and the open bar closed at 8 p.m. Fuck the Tour de France, we went on a sprint. Practically the Tour de Beers. All stages in that two-hour span involved triple-fisting Miller Lites and not winning any prizes. No one won a yellow jersey or a Harley Davidson T-shirt.

My eight good buddies from high school all were in attendance. Counting mister and missestrendy, five now are married. My muddy Sully isn't, my buddy Rod Munch just wins Emmys (four to date) and I hate marriage. I hate marriage because of the following non-sense:

It's a wedding. It's a reception. If I'm fucking driving 15 hours (not that I drove), I want to have fun. I want to stay out late and be stupid with my friends. We're all 29-fucking-years-old. We're not 45. How about growing a set and staying out later than 1 a.m.? Really, friends? I don't know. I just don't get it. Fucking tired? Really?

I had a nice time at the wedding. My one buddy has a kid now and she's super cute. But it's like, why can't we stay up bullshitting and laughing? Send the wives to bed. Seriously, go to bed. We'll catch up later. I just don't get it. We drive 15 hours and mostly everyone goes to bed/sleep at 1 a.m.? What happened to grabbing a couple cases and heading to someone's hotel room and laughing? What happened? You'd rather go to bed at 1 a.m.? Man.

All's I know is this ... my sister's wedding will be nothing of the sorts. It honestly has the potential to break most-drinks-drank-at-a-wedding record. That's just counting my dad and his friends. If anyone bails out before 2:30 a.m., you will get made fun of by me for the rest of my life.

I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does. Weddings are apparently joyous occasions and a lot of work goes into it. You have to travel, buy a gift, sit around people you may not want to sit around, drive back, open a thank you card, all that shit.

Stop being lame. Stop bringing the wives to the after-hours fun. I mean, really.

I get a lot of heat for not wanting to "grow up," and what not. Fuck that. I like to think of it more as a decision to want to keep having fun.

So with marriage you get to go home early a lot, take other people's feelings into consideration, miss out on fun times ... because I know it's always really boring when you're up drinking with guys you've known since 1993.

Sign me up for that shit!

Excitement happens ... sometimes

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I think "Batman" and "Spiderman" are the only two comic book movies I've ever seen. I think back to actually being excited about seeing a movie and I can't remember the last where I said, "damn, can't wait 'til that comes out."

So this weekend's "The Dark Knight" is one I'll see before heading down to Virginia on Saturday for a wedding-that's-a-14-hour-roadtrip-that-I'm-super-geeked-about-going-to-hint-hint wedding. Chances of me getting sick before having to leave? About 38 percent. It's not that I don't want to go see some friends, it's just. It's a wedding. All my friends are totally different around their wives. A couple wives don't even like me. It'll be a small wedding. I am not bringing the date. I am missing a rare Saturday afternoon Indians game. The weather is supposed to be perfect. I will spend all of Saturday and all of Sunday in a car with my sister and her fiance.

I think every wedding should be like the artist formerly known as TD Hoodie's. Hoodie is rocking reception only in downtown Columbus at 6 p.m. on a Saturday. That is fucking perfect. I cannot wait. You know how many times I've said, "damn, can't wait for a wedding?" About once when my buddy Jeff got married in Los Angeles.


I am in my sister's wedding in August and that will be exciting because I'll see my family and such and there will be something like 500 people there. The food's also fantastic and it should be a boozing until about 4 a.m. type of evening. But my fuckin' sister invites me to the wedding (I got an invitation? I'm in the wedding!) and doesn't put an "and guest" on there. Whole-lee shit. There is about no doubt in my mind that I will be bringing a guest just for that blatant slight. If I ever get married, which ain't happening, I'm going to be inviting only her with no guest. I might get married just to be able to do that. My sister has always been scheming against me and this is her latest attempt to get under my skin. It worked. But this ball game isn't over. In the words of Andrew Bernard, she won the battle, but I'll win the bigger battle.

Back to the movies. I loved the first new "Batman" in 2005. I hold a very special place in my heart for all things that caused me joy in the summer of 2005:

1. Cleveland Indians
1b. The television show "Blow Out" on Bravo
3. My mom and dad
4. "Batman"
5. "Rescue Me"


I do this because that summer FUCKING SUCKED. I went about 14 weeks without being able to walk, got dumped in a car in Maine because "she wanted a dog," and drank about 80 beers a week. I fuckin' love feeling sorry for myself.

