Monday, December 22, 2008

Belton out a bender

Blog on the Run editor

Had quite the bender this weekend. Put on a rather nice drinking display. If we were to liken my weekend to an NBA (basketball) game, we'd say (because we are going to liken, if not lichen, this shit) I shot the ball 36 times, made 17 of them, made a handful of free throws, had one rebound (rim shot!) and no assists. I scored 51 points in a losing effort. Will get into the weekend shortly. Seriously. It's a two-day work week for me. Well, three but whatever. Again. We'll get into tha. I promise. I'll even find that missing t from the last word two sentences ago.

If you know anything about me, it's two things: God hates me and I'm the most unlucky sports fan/gambler/fantasy football player of all-time. I'm the most influential sports fan in the history of the world. That's not a joke. Teams I root for FLAT-OUT don't win. I know people enjoy hearing stories about fantasy football almost as much as they like picture-only-posts over at German Village Media that make sense to only one person, but I'm going to give you an example.

I played in the Final Four of my Yahoo! fantasy league the weekend of Dec. 12. I had the No. 1 seed and rolled through the regular season. Then Andre Johnson single-handily beat me with a FRANCHISE RECORD 200-some-odd-yards receiving day. So keep this in mind, the Texans have been around for five or six years and ... and ... this dude had the BIGGEST DAY in the history of the team ... just to beat me. This past week (yesterday) when Andre Johnson wasn't playing against me? He had FUCKING ZERO CATCHES. NONE.

Everything fell apart on Saturday night. This continued into Sunday. This doesn't include when I randomly left Art School Dropout's apartment without saying a word but in full view of everyone. I picked five bowl games this weekend. I won't count the one I won because ESPN pointed out that 94 percent of the country made that pick as well, so no big deal on that one. So I lost the other four. This is almost impossible to do. I picked two favorites and two underdogs. Had I picked any other combination, I'd have won more games. It's pathetic.

I'm an all-or-nothing-type guy. When fucking Belton (Wake Forest player) scored on a god damn meaningless touchdown run when Wake coulda just KNEELED on the ball, I threw myself to the ground and knew it was all over. I really threw myself on the ground. The Godfather witnessed this action. Despite there being 35 other bowl games to go, I knew my goose was cooked. I look forward to Bowl Season probably more than anyone and as of right now, in our 35-man poll, I am in FUCKING LAST PLACE. It's all over. I look forward to looking forward to the Motor City Bowl and the Independence Bowl and even the International Bowl. It's all over now.

God hates me.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Big black guys

As you know, we call big white guys "Logan Mankins" because there's a big guy with that name. He plays offensive line which is awesome because if you name your kid LOGAN MANKINS it's pretty much a guarantee that he's going to be playing offensive line.

I now will refer to all big black guys as Vishante Shiancoe once I figure out how to pronounce his first and last name.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Ohio State 67, Notre Dame 62

It seems like the Ohio State basketball team takes awhile to get warmed up.

They start each game with the pass-it-around-the-3-point-line-for-30-seconds-and-then-take-and-miss-a-bad-shot offense before settling into a groove and wearing teams down with defensive pressure, athleticism and decent depth. They'll have a good years before losing in the first or second round of the NCAA tournament. But they're enjoyable to watch. Even though we know they're going to flame out, we'll still watch and support.

About midnight on Saturday night came our flame out.

Anticipating a crazy, hanging-from-the-rafters-type evening, we went to a basketball game, had a sit down dinner, went to a bar with seven people in it before heading to a couple of others bars before half our posse houdini'd and left The Godfather and I at the bar. Guess it was time to leave. This came at about 12:07 a.m. when the bar started to fill up, there was about a 50-50 male/female split and we'd never have to worry about seeing any of those people ever again. I also had been drinking heavily and had the quickest buzzkill in Hoosier State history.

I had heard some legendary stories of road trips to Indianapolis.

My New Year's (starting today) Resolution is to never houdini. It kills evenings. I mean, I know it doesn't all the time but still.

That's the thing with expectations. Very rarely do you have a hanging-from-the-rafters-type evening. But I thought Saturday would make it happen.

Great time at the Ohio State-Notre Dame. We were exactly the dicks you thought we'd be to Notre Dame fans. We had amazing fucking seats. I liked Lucas Oil Stadium and the game was wildly entertaining, Ohio State led most of the way and I had a 96-ounce lemonade in a souvenir container.

Enjoyed the drive to and from the game. We talked about Facebook a lot. I made some tweets on other occurrences but not currencies (foreign or otherwise). Props to McGinley and The Godfather (the liberal who said that college professors are responsible for jump-starting a state's economy) for providing the plans and the wheels.

Little did I know I'd have the most crazy fun Friday night at BAR LOUIE'S which still sucks and what not but had a good high top, talked to chicks and tried to go drink-for-drink, shot-for-shot with Logan Mankins Jr. (Wyoming Guy). Not a good move. I think Wyoming Guy is like 6-foot-5, 300 pounds and has a beard or something. I don't know if he actually has a beard but when I think back to the month he was around Columbus, I'll remember the (supposed) beard.

The Little Bar saved this NFL season. I look forward to Sundays again. Leodis! (Lee-otis.) Sometimes on the German Village Media Family of Networks (GVMFoN) we say something and you're all like, "what the fuck are they talking about?" Leodis is a defensive back on the Buffalo Bills. Bills fans always yell his first name so we do too. Leeeeeeottttttis.

Crazy Steelers Guy from a few weeks back was in the building and I told The Godfather, "he's out-Bills-fans-ing the Bills fans!" He is insane. He did four consecutive upper-cut fist pumps (alternating hands ... from a crouching position) while yelling "whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." I can't wait for next Sunday. Hot, friendly bartender (I think The Godfather and myself nearly proposed), hilarious owner-type-dude that live wagers on Internet gambling sites, a Canadian guy that progressively got more and more chatty and drunk (we never knew his name) and the bartender's heaven-sent-ass. Plus Bills fan. I've now named the four Bills fans:

1. Marshawn - The leader. Works at OSU hospital and gets real drunk on Sundays. Don't get sick on Mondays.
2. Whitner - Quiet guy. Doesn't drink.
3. Beard - Yells a lot has a rocking huge beard.
4. Edwards - Most negative fan. Hates Derrick Dockery and once said ... "The Bills have two players. Leodis and Marshawn."

The 1 got their early and we sat at the bar (great move). We made friends and hung out there for about four hours. I could have stayed longer but the bartender's shift was up which prompted us to ask, "so what are good nights of the week here ... that you work?"

We'll be watching the Fiesta Bowl there and maybe New Years Eveing it. She works a lot of jobs.

Got home and started to drink at nine. Fell asleep at 1 a.m.

I'm heading over to the trendys for "Gossip Girl" tonight.

I really thought I had a chance to date the girl I've currently been seeing for more than six weeks (a record for me since moving to the German Village) but about five weeks in ... that's about over. She's all the sudden "studying" a lot more and "passing out at 1." Remember that time you chose studying over hanging out with someone you wanted to see? I haven't seen her since this past Tuesday and look forward to asking her out (and being denied) two more times. I mean seriously. Why not just say, "look, you're fun to talk to but I am not going to hang out with you again." Would it be that hard?

It's like with Dorothy from Halloween. I flat out told her: "You live in Cleveland. I liked hanging out with you so I'm not going to lead you on." It took about four seconds. WTF.

I bet that you love reading this shit.

Happy fucking Monday.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Friday, December 5, 2008

O' what of the Bombshells?

Bob Hunter is reporting today that the Arena Football League may be folding before the start of next season.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Sunday, November 30, 2008

While you were away: Little Bar on Sundays


OK, first of all:

Props to The Little Bar. They take care of you. Great service. The hot bartender in the Browns No. 82 jersey looked really hot today. The 1 said so himself.

The 1 and I got there at 1 (oddly enough) and ordered the most food ever from Wings & Brew (real name of the place). I still have "mild wings" burps going on. That cheese bread is fantastic.

The Bills Fans yelled "Leodis" upon our entrance and 31 times throughout the game. They ripped off their jerseys when the Bills lost to the 49ers. They averaged 1.2 f-bombs per minute. They turned on each other. That's what I loved. They flipped off the television screen and said "Beast Mode" 600 times. I major in hyperbole but these are all real stats. I didn't throw any pencils at The 1 but we had a grand fucking time, each sucking down three 22-ounce beers and at least 3,000 calories of fried food.

We left at 4 p.m. and it was raining and cold and then I got home and realized I had nothing to do until the time I went to bed. I decided to do laundry and start drinking at 9 p.m. I did it. I accomplished something. Chest bump? Chest bump.

God, I had a good day. I had a great Saturday night and a better Friday and an even better Thursday. I will continue to update you as I see fit.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Passin' me by

Blog on the Run editor

I like the song "Heartache Tonight" because it reminds me of how a lot of nights end when they begin with a drink.