I am taking tomorrow off from work because a friend will be in town tonight and I plan on getting bombed. I am just throwing that out there.

So I can wake up tomorrow whenever I want, schlep around the house, not shower for a long time, go see a movie, maybe take a nap and be ready to hit it for Round 2 before having to leave for Virginia to witness marital bliss.

Oh. Joy.


Why all this debate about gay weddings? I say, let them have it. Weddings are sort of for the gays, anyway, if you ask me.

'Breaking' news

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

I never found Sarah Silverman very funny. She always kinda struck me as sort of normal. I didn't find her attractive either. Maybe this is why I didn't find her funny.

I don't know. I think she gained a lot of attention because she was Jewish. I lived near a Jewish kid freshman year of college and he always vehemently argued that Alicia Silverstone was the hottest woman alive. It's not like I'm out there championing Irish girls. Most Irish girls are ugly.

(They look like this)

Silverman seems like one of those things/people "you're just supposed to like but have no idea why." It's like whenever anyone brings her up, you're supposed to say: "Oh yeah, I like her. She's funny."

I never thought so.

Anyway, apparently she's broken up Jimmy Kimmel. I guess that's sort of news.

Seth claims it's "because of that picture you posted on your blog of me."

That is news.

11A. ENTRADA

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Just got back from a lunch at El Vaquero. Didn't realize it pretty much only is an Ohio restaurant. There are some locations in Toledo and Michigan.

One thing really enthused me about the Gahanna location. On television they were showing ESPN DEPORTES. Baseball highlights in Spanish! That's awesome and makes total sense. Mexican restaurants should be showing that shit during the daytime. Even at night! It adds to the ambiance.

As some that have read me for some time know, I hate when bars just blindly put on ESPN and ESPN2. It makes no sense in this age and day where regionalized sports networks have the mostest bevy of the live sports coverage in the summer months. Bar Louie is the worst at this practice. Ever go in there on a Friday night? Not that I have recently, but you'll find "Baseball Tonight" (on mute) and "World Series of Poker" reruns on until they serve their last Bud Light. Fuckin' turn on STO or FSN Kentucky. Hell, pony up and get the baseball package - Eddie George Grill stlyes. (ALSO, why the fuck do some places throw an E on the end of grill?)

You can pretty much put an e on any wordd that ends in a double consonant. The last name Clarke also plays with this phenomenon. I have no idea how to spell the last word in the previous sentence. And it doesn't even end in an e. That I know of.

Well, lunch was tasty. You can't go wrong with that place. My bill today? $7.39. I know a guy who once at $17 of food there. That's a lot.

I'm still more excited about the channel they showed, however. The one that begins with an E.

To my sister ...

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

Hung out with a future roomie last night. (July 8 through August 15.) Everything went well. The Godfather today dubbed her "Miss July" because I lived with "Miss June" in, you guessed it, June.

Miss July is a champ. She reminds me of this television reporter that The Sports Writer dated in Washington/Idaho. A law student (trendy!) that actually wants to go to court, represent the poor and change the world. That'll last long. She likes working in a public defender's office!! Probable BHO voter.

(NOTE: If I may dote on myself for a few, I love that I said the phrase, "definite Clinton voters on that team." I think 94 percent of the dudes playing in our softball league are "definite Clinton voters." That's Hillary. You ever wonder why Hillary won Ohio? Check out the Thursday night league at Berliner Park. There's your answer. Lots of them gun owning, tobacco chewing, union Democrats. They ain't votin' for no black fellow.)

So back to Miss July. While we chatted last night, I kept referring to my former space cadet roommate Miss June. Miss June moved in on June 1. Left on June 27. Her forever vacant look has been replaced with a vacancy sign. I gander I said about 27 words to her. (Counting the two text messages I sent her.) That's like one per day. "Hey" counts as one.

I now know what it's like to have lived with a bad roommate. I now know what it's like to have lived with me. Sorry, missestrendy.

Miss June leads the nation in hair left in a sink. I'm not sure how she did it. I think she plucked out hairs from her own head and lined them up like guitar chords in our sink. She also believed in hanging four towels on the four-towel rack. Most towels were between one and two feet long. Miss June also liked open windows. With the AC on. She also liked to turn off the AC at various times. Her closing cabinets percentage hoovered around 18 percent. That means for every 100 doors/cabinets she opened, she closed 18 of them. From time to time, she'd leave the keys in the door overnight. She increased the amount of flies in my apartment from zero to 22 in less than a month. She outright refused to empty anything from the dishwasher. That's about it.

I wasn't that bad, but still. Every bad roommate should have to live with a Miss June.

Even in like March.

It'll probably get them in step with living as a decent rommate.

A big, a big hot sun

People are stupid.

The sun is in the northeast corner of the Columbus sky around 9:02 a.m. It's basically in the Youngstown of the big blue. God knows the sun never shines in Youngstown. Seriously, God knows. He's the one who created the sun and such.

So let's say you're driving due north on a busy two-lane commercial road. Speed limit is 45 miles per hour. Those people with little man's disease (cops) are notorious f.o.r hanging out there and issuing speeding tickets. Most people go about 50 or 51 MPH.

The fuck is someone doing walking RIGHT AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE ROAD about two inches from oncoming traffic? Trying to smell the coffee-breath of those passing by? Hoping for a one-second hand job?!? Unless you have a death wish, how about walking a few, oh I don't know, feet from the passing cars? The guy probably walked at least a mile and endured 11 or 12 near death experiences. His blatant "it's legal but fucking retarded to walk here" resulted in 11 or 12 left-of-center violations.

People, people, people.

Well, they got me to July. I know I've called the season over before. I know other people have too. Well, this is really it. The Pure Suck Tribe is 10.5 games out with about 80 games to go. It's over. Not even I will watch them every night. I likely won't watch another game from first pitch to final out. How Andy Marte and Jeremy Sowers are on a major league roster is beyond me and probably everyone else in baseball, except for the Indians front office. In the past seven months, I've announced the Indians to have four games in which they have a zero percent chance of winning: Game 7 of the ALCS, a Wednesday afternoon home game in May against the White Sox, a Thursday night game in June at Colorado and last night's 9-7 loss to Chicago (beating was far worse than the score indicated). They're 0-4 in those games. One good note from last night? Jim Thome officially passed Rasheed Wallace as No. 2 on my all-time least favorite athlete list. The list?

1. Michael Jordan
2. Jim Thome
3. Rasheed Wallace

When you add those in the industry, the list grows to include Art Modell, Markie Shy-pie-row and Eric Ass Wedge.

The gap between the top three athletes and the rest is so great that I don't even care to continue with the list.

The Truth texted me last night about heading to "the Club." I stayed in most of the night save for some time I dilly-dallied around Schiller Park. It may not rain today. That's unreal.

It's also July 1. The year is about half over.

The Tribe's season? That's all over.

- Compiled by Art McGregor

Conked republic

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

In a roundabout way, there's been quite a bit of news centering around a couple of Key West's finest. Though, I guess if you have a familiarity of any area and you read a lot of news stories, you'll always be able to draw connections between certain stories and a certain place. There's always a connection if you look hard enough. But if you tell a girl you "feel a connection" then there's no chance there's a connection.

About 10 days or so ago, former Key West High School catcher Ralphie Henriquez Jr. was on the opposite end of this semi-infamous YouTube sensation and SportsCenter clip:



Ralphie was Key West baseball in 2005.

When Key West hits the road, the team doesn’t travel alone. Up to four busloads of parents and fans travel hundreds or even more than 1,000 miles to games, all of which are broadcast live on a 5,000-watt AM radio station.

“It’s like a freaking band of gypsies,” a veteran Florida area scout said. “I’ll never forget when they piled off a bunch of buses in Orlando and the parents there were staring, like ‘What planet are these people from?’ Yeah, they love their baseball.”

Key West went on to win the state title that year. I broke my leg jumping over a fence following the state semifinal victory. After following them all season, all the way to Sarasota, I missed the state championship game. I liked that squad but Ralphie was the most different. Coach's son in a place where only in D.C. are politics practiced more often. I'd say a majority of people - even his teammates - disliked him. He eventually became a second-round draft pick a couple weeks after that state title game but hasn't done much. He's struggled and is still playing split-season A ball in his fourth professional season. The guy picked right after him? Kyle Slowey. He pitched a three-hit shutout yesterday to lead the Minnesota Twins to a win over the Milwaukee Brewers. Not exactly the Brooklyn Cyclones. (NOTE: On his stats, I think it's funny that they combined his dad's stats with his own. That's something me and my dad will never have to worry about ... unless it's a "Miller Lites consumed" stat.)