Tonight's a day where that will happen especially in large numbers. Other than St. Patrick's Day (on a Tuesday this year ... five-day weekend!) and New Year's Eve, there's not a night where more people are out "actin' the fool" as the kids in Dublin and Worthington say.

Tonight usually sucks, though. That's the thing. I prefer the night after Thanksgiving. I prefer the week around Christmas.

There's too many people out in the hours before turkeys go into the over. There's too many "pissed off looking" girls. Homies, what's the deal? Fucking smile. You're off work tomorrow. Tomorrow's a legit fun day. You made the choice to go out. You have to understand (by now) that there will be a lot, A LOT of guys out. If you're not totally disgusting, guys will notice you and think in their heads, "I want to fuck that chick." Some might act on the notion. Others (like me) will just stare uncomfortably. Deal with it or stay in. Have a "girls night" at someone's house. Why the fuck are you out if you're going to stand there looking pissed at the world? Go the fuck home. My hand. Your face.

There's too many chachie dudes. There's not enough people like Art McGregor, followers and staffers at the German Village Media Family of Networks because most people like us are married (by now) and in bed by 11 p.m.

I know I eschew "growing up" and refuse to admit that "things pass me by," but the night before Thanksgiving is something I'm getting too old for. Who's going to be out tonight? People younger than me and maybe that dude from "How I Met Your Mother."

I grew up in a town where everyone gets married by the time they turn 30. Half of me wonders if I'll self destruct when I turn 30. The other half will be self-destructing. The night before Thanksgiving offers nothing for me in Mahoning County. I'm not "feeling it." I used to have a cousin that bartended at the local-where-everyone-goes-out-bar but now he works in Las Vegas. I don't.

But I'll be out tonight.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Early to bed, waiting to rise

(Scene from Skully's later tonight.)

Took my fifth visit to Date State University last night and splurged for the big meal at El Vac. I told her it was a cheap place and that played into my decision to go there. She didn't seem to mind. That's one advantage to dating a college girl. They really do eat like crap the rest of the time.

"Usually just pick up a bag of chips at UDF."

Along those same lines, I went home right after dinner. We spent a long time talking about the weekend and figured it best to get some rest. Went home and watched some "Dirty, Sexy, Money" with The Godfather. He really is critical of Lucy Liu.

When that's the third paragraph of a run-down of the previous night, you know not too much happened.

Before getting to El Vac, I made the pimp move of stopping for gas with her in the car because I was about to run out.

Today figures to drag on for about 600 hours.

Yesterday flew by, no doing of my own. I had one of my least productive third Wednesdays of the month I've ever had. Didn't booze though.

And on the fourth day, there was rest. And the rest? We'll surely make some history.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Monday, November 17, 2008

Ohio State 30, Illinois 20

Blog on the Run editor

Thursday night feels like about six weeks ago.

We sat at the downstairs bar at B-Dubs Lane (campus) Saturday night swilling 16-ounce Miller Lite drafts. Obviously I sat next to a guy that played football at Wyoming (I've never been) and The Godfather drank vodka and soda and every time the bartender (great thong) asked us if we needed another drink, we said yes. This all happened before 9 p.m. When we ended up at that house (no clue who lived there) around 3 a.m., I imagine our bartender had slipped out of her tight black pants. No seriously. I imagined it big time about 40 minutes later when I got home.

I opined that she was from northwest Ohio. She wasn't. She went to Massillon Jackson.

"Polar Bears," I said.

She lacked impressed.

When the time comes to trade in this lifestyle for one far less exciting, I'll have to give up nights like Saturday. Sure, we went out and did some things on Friday but it was a rather forgettable night. Not really a bad night, but we went to Barley's, The Patio and Gaswerks. It's like, I doubt when you Google mapped my whereabouts at 2:10 a.m. on a Friday, you'd find me standing next to McGinley inside Gaswerks.

Didn't do shit on Saturday. Had just said no to showering for the day's first 19 hours (includes the roughly seven-plus hours I slept/was passed out). Laid on the couch and chair and watched college football. When I laid on the same couch 29 hours later, I had a few more memories.

the Truth sent me this text at 11:38:48 p.m.:

"big week... buckeye weekend all weekend long!"

When I affirmed he sent:

"I think we did a good job of preparation... I look forward to your performance this week, you better get some sleep. It might be your last chance!"

I LOL'd and said something else witty (I was kinda buzzed) and he responded:

"LOL! I plan on working 10-3 with a 1.5 hour lunch all week. GVM baby, it's great to be us!"


I've got a soft spot in my heart for Wyoming. A few nights before Christmas in 2004, I watched the Las Vegas Bowl at the Flying Monkey in Key West. We watched the game with a bunch of rowdy Wyoming fans (cowboy hats). If like Rutgers was playing Nevada, it wouldn't have made much sense, but you see, Wyoming was playing UCLA. Wyoming pulled the upset and we all drank and got crazy and I think I hooked up with some random. More than likely. I also love Wyoming because I like how the word looks printed out and I used to watch the Monday night midnight game on ESPN that always featured New Mexico, UNLV or Wyoming. Sometimes Utah. Sometimes Utah would be a great band name.

Did you know on Christmas Eve of that year I ordered (and ate) two Outback Specials from Outback Steakhouse? You know very well, who you are. Don't let 'em hold you down. Read for the stars.

Probably better was Dec. 23, 2003. The Sports Writer was back in Toledo, so I went out with my boss and his 21-year-old sister-in-law. That I night I did the following things:

1. Spit on a guy and didn't get kicked out of the bar although the guy promised to "rip your fucking head off." My head is still intact despite what you think of this blog.
2. Witnessed my boss walk down Duval Street in tennis shoes and tighty whiteys while smoking a cigarette.
3. Let my boss steal my roommate's DVD of "Bad Boys 2."
4. Hooked up with the sister-in-law in our hot tub and 87 percent of the rest of our house.
5. Pissed all over my keyboard when she was asleep.
6. Treated her to a Christmas Eve lunch of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
7. Never talked to her again.

Back to Saturday. I sat next to the Wyoming guy, a friend of Sleepy's. Sleepy was in town this weekend so we met him at BDL at about 8:30 p.m. We drank and laughed and talked and bullshitted for the next seven hours. I let Wyoming Guy (hugest man I've ever seen) know that I saw him "struggling with the menu" when he asked why I didn't ask him about books. I'm not really sure on the other details. We watched UFC and football at a place with wings and beers and had the audacity to make fun of fratty guys. The weather was very raw. I kept letting people know my fascination with the fact that there will be a live college basketball game shown at 4 a.m. Tuesday morning. The Godfather must have said 400 times that "Houston scored 70 on Tulsa. Has there ever been a top 25 team that had 70 points scored on it?"

Wyoming Guy (I love this) also told us about the easiest place to hook up with hot dumb chicks. He said No. 2 is Hattiesburg, Miss. and the top-ranked place is Nacogdoches, Texas. I love that he has ranked the places because I've done the same. My No. 1 is a little different. I contend it's a Sunday night during spring break at a spring break destination. Only the truest skanks go out on Sundays.

What makes me laugh about the night is that I had zero forward momentum going into the evening. Both Thursday and Friday were kind of lame. I didn't leave my living room on Saturday afternoon. It was rainy out. The Godfather was wearing sweatpants.

We overcame. We went out. We also walked past a what-the-fuck-was-that-place some beatnik bar across from the Scarley & Gray Cafe.

McGinley showed up late to whisk The Godfather away to Club 185. the Truth sent me a text that said, "tons of hot girls at Club 185!" When I got there at 1:45 a.m., there were none outside the bartenders. And one of the bartenders was smoking outside.

We made a pitstop at McFadden's beforehand where a totally hot chick with boyfriend hit on Wyoming Guy. I would have stayed there but Sleepy kept yawning. We left and went to 185. We'd later go to an afterhours at someone's house.

"Who's house were we at?" I asked The Godfather yesterday morning (1:32 p.m.).

I did less on Sunday that I did on Saturday. We had two TVs set up in the living room so we could watch one sporing event along with another one at the same time. I walked to Shell at 9 p.m. to buy my Sunday night drinking supplies and then drank for the next four hours. I fell asleep.

It might have been my last chance this week.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Guide to Ohio college girls

Blog on the Run editor

This post is inspired by this one from Awful Announcing. Hat tip to German Village Media's The Godfather.

Ever wonder what college girls are like at Ohio's public universities? Look no further.

Ohio State - Wears sweatpants to class ... Goes tanning at least twice a week ... Knows at least five football players ... Hair is colored and shoulder length ... Wears jerseys to football games ... Has affiliation with big-time city and proclaims to be a huge fan of its pro sports teams despite not ever watching any of their games ... Is either a close friend to or a bartender at campus bar ... Has at least one but no more than two black female friends ... Has a 41 percent chance of not even being a student at Ohio State despite what her Facebook says ... Dances on bars ... Goes out on Wednesdays and usually Mondays in addition to Thursday, Friday and Saturday ... Rarely has a boyfriend but always is fucking ... Has hooked up with a black guy ... Sends text messages at least three hours a day ... Will not graduate in four years ... Has a Jewish male friend from Cleveland area that wears glasses and smokes pot ... Will still be bartending by age 25 ... Smokes when she drinks ... she has at least one ugly fat friend.

Cincinnati - Couldn't get into Miami (Ohio) .. Hangs out at campus fraternities with future waiters of the world ... Did a stint at a community college before taking plunge ... Visits better-looking friends at Miami (Ohio) on the weekends and gets fucked by frat guys and/or athletes ... Will be overweight by the time she's 27 ... Likely still has a thing for her football-playing boyfriend from high school ... Hates that she goes to school at an urban campus ... she doesn't stick around Cincinnati in the summer.

Kent State University - Reads only magazines ... Thinks, "well, at least I'm not going to Akron" ... Goes tanning at least three times a week ... Wants to be a teacher ... Goes home a lot on the weekends ... Has friends she calls "her bitches" ... Travels exclusively in packs of girls that aren't really hot but aren't really ugly ... Has one really hot classmate/friend from Powell, Ohio or a private school in Columbus ... Goes to class twice a week ... Parties at some dudes apartment (who one of her roommates is definitely fucking) or frat houses ... Drinks only Natural Light ... Won't ever hold a job for more than a year ... Will get married in her hometown by the time she's 24 ... Loves to eat late-night food ... Starves herself the rest of the time ... Loves taking pictures with her friends in various fun poses despite nothing ever being fun in Kent, Ohio ... Just is glad she's not living at home ... Has 13 percent chance at graduating ... she takes it in the ass.

Bowling Green University - Couldn't get into Ohio University ... Sexually adventurous ... Makes the peace sign in 100 percent of the pictures taken of her ... Is really tan and has bleached-blonde hair ... Usually thin-looking but with a "skinny-fat" non-toned stomach ... Was a cheerleader or dancer in high school ... Likely from a Columbus suburb or western Ohio ... Fancies herself as an "intellectual" and actually thinks she has a shot at a good job ... Like the rest of the BGSU majority, figures she'll go to grad school "somewhere better" ... Complains about Bowling Green weather ... Fantasizes about spring break at least two hours a day ... Does this 17 hours a day in February ... Has two or three bars she goes to all the time ... Never pays for a drink ... Goes to only the homecoming football game ... Can't stand Toledo ... she probably is from Toledo and still keeps in touch with her guy friends from high school that play football at shitty Division III colleges.

Shawnee State - She is 37 and "going back to school."

Miami (Ohio) University - People who read blogs (or bloggers) will never have a chance to fuck any of them ... Any of them that matter, anyway ... In a sorority ... Has "girls she misses from home!' ... Has at least 600 pictures on Facebook, 472 of them with the Zoolander/kissy face ... Has a "side" of her face that looks better in pictures and only is photographed from this side ... Dreams of moving to Chicago ... Dates someone in a fraternity ... Has a lot of guy friends that are only friends with her because they want to bang the shit out of her ... Has a roommate her freshman year she designates as a "bff" despite knowing her just two months ... Dresses like a complete slut on Halloween and gets pissed if you look at her ... Fingerbangs herself thinking of the 13 black athletes on campus ... Gets drunk off two drinks ... Has at least four pairs of jeans that cost more than $200 ... Owns a North Face jacket ... Will be married by the time she's 25 to someone in the banking and/or business industry that has short hair and he will be fat by age 32 ... Will have at least eight bridesmaids in wedding ... Likely won't fuck more than three guys from freshman year to the time she's married ... she doesn't like sucking dick.

Akron University - Is from a county that borders Stark County. School most similar to Cincinnati in that state of Ohio except she couldn't get into Kent State ... she also takes it in the ass.

Cleveland State University - Lies about where she goes to school ... Angling for an excuse to transfer ... Always says what she's going to school for before she says where she goes to school ... Hates herself ... Couldn't get into Akron or "my parents want to see how well I do at college before letting me go away to another school." 99.9 percent of the people in Ohio have never met a girl that attends Cleveland State ... she has never read a full book.

Wright State University - Didn't want "to go too far away from home" ... Has a sexually explicit photo of herself on her cell phone ... Likely from Montgomery, Greene, Clinton, Butler or Warren County ... Likely dating someone in the military ... Will by divorced by age 30 ... Hangs out at friend's apartment who always plays video games and loves NFL football ... her boyfriend owns at least two Affliction T-shirts and isn't taller than 6 feet.

University of Toledo - Has black male friends ... Has friends still in high school that visit all the time ... Originally is from Ohio ... Watches "Family Guy" ... Works at a chain restaurant ... Seriously considers purchasing fakes tits at least twice a year ... Wears a lot of makeup ... Hung out with baseball players in high school ... Dates someone that played on the high school soccer team ... Drives a sporty American-made car with a sorority sticker on the back window ... Parents are divorced ... Smokes ... Will become overweight before she's 35 ... Will have three kids by that time ... Not afraid of accepting a booty call ... Is happy she doesn't go to community college ... Will work in retail ... Wonders why she didn't go to OU ... she plans to transfer every year at Christmas.

Ohio University - Jealous of Miami (Ohio) girls ... Fucks a dude that smokes a lot of pot ... Intrigued by "hippie" lifestyle even though phase passed in the early 1990s with the passage of grunge music ... Is friends with a Jewish male friend from Cleveland area that wears glasses and smokes pot ... Has more male friends than girl friends ... Looks forward to fraternity formals ... Drinks a lot ... Listens to O.A.R. ... Might be from out of state ... Brags about school's party reputation ... Doesn't like to hear, "well, there's 30,000 students there and nothing within an hour of campus, what else are you going to do?" ... Didn't get into Ohio State ... Still loves the Buckeyes ... Tries as best she can to get the fuck out of Athens in four years. Embraces green lifestyle ... From a suburb of the Big Three C's (Columbus, Cincy, Cleveland) ... Likes to cuddle/hook-up when she's drunk ... Has more than 1,000 friends on Facebook ... she hangs out with one fat guy who always wears hats and has facial hair and is "really funny."

Youngstown State - Says "I'm transferring after freshman year" 10 times before the end of her third year ... Has a ton of friends from Canfield and Cardinal Mooney high schools ... Lives at home ... Drives drunk a lot ... Can't wait to have priest who gave her first communion also marry her ... Has a back tattoo ... Has a lot of friends who's name ends in a vowel ... Visits friends at Kent State or private schools in northeast Ohio ... Always promises those friends she'll be joining them "next year" ... Is Italian ... she is hot until you realize she attends YSU and has probably fucked three or four dudes that look like bartender assistants at bars in the Arena District.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Regressing further in life

(Ethan, Naomi, Grandma, Annie, Dixon, Mom, Teacher, Silver, Navid)

What they're doing in Minnesota to Sen. Norm Coleman is a damn shame. This report on Fox News today is outstanding.
Correcting these typos was claimed to add 435 votes to Franken and take 69 votes from Coleman. Corrections were posted in other races, but they were only a fraction of those for the Senate. The Senate gains for Franken were 2.5 times the gain for Obama in the presidential race count, 2.9 times the total gain that Democrats got across all Minnesota congressional races, and 5 times the net loss that Democrats suffered for all state House races.
Absolutely shameful.

"I'm regressing in life." The Godfather added this tidbit as he played Dr. Mario last night on our couch under a poster of Kellen Winslow Jr. in our living room.

Nintendo. Poster. Living room.

I went to Date State last night on a visit to the Lennox. Saw "Zack and Miri Make a Porno." Terrible name for a movie and it got way too lovey-dovey toward the end (a couple of scenes that just wouldn't end ... including one in slow-mo) but hilarious fucking movie. I'd recommend it to anyone. One incredible thing about this Seth Rogen movie is that it didn't have one reference to smoking pot or him being a Jewish. (A Jewish.) A first on both accounts.

My date got a mixed Icee and I thought that was pretty outstanding. I'd recommend that to anyone, as well. Went back to her place and watched "Gossip Girl" thus making it the Liked the episode although it was perhaps the most predictable one in the history of the show. Still good though and way better than the previous handful. I don't like how some characters aren't ever on the show. Nate? Vanessa? Where art thou Romeo? (There is no Romeo on the show.) Serena and Aaron Rose deserve to die. Seriously.

I did miss watching the show with the trendys though. I will have to return next Monday if they'll have me. They need some alone time with Nemo their dog. Also he shits all over the house so last night I thought, "tonight would be a good night not to step in shit."

Odd to say, but the current edition of "90210" might be the most realistic rendition of what actual high school is like. This comes 18 years after the first show started as one of the most unrealistic depictions of grades nine through 12. Although I don't care about any characters on the show, I still like the show. I thought Navid and Adrianna's scenes on last Tuesday's episodes were top notch. I guess I like those two the best. Too much Naomi last week. The show wouldn't miss a beat without her.

(That was for Esq. who sent me a text last Wednesday night asking about a recap.)