So when I told The Sports Writer about the video, he laughed and said, "only Ralphie."

The publisher of the paper in Key West was John Cooke. It was Jack Kent Cooke's son. JKC owned the Redskins until his death in 1997. Can't really own a team when you're dead. The decision making aspect, yeah, that is no more when your time has expired. Fucking biology. The son was a pretty nice guy. He was very hands off - at least with the sports department. He had an office in our newsroom and I had maybe five to six meetings with him in the course of two years. I remember he wanted there to be more outdoors coverage. Eh. I probably didn't listen.

Anyway, JKC's daughter ... he had her when we was 74 ... PIMP (!!) ... is 20 years old now. Her name is Jacqueline Kent Cooke. She's pretty hot.

(Then and now.)

I never saw her in the newsroom. Then or now. Damnit to hell. Anyway, she ran into some problems with the law over the weekend in Boston.

The pair returned to the car 10 minutes later and told the officers that it was useless for them to keep watching because they could not stop them from driving home, police said. The officers again suggested a taxi.

Didn't work out well. I think the mug shot tells the story. She does look kind of "dirty hot" in it.

(DSLs)

So Henriquez takes his cuts and walks away. Pissed off, but you know, doesn't really do anything stupid. Maybe Jackie Cooke could have taken some cues from the fella a year her elder.

We'll take it

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

One of the reasons I decided to get out of the newspaper business was to have a little more of a "normal life." I wanted to work Monday through Friday and have Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights off. I enjoyed boozing heavily at Club 185 every Monday and Tuesday night but working from 4 p.m. to midnight every Saturday ... well, it sucked.

As I'm sure all of you have noticed, it's rained 31 weekends in a row in Columbus. Not that I spend a lot time outside (maybe 30 minutes yesterday), it's just better when the sun's out in summer.

There is good news.

The sun is scheduled to come out and play all day tomorrow. Wednesday, too.

It's been a good two or three weeks since we were graced with such a forecast. Granted, it's supposed to rain this weekend. After all, 32 does follow 31. But it might be the forecast that just suggests the "atmosphere is favorable for thunderstorms." I remember in Florida they had the "sun/cloud/thunderbolt" symbol for at least 20 days in a row and it never once rained. Weather people are known for covering their asses. And the rest of their bodies' too. Not a whole bunch of nude weather men.

Phew.

Long Duk Receipt

BY ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

"Receipts
karma
this crowd
depletes"
- mistertrendy, October 2006

This post would be a lot better if I owned a ruler. I've moved some stuff around on my desk looked for one all over, but haven't been able to find one ... or 12 inches in this case. That's what she said.

I do have some 8 1/2'' x 11'' paper, so that will have to do.

Can't say I pay attention to receipts. I know people who save them. Whatever. I've turned in a couple (maybe three) for expense reports in the past, but mostly, I either throw them away or eventually wash them in my jeans pockets. They're not meant to be washed. Like most of the hipsters drinking PBR at Cara Bar.

It's a well known fact that I don't go to the grocery store very often. It's newsworthy when I do. I guess I've been going a little more recently, but I don't think I've ever bought more than six items at the store. Maybe eight.

Keep in mind that on the receipts I'm about to describe, I never bought more than three items.

A receipt for Gay Kroger in the German Village is slightly more than 11 inches long. Giant Eagle German Village gives you a receipt that is a little longer than 10 inches. Subway (SOT - South of Thurman) prints out a receipt that's about nine inches. Is this necessary? I'm not Mr. Green or anything, but why do grocery stores go through all this trouble being environmentally conscious with the re-usable bags and such and then give you all this excess receiptedness.

I doubt an entire receipt has ever been read.

Like whoever penned this nugget on a Kroger receipt:

"Eligible Rx spending is included."

Sorry pal, I don't know that anyone (other than me) has ever read that sentence.

They say the 1980s were the decade of excess, I like to think receipts were about 25 years late to that party.