Pretty standard Tuesday. I consistently wake up on Tuesday mornings thinking it's Wednesday. This is a problem and no fun. But I imagine that happens to the best of us. And you.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Monday, November 10, 2008

Ohio State 45, Northwestern 10

Blog on the Run editor

Usually I try to throw out an anecdote from the weekend when recapping the previous four nights. Sometimes it ties together with the rest of the piece, other times it has no bearing or meaning on anything whatsoever.

Too many such examples happened from Thursday, Nov. 6, 2008 through last night.

If I had to pick one, I'd have to pick when The Godfather got lost in the moment singing "Sweet Child of Mine" or My Cousin Kevin (MCK) and his ill-fated plan to get home to Youngstown or The Dr.'s telling his girlfriend (she's a girlfriend) that she's "getting an up-close and personal look on what makes us awesome" or our singing on the train headed back to Wrigleyville on Saturday night or when The Dr.'s girlfriend called him "baby" and we heard her call him "baby" or how every girl in The Only Bar in Evanston went by the name of Emily.

Still, I'm going with two. OK, three.

1. The "Live Your Life" moment at Merkle's.
2. The Godfather's insistence that we check out The Only Bar in Evanston, despite other intel reports.
3. The "I love college football (me too!)" moment.

We got to Cleveland on Thursday night after much consternation. The Godfather and I must have said "nothing is ever easy with him" about 400 times. We got to Mathlete's house (The Godfather's brother) and then walked over to Panini's on West Sixth. Had a few beers and The Godfather and Mathlete went to the game. I stayed behind to drink. Dorothy from Halloween met me and we proceeded to have beers for the next three hours watching the game. I watched far more of the game than her. (Me - All the plays, Her - None of the plays.) Obviously the Browns lost a huge lead and the game and not-so-obviously, MCK decided to meet us in Cleveland. He's another member of the "nothing is ever easy" crowd. He was supposed to meet us in Cleveland at noon on Friday. Instead, he meets us at the bar with his luggage (at the bar) and is looking for his buddy (he was to stay the night with him). Said friend then informs MCK that he's headed back to Youngstown. MCK has no place to stay and ends up at Mathlete's with us. I'd join later.

After the game, The Godfather walked into Panini's with the pissed-off-the-Browns-just-loss face and seemed ready to go home fuck that. He had a beer and spirits (while being drank) improved. He then met Dorothy from Halloween (who went to the same high school as The Godfather). She didn't recognize him. This brought much delight to Mathlete who said, "she's the first person who doesn't know him!" The Godfather claimed she was lying and that she did know him. He then hated on her the rest of the night (behind her back, when she wasn't around). We all had a fun time and some chick in a William Green jersey (with perhaps fake tits perhaps) hung out with us and joined Mathlete and the rest back at his apartment. This girl was someone's cousin. Glad she wasn't mine because you're not supposed to want to bang your own cousin. That's like the 14th amendment so says Moses and Exodus and the prophet Ezekial (What's up religion class!). Due process like what.

I am the biggest Browns, Cavs and Indians fan in the world but I fucking hate Cleveland. I almost made it the entire year of 2008 without going to that Obama-forsaken town. I know a couple attractive girls from Cleveland but ... it's just ... what is the deal? Even when they're wearing jerseys, the girls still look hit. I shouldn't call out the beer tub girl at Panini's because she's an actual human being with feelings and it's mean.

I walked Dorothy back to Kansas and joined the crew at Mathlete's house at about 3:30 a.m. They were eating pizza and playing rap music. I think some mildly unattractive (but not ugly) chick in a Brady Quinn jersey made out with MCK for 11 seconds. I went to bed. Mathlete offered me his bed. I accepted. His brother slept on the floor or couch.

"He did it to spite him," I said.

"Fact," Mathlete said the next morning.

We then drove to South Bend, Ind. for a hamburger at CJ's. The guy working the bar (tough looking Midwestern) brought three packs of smokes with him to work. Three. Cigarettes in Chicago are like $8 a pack. Hamburger was tasty.

Made it to Chicago after I played a great mix on The Godfather's iPod. We were fucking rocking during "Sweet Child of Mine." The Godfather was entirely lost in the moment and for a second I think he thought he was Axl Rose. It was hilarious. I let him have that moment.

Went out with The Dr. to Mickey's. Had 11 beers for the $25 all-you-can-drink 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. price. Saw many a fine bitches including this super hot Italian girl who I see out in Columbus from time to time. Chicago brings it. We basically just drank, watched basketball highlights and talked to friends of McCampus. Got home around 1:30 a.m., watched "The Office" and went to sleep.

It began.

I forgot to wear my jacket to the Ohio State game. I froze. It took forever to get there. The trains were packed. I had a hot chocolate and popcorn that blew all over the place. I also had some sausage before leaving. We sat near a New Yorker who rooted for Northwestern.

We began telling everyone Terrelle Pryor's nickname is "King Black."

It began again.

We walked over to The Only Bar in Evanston following the game. The Hammer told us that the bar was "packed" with "wall to wall" people and that we'd never get in. We seemed resigned to a boring afternoon of pizza, naps and maybe a lame attempt at going out. I was real pleased. The Godfather saved the day saying, "I want to see it with my own eyes. I don't want to make the same mistake President Bush made in 2002 by approving intel he didn't see with his own two eyes." We then went to the bar and did exactly what you expect. Yelled things. The Godfather made friends with strangers. I talked to random hotties (all named Emily) and The Dr.'s girlfriend called him "baby." Penn State lost. Obviously we were the last Ohio State people there come 8 p.m. (ET) and normal people started coming into the "restaurant." We boarded a train and sang songs for about 20 minutes to the delight of all passengers except an old black couple who probably dismissed us as "honkeys." The Godfather took requests and I'm sure his rendition of "Living on a Prayer" is on YouTube somewhere.

We all were pretty wasted at 8:30 p.m. after 6.5 hours of heaving drinking but we went to Wrigleyville and some random bar where a cougar (with husband) attacked Smiles. Smiles let me wear his jacket which was awesome. We then went to Merkles (an Iowa bar!).

Just saw so many random hotties wearing T-shirts from Big Ten schools and a drunk McCampus and crew. I talked to a girl with a Michigan State T-shirt. Pretty much blinders for two hours.

Then it happened.

They played T.I./Rihanna "Live Your Life" about three times and it got awesomer every time. That officially is the song of 2008 taking over "Whatever You Like."

I didn't do this recap justice.

The Dr.'s girlfriend got an up-close and personal look on what makes us awesome.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Ivory & Ebony

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Monday, November 3, 2008

Bye, Weekend

Blog on the Run editor

Have you ever seen that guy on TV? He's pretty awesome. I need to have a 20-minute conversation about him with trendy because I'm sure trendy has his thoughts and feelings on Pat Caddell. I know he'll say ... in these exact words ... "Oh yeah, that guy? He's awesome. Total badass. Total." He'll move his right hand up when he says that last "total." I know it's an odd combo but I'd love to send Godsmack, McGinley, trendy and my dad on a "seven-day talk politics cruise." The conversation would last well after the ship docked. Or until the Miller Lites ran out. The latter probably would happen in about 17 hours.

Listen to me. Being all smart with the sea-faring lingo.

I am hurting this morning. My body is numb in some places. I am sore. No real attention span to speak of. But I actually am getting a lot done at work and had a 7:30 a.m. breakfast meeting. I never have thought so much at 7:30 a.m. My brain hurts too. I had pancakes and scrambled eggs.

I cracked open the first suds last night around 9 p.m. and texted Dorothy from Halloween. I'll get to that. Trying to get to you, too. And that booty.

We had a great exchange (no ATM fees) and I settled into watching a special episode of "Hannity and Colmes" around 10 p.m. That's when I started marveling at Caddell. First off. He looks dead. Like I don't know what dead people look like (nobody does, that's why they look different in all scary movies) but I thought he was a corpse. Then he just said like 15 things that I agree with without being a bastard. I love FOX News. They have on that he's a "former Democratic pollster" so we think he's on "the other side." Ann Coulter also was on and she looks hot after you've had a 22-ounce Heineken can and three 16-ounce Miller Lites also cans. So I'm thinking ... "It's Coulter against Caddell!" But it's not, he just made great sense and I'd probably vote for him if he ever ran for president. He's also younger than my dad and I canfuckingnot believe that.

Watched "Entourage" and really liked Gary Cole's character. I like that actor despite sitting here and being unable to tell you one movie he's ever been in.

Then I got to texting this girl I met at the Ugly Tuna a few Thursdays ago. I remember she was hot and 21. She also has a cool first name. She had a boyfriend at the time. I hadn't heard from her in about a week but she sent me a text last night (11:14 p.m.) that said, "How was your weekend" She didn't include a question mark and I'm not really a stickler when it comes to punctuation in texts. And she's hot and 21.

Turns out "some recent events" happen to be her breaking up with her boyfriend. We then went tit for tat on texts until 1:31 a.m. I didn't get hammered last night (unlike Friday and Saturday) but I definitely had a good buzz. I sent some GREAT texts. If I blogged after a Friday night out, I'd probably win a Pulitzer. Seriously. I'm not one to pat myself on the back but I entertain.

Walking home from the Arena District (with the Truth no less!!) on Friday night had to be the highlight of the weekend. I turned right onto High Street (near Hyde Park) and bumped into the Truth (who was walking north). We had been separated early in the night. It took about an hour. Not a bad walk. We sang "I know what them girls, I know, I know what them girls" like about 500 times and he called a random chick and had the most hilarious conversation ever with her on speaker phone and this is a family-oriented blog so I won't get into that business. They used the word lube.

My fangs didn't work on Friday night so I decided to just wear a suit out with that ridiculous cap I wear on New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day. I also rocked a "Another Democrat for McCain" sticker both Friday and Saturday night. Sleepy is so perplexed and shocked that I'm an "arch conservative." He's awesome. The Godfather and I are on a full-out plan to get him to move here. There's no plan or whatever but we did tell him to move here. It's not a real strong argument but it ain't flimsy either.

I just loved Friday night around 11:30 p.m. the Truth came over dressed as Jim Tressel. He killed it. And we tried to get my fangs to work by boiling down this plastic substance. We looked like we were cooking up meth. It didn't work. You really can't boil water in a microwave. It's just not possible. The Godfather came over and we went to The Patio ($10 cover charge?) and met Rainbow Bright and Headband there. Sleepy showed up, as well. Sleepy had a long heart-to-heart conversation with a random chick who threw beer on people. It included this exchange: "This is the second time today I've been nice to you." ... "Well, fuck you." Awesome.

I swear every chick was dressed as a hotass amazon girl or indian. I just saw so many flat bellies. That's the highlight of the weekend. So many flat bellies. Rainbow Bright gave me shit that I wasn't paying attention to her when we were talking but Jesus Christ, I had a lot of stuff to look at! I failed to make eye contact with anyone I talked to the entire night. I wish the night could have lasted 600 hours. Maybe that's why we walked home.

I met a girl I really like while on the dance floor outside. I went to lunch with her the next day. At Tuttle Mall. That all happened. She was dressed as Dorothy (from "The Wizard of Oz" ... not the one-time gubernatorial candidate) and I commented that Dorothy wore calf high white socks (cotton?) not thigh highs. We hit it off. I don't know what happened but I like talking to this girl, she's fun to listen to, down to earth, is about 5'3'', 100 pounds. It's a dream situation. She lives in Cleveland. Obviously I'll blow it because I'm a firm believer that everyone should just have four or five people they hook up with on occasion and she probably won't be down for that. BUT. But ... I like spending time with her and we'll see what happens. I met her two days ago.

Everyone left and I started walking home. Not enough cabs for all those flat bellies. That's when I ran into the Truth. What a walk. We received "life coaching" from a random near the Statehouse. Of course we did! He (homeless) probably stuck around for the BHO rally on Sunday. I can't wait for the election to be over so I don't have to see The Sports Writer perform Facebook Fellatio on Obama until maybe 2012. I still will be facebooking.

I felt shitty on Saturday from about 2 p.m. until 8 p.m. Then I went over the Truth's and started drinking again while he put on his costume. He was the best Joker. It's not even close. I can't wait to see pictures. I went as Bill from "True Blood." There he is. I looked good. I might dye my hair black. I look sweet. He's a vampire. He's undead. Like Pat Caddell.

The McCampus Party at Callahans rocked. It sort of was more "grown up." Not so much when certain peoples toked up outside on the patio. But most of the girls wore non-slutty costumes. The Godfather houdini'd real early. It was one of the more shocking non-The Mayor houdinis in a long time. I left around 2:30 a.m. ... which I think actually was 3:30 a.m. The time change did not affect me at all this year. I had no idea of time. My text messages on Saturday night weren't as good.

Another awesome day at The Little Bar despite the Browns. We stopped on the way home for milkshakes. What a shitty sports weekend for me ... Cavs, Browns and Blue Jackets all losers and the Buckeyes didn't even play. The Texas-Texas Tech game obviously was awesome.

So was the weekend.

Friday, October 31, 2008

185-Brothers-Park Street Tavern trifecta

Of all things Sleepy decided to go to the Arena District and The Godfather said, "fuck it, I'm in."

We left Club 185 a little after midnight and drove to Brothers. Sleepy had about 10 friends there and most were chicks with a couple dudes thrown in. They were hardcore (and presumably still are) Republicans. We walked over to Patio/Sugar (my suggestion) and there was an Obama banner hanging on the fence. They refused to go in. I'm glad about that because I didn't have any cash on me and there was a $5, five dollar, $5 cover charge.

Naturally we hit that trifecta we normally bang out on Thursday nights. Club 185-Brothers-Park Street Tavern. Ate a bunch of popcorn at "the Park."

Details of all that are kind of hazy. I thought one of the girls looked good so I mainly just talked to her and bullshitted (made fun of people) with The Godfather. I won't write anything further until those folks are out of town and I don't have any chance to see them again.

Earlier, I went to a costume store in Whitehall with the Truth and bought some fangs and black hair spray. The people in the store fit every stereotype you could draw up. We were there for about an hour as the Truth asked 1,764 questions about makeup and had a woman give his wig a hair cut. He only asked 815 questions about the wig.

He smoked 20 cigarette during the trip and told me about his haircut problems on the drive over there in one of those conversations where whenever you suggest something the other person goes back to the other option. Moral? He doesn't think he should be spending $40 on a haircut but he "does like to have a coffee while he gets his haircut." Spent some time talking about his need to pull away from nicotine and caffeine.

Rolled into 185 a little after 10 p.m. and chatted with McCampus as McLimited, Sleepy and The Godfather quoted "Good Fellas" and "Mad Men" for about 25 minutes. McCampus told me he's going as a gay cyclist for Halloween (as if there's any other kind) and concluded by saying, "I look like a mental patient." He left at 11:fifteen. No. 1 in Columbus worked last night so that was advantageous and led to a Sleepy-asked-query, "who's the new girl?" A couple Ohio State football players showed up to enjoy their bye week and then followed us to Park Street. (Allegedly.)

Got home around 2 a.m. The chick from Texas told me I was a "ring leader" and I took that to mean "leader." That didn't bother The Godfather at all.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The clock at 185

You'd think I'd know by now. Been a regular for about three years.

The clock at Club 185 runs 10 minutes late. This didn't stop me from making a mad dash to get back to work for a 1:15 p.m. call. I left lunch at 12:46 p.m. About 14 minutes before I'd normally leave.

Great lunch with The Old Man, The Mayor, Godsmack and The Godfather. I'd love to see a political television show with Smack and The Mayor. They entertain. The Godfather could be the third man ... like off camera and the camera just pans to him for reactions.

That's a great idea.

- From the desk of Art McGregor

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Drinking Season

Blog on the Run editor

Although it's a Tuesday, I don't think any date more epitomizes my life back in Columbus than October 28.

On Friday, Oct. 28, 2005, I met The Mayor and saw The Godfather for the first time in years. We chilled at a center high top and tradition began. The following year, we had the best "Cold and Dark" Ohio State football game in years and then went to that party on campus where everything happened. Earlier that morning, we had "Gray Hooded Sweatshirt Night" at Club 185 and the Truth later would chokeslam Dr. Z at The Godfather's former compound on Whittier.

It's really "drinking season" now that I think about it. Drinking Season runs from the last week of October through the first of the year. Really. Is there any other time during the year when so much considerable drinking goes on? I imagine The Mayor will love that I just named this "Drinking Season" and probably will say it many times.

Drinking Season ends when people stop drinking because of New Year's Resolutions, The 1 hibernates throughout winter, we "celebrate" Lent, the drab days of February, only to be rescued with the funness that is March.

Looking ahead we have Halloween Weekend, a trip to Chicago, Michigan Weekend, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the Friday after Thanksgiving, a weekend trip to Indianapolis, my birthday weekend, the weekend before Christmas, Christmas parties, that week before New Year's where nobody works and New Year's Eve.

Deck the halls.

To the dogs (and my dawgs)

  • What a mess for baseball. I turned the game on in the fourth inning and thought, "OK, they aren't canceling this now because?"

    I looked at the radar. (Did you know there was a Philadelphia, Miss.?) There was a slow moving green and yellow (not a boogar) blob over the Philadelphia (Pa.) region. It probably was going to rain for about 10 hours and worsen. It wasn't like the game was a blowout. It was 2-1. Just say, "hey, sorry about this, but we shouldn't have started this game and now it's over."

    Because Tampa Bay (not a city in Mississippi or Pennsylvania or any of the other 48 states) scored in the top of the sixth, baseball comes out smelling a little rosier or at least less shitty. If they don't score, they would have kept playing in that shit, make NO doubt about it. Anything else they try to sell you is complete well, bull crap.

  • Continuing on that "humans picking up animal shit" theme, I don't hate the trendys dog, Nemo. It's a slacker dog, so I like it. I like that it's a slacker. Not that it's a dog. It kinda just lays around all the time and doesn't make a sound. It's got nappy(ish) hair and is going bald. It kinda looks pissed off that it's a dog and not a human. It's got a human spirit. I gathered this in the four minutes we bonded.

    After a strong first six episodes of season two, "Gossip Girl" has hit more of a rut. Last night's episode was fine, but nothing more than a solid C-plus. Jenny Humphrey (she's 15 on the show ... and in real life) looked like she was about 30-years old. Also, Kaitlin Cooper (from "The OC" fame) had a role on the show basically playing Kaitlin Cooper.

  • I know Ohio State isn't having the best season but ... you know ... they aren't exactly not going to a bowl game and playing on the Big Ten Network's REGIONAL coverage in Week 10 of the college football season. Michigan (2-6) will see its 33-year bowl appearance streak snapped this year with a loss in any of its final four games. The steak is the longest in college football. You can catch the Wolverines on the BTN this Saturday at noon visiting Purdue. So yes. Worst Michigan team in four decades.

  • That's about all I got on this morning. We're getting closer to the weekend. That's good.

  • - From the desk of Art McGregor

    Sunday, October 26, 2008

    Mascot Bevo

    Here's the ad. It's the first time I've ever mentioned cars on this blog.

    The last four seconds says, "saved by zero, saved by zero." I have no idea what that means. I don't have facial hair and look rugged and wear flannels hence I don't know anything about cars. I do have a somewhat good looking, manly chin.

    So today I went to BDL and then The Little Bar. (Little bar, big enthusiasm.) And I'll talk more about that tomorrow but we saw the above commercial at least 600 times during the Browns game. Big win.

    As you know, us three began adding words to the end of the ad-ver-tis-ment.

    saved by zero, saved by zero:

    "Don't wear speedos." - The Godfather
    "Mascot Bevo." - The Godfather
    "That's my creedo." - The 1
    "Eating cheetohs." - All
    "Garlic cheese-o." - Art McGregor

    Obviously mine was the worst and we spent about 10 minutes doing this as the game carried on. First-letter-of-the-alphabet GREAT Sunday.

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    Tuesday, October 21, 2008

    Tuesday afternoon mailbag X

    Welcome to Blog on the Run's tenth Tuesday afternoon mailbag. Here I'll answer questions from readers and non-readers about the week that was and anything else that might come across my mailbag.

    Q: What do you feel is the best part of this blog?

    A: It's without a doubt the "throwaway lines" that sort of make you scratch your head. They're really the essence of who I am and what I'm all about. They're the, "did he really just say that because it sounds completely crazy but probably true" sentences. They're statements I can write 1,500-word entries on but instead just snuck them into long posts about random stuff. My two favorite examples of these are the times I said "I'm not good looking enough to get the type of girl that I like" and the other being when I said that "I don't belong to anything so that way I can make fun of everything." Those are about the two most true statements I can make. They're me. They symbolize everything about my entries on this blog and the way I look at life. I think a lot of people are this way but way too scared and/or proud to admit it.

    Q: There is a lot of struggle in the world. What makes you the saddest?

    A: Seeing hot chicks that look young (early 20s) wearing engagement and/or wedding rings. I look at myself as some sort of a prophet saying that you should always hold out hope that you'll find someone totally hot that makes you feel good about yourself because let's face it, we're always judging ourselves and if you're with someone really attractive, that means others will judge you that way as well. You always want to be with someone better looking than you. You never want to be the best looking person in a relationship.

    And then I see these really attractive girls at the grocery store at noon on a Tuesday. And that's it. Really? That's your life. Right now. And for the next 40 years. You'll be going to the grocery store at noon on a Tuesday. I mean, I know I was there too, but I was just grabbing lunch. And who knows, there's someone out there that could write about me and look down on the fact that I get lunch at grocery stores in Ohio and that's fine. I hear what you're saying. But I'm not a hot chick. If you're a hot chick, you have the world at your beck and call. You shouldn't settle for Giant Eagle at noon on a Tuesday. And yet girls always do. What's the rush? What's the hurry? You're 23!

    Take your time. Be patient. Yes, you will struggle through a lot of terribly boring nights. You'll hate Tuesday and Monday nights and get pissed off at a lot of what goes on around you. But pretty much every other second of your life will be fun. You'll have "endless possibilities." Having the feeling of "endless possibilities" is my favorite feeling in the world. It's why I like cent camp.

    Let's say my life was just one big Saturday night after a 3:30 p.m. football game. I'm always going to advocate cent camp because anything can happen. I never will make going back to the German Village or Club 185 a priority. I know what will happen once I'm there.

    I'm not ready to know what happens next in my life. The girl at Giant Eagle is. She's living it.

    Q: How many drugs were you when you wrote your first entry for Kyle's blog?

    A: None. I just like letting go with stream of consciousness stuff every now and then. I can't wait to write for this week. And if anything, my posts over there are more Art McGregor (fact) than Art McGregor (based on a true story). Yes, I just said my blogging persona is "based on a true story." Not a "true story" as I am in "real" life. And no. I'm not on any drugs right now.

    Q: Are you surprised there hasn't been one story about how gas has gone down about $1.50 per gallon since President Bush lifted an executive order banning offshore oil drilling on July 14? Also, great take on tying college newspaper editorial pages of present to who the "objective" reporters of tomorrow will be. I've never heard anyone say that before but it makes perfect sense.

    A: On the latter, thank you. But no, I'm not surprised there haven't been stories on this offshore drilling thing. If President Obama does something similiar, we'll hear about it on a nightly basis.

    Q: What happens this Saturday with Ohio State?

    A: The game? Who knows. I think anything can happen. I'm seriously clueless as to how this game will play it. The last time I felt this way was the LSU game from earlier this year. That's not a good sign. But I have had opinions on every other Ohio State game. This doesn't seem like a game Ohio State loses. Ohio State is 35-2 in its last 37 regular season games. I'd say they were "supposed to" win 36 of those games (USC being the lone exception). So, this means about out of every 100 games Ohio State's supposed to win, they'll lose three of them. Those aren't great odds for the Nittany Lions. Before the game? Geesh. I don't know. I think the game is the biggest story this week ... even more than the tailgating. That's a first in a long time. I don't care if it rains or it's hot and sunny, just get me to Saturday night.

    Q: You're bringing it on the countdown to Halloween. Can we expect more pictures of hot girls younger than 22 in Halloween costumes?

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    Wednesday, October 15, 2008

    'Friday Night Lights'

    Blog on the Run editor

    I realize many may not have the asinine amount of free time that I do, but I did manage to watch nine episodes of "Friday Night Lights" last night before bed. Time-Warner's wireless connection was messed up last night so I didn't get to watch any episodes in bed.

    Doesn't mean I didn't think about it while there.

    Bill Simmons at wrote about the show this past year. He wrapped it up very nicely:

    Quite simply, FNL is the best date show ever, an improbable cross between The O.C. and every sports show you ever wanted Hollywood to make. It's the first show my wife and I have loved equally, but for different reasons. What can be better than that?
    Simmons goes on to call it the best sports show ever. It is. Without doubt. And the thing is, I like the non-football parts the best. There's really not even that much football on the show considering it's about football. The football scenes look real, if not the endings of those games. (Who consistently runs the ball from the 50-yard line with seven seconds down when you're down four points? ... And high school football games usually are not close. Most games are blowouts.)

    It's really an amazing show. I watch a lot of TV and I really can't delineate amongst the top of my favorites, but this show is right up there and I've only watched 12 of the original 37 episodes. (Season 3 will air on NBC this winter/spring.)

    You can watch all the episodes right here for free. Just don't pay attention to the communist commercials. (There are 15 second commercial breaks.)

    McCampus and The Godfather talked about the show a lot last year. I'm glad I'm finally on the bandwagon.

    In the first dozen episodes, I got choked up about three or four times and heard the following songs:

    "Devil Town" by Bright Eyes
    "Stranglehold" by Ted Nugent
    "Dead Man's Will" by Iron & Wine

    I don't think I will watch nine episodes today. Could go for 10.

    Monday, October 13, 2008

    EGG: Over cheesy and out

    It's over for The EGG. This time, for real.

    We went back to The EGG yesterday for our Sunday ritual. I love Sundays in the fall. Early wake-up, drive to campus, watch football, eat fried food.

    I hated 2007 but one of the best things about that year was going to The EGG. Even when the Browns would lose, we'd still have a great time.

    I had the worst chicken sandwich ever. The EGG is skimming. Do you remember chicken sandwiches from there in April 2007? Plump, white, good looking grilled chicken. Yesterday's sandwich was brown and thinner than an actress on "92010" on a diet. The 1 immediately made fun of it. He said it looked like I had a "smattering" of fries from other people's plates. The cheese on his mini-burgers looked disgusting. Really orange.

    The music is too fucking loud. They have one person on staff that smiles. The TVs don't always show HD and the music is SO loud.

    In The EGGs defense, the Steelers nor the Browns were playing yesterday so that means there weren't many "fans" there. But still, there's no regulars this year. I think people have stopped going. It sucks.

    The 1 and I will be back at BDL next weekend. Or somewhere else. The EGG is so shitty that it could possibly derail Sunday afternoon Fundays.

    And what I hate about The EGG is that I have given it chance after chance. This is the third time I've banned it.

    Can't see being back in 2008.

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    Thursday, October 9, 2008

    Death Cab and cutie

    (Photo credit: cpn, 10-8-08.)

    Blog on the Run editor

    The Lady and cpn talk so quickly that we all were out of breath before the concert even began. Actually, before we parked the car.

    I love hearing those two talk because not only do they tell entertaining stories, but they tell them in entertaining ways. Their delivery is rockstar.

    But we needed an energy drink after the stories of Friday Night Fights at Club 185.

    "[Sonbreath] sent me a text about it at 8:30 a.m. the next morning," The Lady said.

    TD Hoodie, Peaches, cpn and I finished two 32 ounce beers in about two-point-five minutes. Peaches made like Barry Sanders shoving her way through the crowd and got us to within about 10 deep of lead singer Ben Gibbard. I held on to the back of Hoodie's hoodie when bursting through the crowd.

    What were Death Cab fans going to do about it?! It's like 7,000 mes. They ain't doing shit. Mainly because I wouldn't have done shit. When confrontation presents itself, I like to elbow it in the back after it walks past me and then act like I didn't do it.

    Death Cab didn't play "405," but they played everything else I liked. They played five songs off "Plans," and the only one of those I don't really like is "Soul Meets Body." They played my favorites on "Narrow Stairs" and the requisite few from "Transatlanticism" (try saying that word when drunk) ... "Sound of Settling," "New Year," "Expo '86" (awesome), "Title and Registration," and the closer "Tiny Vessels"/"Transatlanticism." A FIVE-SONG encore. Unreal. Not ONE bit of political commentary other than a "make sure to vote" message at the end of the show.
    Props on that.

    They come around once every two years. Their music means a lot to me. I have no problem saying that. Music can make a big difference in someone's life especially if that someone spends a lot of time by his Art McGregorself.

    That's the best thing about music. To write a song for everyone that speaks directly to one person. Only that one person is about 500,000 people.

    I spend a lot of time thinking about myself and most of it's negative. I can't stand the way certain relationships in the past have ended and howevergaythismaysound I credit Death Cab's music with getting me through some really tough times when I didn't know if I'd make it through another day. (Not in a suicidal way, just in a way like, "fuck, this sucks I want to stay in bed." But sometimes I did stay in bed.) So it's emotional in that respect and to enjoy it outdoors in a great environment on a cool, crisp night just makes it that much more amazing.

    Also amazing is the blonde I met outside Club 185 last night.

    Spent time at a high top (yes!) with Bo Bice and The Pacifist. For awhile, I was the only one there without a beard. Their friend also came (unbearded) with a smoking hot brunette (unbearded) who was really nice and I think we did some shots (shottttts) before I headed outside with the blonde.

    She was a real doozie, a former flight attendant born in 1986. Obviously I didn't take her home, but it was a rare night. Not rare that I didn't take her home but. Props to her friend. The friend genuinely seemed to be rooting for me. The friend usually always tries to fuck you over so she can go home and watch "Sex and the City" with the other girl and talk about how she's just like Charlotte but she's really not because she's just not.

    The girl from Reynoldsburg actually was pretty smart and we smoked about four Camel Lights outside. I also gave her a piggy-back ride west on Blenkner. Then carried her ("into the hotel after your wedding" style) across Mohawk where he friend dropped trou and took a piss right behind her car. At 2:34 a.m. she sent me a picture of her cat. Really. Her cat. I am sure we talked about cats at some point in the night.

    I did pretty well for myself. The girl was fucking hot and pointed out that she was "really drunk" at least four times. Before, I'd never had a girl ask for a piggy-back ride that wasn't a relative under the age of 8.

    I walked home around 2 a.m. and fell asleep at about 2:30 a.m.

    A text from The Godfather woke me up.

    I wasn't dreaming.

    Tuesday, October 7, 2008

    Dziena: Warrior Princess




    ... Only in the movies.

    "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist"
    gets a solid A-minus from me. If you recall my review of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," you'll remember I said that it's impossible not to fall in love with Mila Kunis' character Mila Kunis in the movie.

    It's kind of impossible not to want to bang-out Alexis Dziena's character in "Nick and Norah ..."

    Dziena, 24, is so bitchy and hot in this movie. Those two characteristics ... in reverse order ... are the two things I look for in chicks. The strip-tease scene ... mmm ... will be purchasing that on DVD. Not the whole movie. Just the scene. Just kidding. You can't do that.

    Her, "how can you get over me when you're under me?" line will be rethought in my mind. Like a lot.

    No offense to Kat Dennings, it's just, c'mon!

    It's one of those movies where you know exactly what will happen (no way he chooses Norah over Tris ... none), but it's still fucking hilarious. The name of the first mix CD they show cracked my shit up. Mainly because I've done something similar. Yes, I haven't always been this bad ass and/or cool.

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    ... Cable Guy

    (Hat tip, The 1)

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    5:21 p.m.: The great beyond

    (I am against everything this picture stands for.)

    Blog on the Run editor

    Lothario-ing ain't easy.

    Especially on Monday nights.

    I had to make one big decision last night. Felt kind of hungry at about 7 p.m. Since I've given up fast food and Chipotle, this would require a trip to the grocery store. Nowhere else sells food.

    The fuck, you're thinking. Why not just go to the Shell Station for some Doritos?

    Also gave up the entire Shell Station (except for gas) between Mondays and Wednesdays. That move alone will save me ... not making this up ... about $400 a year.

    Back to hunger pains.

    I'm incredibly obsessive about my weight. I weigh myself every morning and write it down on my desk calendar. For example, on the last Wednesday of September I weighed 151.8 pounds. The next day 150.8 and the next 152.6. (Thursday night's 18 gallons of beer I drink.)

    I don't know what days those are (like the 28th, 29th or 30th) because I have to rip off the previous month. But I write in the last week's weights above the first week of each current month. Are you following? No? OK.

    Today I'm at 151.2. Pounds. My cousin Kevin had the nickname "LB" in high school because he pounded beers not because he played linebacker because he played soccer and I think he played fullback because he's a bigger guy but get this he played linebacker and fullback on Tecmo Super Bowl because on that game you control all the positions well not on both teams because that'd be boring.

    This is just a sentence so I don't begin every paragraph with an "I." Moral is this, I didn't go out yesterday. I stayed in. I didn't go and get a loaf of bread and a thing of peanut butter. I stayed in and instead ate three packets of Austin's Peanut Butter Crackers. I had 45 of them. I'm down to about 18.

    Hindsight says I should have at least walked over to Kroger. I could have used the fresh air. After getting home from work at 5:21 p.m., I didn't leave the house. I can't remember that ever happening before. (I've got home at 5:21 p.m. before ... probably multiple times. But not in the same day. That'd be impossible.)

    Alonzo Hindsight usually gives great advice.

    My house is a complete disaster right now. I am living alone this month before The Godfather moves in post-election. The downstairs is clean as can be. All dishes and cups are clean because I never use them. But the upstairs just has clothes everywhere. Except on the ceiling because we're dancing on the ceiling. Clothes ain't welcome.

    Oh what a feeling.

    I'm in the midst of bringing out (bring 'em out, bring 'em out) my sweaters and retiring my 3,215 button down shirts that are either blue or light green. Also in the midst of laundry. Also in the midst of not knowing what's clean and dirty so that means everything is dirty. My hallway is covered in clothes. And socks.

    I didn't leave the house last night. It's tough to blog about that. If I keep having to write short little posts like this on Tuesday morning, I am going to have to at least leave the house post-5:21 p.m.

    That is easy.

    Monday, October 6, 2008

    We don't know two girls

    "There's a league down here every Tuesday night we could get in," The Godfather said. "Only thing is, it's co-ed. Two guys and two girls."

    "We don't know two girls," I said.

    "I know," he responded.

    So it is. There will be no league bowling, but the German Village Bowling Association will be meeting tomorrow night for a trio of games at Gahanna Lanes. I'll be using my purple 12-pound ball also known as my cock. Kidding. I call it Purp12. The ball not the cock.

    I think the Intercontinental Title is on the line. McGinley, by virtue of his 126-124 win over me is the heavyweight champ and since I finished second, I am the Intercontinental Champ. McCampus is last. The Godfather is third.

    Other than trying to get The 1 on Facebook this week, I'm not doing too much. Except I am.

    There is no "Gossip Girl" on tonight and that makes me want to kill myself. If it was on, this could be one of the best weeks ever. Bowling tomorrow, Death Cab on Wednesday, Office on Thursday, off work on Friday.

    Book it.

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    Ohio State 20, Wisconsin 17

    Blog on the Run editor

    There were not any hot chicks where you were at about 11:30 p.m. on Friday.

    They all were at Brothers in Columbus.

    It's rare you experience scenes of unbridled joy. Far more rare that I do. I didn't experience this in the attack of the hotties on Friday, but did so Saturday. Before walking from Fifth Third Bank on S. High Street to Club 185.

    Following Troy Smith's Terrelle Pryor's touchdown run with a minute to go, I turned around and saw beer ... as if champagne ... lighting the campus night. People hugged, people smiled, the Truth said, "that's what I'm talking about it!"

    It was one of the best Ohio State wins in my lifetime. I don't know how to stress that enough.

    1. I watched the game with a girl I genuinely like.
    2. I watched it with the Truth and The Godfather and The Mayor. The 1 left at halftime.
    3. We had a great seat at the video games at the EGG.
    4. The Dr. sent me a text at the start of the fourth quarter that read, "this feels like a great night for the black, long sleeved t-shirt."
    5. The Sports Writer sent me one before the game-winning drive, "time for Pryor to earn his poon."

    We won and we celebrated. I was convinced of failure. You see, most Ohio State fans root for losers in all other sports. Probably 65-70 percent of them root for the Browns, Bengals, Blue Jackets, Reds, Indians and Cavs ... and other than the Cavs, those teams pretty much all suck and are really good at losing heartbreakers.

    It was a game where you hug people. People hugged. People don't hug after beating Troy and Minnesota.

    A star was born.

    ... ... ... ...

    I don't know how I'm not going to Brothers every Friday night. I met the Truth there. We boozed and went our separate ways, ala Phil Collins. I hightailed it over to Sugar/Patio and had some beers with Scott Lewis, pitcher for the Cleveland Indians. Great dude.

    Watched the end of the Angels-Red Sox game (one of the best I've ever seen) and chatted it up with various chicks I've made out with in public before. Somehow saw the Truth outside Bar Louie and in a fit of rage, he pulled me into the car and we went to some random afterhours where he and I got into a popcorn throwing match at 4 a.m. I was that guy in the German Village throwing popcorn at 4 a.m.

    ... ... ... ...

    Sort of has to be noted that two of (probably) 100 or so most recognizable people in the world were in Columbus this weekend. David Beckham and communist Bruce Springsteen.

    ... ... ... ...

    I am in love with Sunday afternoons. The 1 and The Godfather joined me at B-Dubs Lane. B-Dubs Lane is now off the list. That place sort of sucks. But we had a great fucking time. The thing is, we're all sort of drunk. Like, we just say things and laugh harder than anyone else around us. We all came up with the idea of bringing a sign of Chemical Ali and Charles Ali to the Bruce Springsteen concert. This was very hilarious at 2 o'clock on Sunday. That's p.m.

    I didn't want that to end. But it did because our group has a habit of ending really fun things because of no reason. We went home and I endured five-terrible-hours-of-non-drinking-Sunday. Yikes. After throwing back 12 16-ounce Miller Lites last night, I felt better. Slept really well. Right through the alarm. I love that I start drinking (alone) at 9 p.m. on Sundays. It makes the nights so much better.

    I sang "Hello" by Lionel Richie at B-Dubs Lane (BDL).

    ... ... ... ...

    The scene remained the EGG and the afterparty at McFadden's, also known as the happiest place on the planet. I don't know how to explain it other than = packed full of happy people, chicks dancing on bars, tons of smiles, tons of girls hitting on dudes and overall amazingness.

    Obviously the girl I hung out with during the game didn't leave with me so I went to McFadden's to meet up with Pilot Bartender (blog name), Big Mike and The Mayor.

    I saw The Godfather for .21 seconds. He was not looking too good. I've never seen happier at midnight and more drunk/miserable looking at 1 a.m. He was NOT coming in hot, real hot.

    We ran into quite the cast of characters at the EGG. Talked with Antwan Jamison for a good portion of the second half. Great dude. The 1's buddy blew the stankiest farts ever. Fucking awful. I don't normally blog about farts but they were that bad!

    The Mayor and ASD manned the bar and kept the buckets coming. I drank less than everyone because I threw on the blinders for about 45 minutes and just talked to the girl.

    How about I called her yesterday and got excited when she called back. It's been awhile (Staind).

    ... ... ... ....

    The oddest news of the weekend? I somehow bought "Who Knew?" by Pink on iTunes. Drunk texting is so 2006. Drunk iTuning is so right now.

    ... ... ... ... ...

    Ohio State now is 5-1 with winnable games remaining. Just keep on winning Buckeyes and don't stop. thinking about. tomorrow.

    The weekend will soon be here.

    Coming in hot, real hot

    Just getting to my office. Weekend recap up before lunch.

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    Friday, October 3, 2008

    Chili, C-plus, Club

    Enjoyed watching some of the debate with McCampus, McCampus GF, The Godfather and the Truth. the Truth smoked in both the backyard and front porch. The Godfather made really good chili and sent 21 texts.

    McCampus played the gracious host at the Superdome/813. He also has an inexplicable "Express" poster hanging in his living room.

    the Truth and I went to Ugly Tuna until about 1 a.m. Logsdon threw out many "Gerbil Village" references that got zero laughs. They could just have a Chris Logsdon hologram up there because he did the same bit three weeks ago.

    For all his cracks on Gerbil Village, the Tuna rocked an 80/20 male-female split.

    Didn't get much better at Club 185.

    The scoreboard read:

    11 dudes, 3 girls.

    Good times at the Club, however. They've got a new bartender that I assume will draw in a few new repeat customers. She's got some talent.

    A C-plus Thursday night. I feel good this morning.

    It's time for the weekend.

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    Tuesday, September 30, 2008

    You can't strike out October

    If the German Village Oktoberfest is allowed to A spell October "Oktober" B be held the first weekend in September and C take place outside the German Village, I'm allowed to celebrate the start of October in September.

    No real celebrations planned for this evening. Since there are 14,713 "events" in Columbus tonight, there will be no bowling. The 1 said he "probably could play next week," so he's out indefinitely. McCampus said if the place didn't close at nine he could play (fair) and McGinely hasn't responded to my text in the past four minutes. Slacker.

    I can't speak of other celebrations in Columbus. No word yet as to if Tremont is going to be sponsoring "Cocktoberfest."

    I've done other homages to the month of October. I don't feel like digging them up.

    It's the best month of the year. You've got Halloween (underrated holiday and one of only four holidays that count ... Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, Halloween) and its slutty chicks, crazy football, baseball and basketball. You've got the start of the NHL season and hockey nights in the Arena District. You've got television shows in full swing. You have the best Ohio weather. Ohio State is back in session. It's just amazing.

    Signing off in September. See you first day of October.

    Let's head out swinging.

    - From the desk of Art McGregor

    They play music at grocery stores

    Blog on the Run editor

    I've eaten lunch at the Giant Eagle Hot Food Bar on Steltzer Road about 14 or 15 times in September. Just noticed something today.

    They play music in grocery stores. I hadn't really noticed this since I worked at a Big Eagle in the summer of 1995.

    I dig the tunes! In our Columbus market, the music they play is a combination of Sunny 95 (94.7 FM) and Mix 97 (97.1 FM). A more pumped-up version of adult contemporary. I approve. Today they had Annie Lennox's "Sweet Dreams."

    The lyric "everybody's looking for something" really means something in a grocery store. Everybody in there is looking for something.

    Except me in the summer of 1995. I was looking for nothing.

    I worked about 18 hours a week and they were the worst 18 hours of the week. I made something like $65 a week. I got paid every two weeks. I was forced to be in a union. That was awesome. Thanks unions. I really got my money's worth.

    I usually worked three or four days a week. My least favorite shift was the 5 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. shift. I'd have to miss the Tribe games! This was before cell phones. Sometimes my mom would come in and tell me the scores. I also always had to work the shitastic Sunday noon to 8:30 p.m. shift and Saturday's from like 2:30 p.m. to 8 p.m. I hated it. I lived about .8 miles from the store. I'd walk there (drive if raining).

    I led the league in "giving up shifts." If you wanted to pick up extra hours, I was the guy to see. I would dress in my work outfit, knowing full well I wasn't working and stay away from the house for five hours. Hopefully my mom wouldn't be shopping that night. I took chances.

    I'd go see movies or play softball and what not. I finally quit in early September of 1995. I called off sick on my last day. (Of course I did.)

    Longest three months of my fucking life.

    If you remember college football, it was the time Michigan scored 18-unanswered points in the fourth quarter and beat Virginia 18-17 on the game's final play. I had to be at work at 4 p.m. and there was no way in hell I was missing the end of the game.

    The song they played on the grocery store station that summer at least 30 times a day was Rusted Root's "Send me on My Way." They never had a DJ. Just songs 24/7. I don't know how they came up with song orders. I was too busy bagging groceries.

    Then again, who am I to disagree?