Monday, December 22, 2008
By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor
Had quite the bender this weekend. Put on a rather nice drinking display. If we were to liken my weekend to an NBA (basketball) game, we'd say (because we are going to liken, if not lichen, this shit) I shot the ball 36 times, made 17 of them, made a handful of free throws, had one rebound (rim shot!) and no assists. I scored 51 points in a losing effort. Will get into the weekend shortly. Seriously. It's a two-day work week for me. Well, three but whatever. Again. We'll get into tha. I promise. I'll even find that missing t from the last word two sentences ago.
If you know anything about me, it's two things: God hates me and I'm the most unlucky sports fan/gambler/fantasy football player of all-time. I'm the most influential sports fan in the history of the world. That's not a joke. Teams I root for FLAT-OUT don't win. I know people enjoy hearing stories about fantasy football almost as much as they like picture-only-posts over at German Village Media that make sense to only one person, but I'm going to give you an example.
I played in the Final Four of my Yahoo! fantasy league the weekend of Dec. 12. I had the No. 1 seed and rolled through the regular season. Then Andre Johnson single-handily beat me with a FRANCHISE RECORD 200-some-odd-yards receiving day. So keep this in mind, the Texans have been around for five or six years and ... and ... this dude had the BIGGEST DAY in the history of the team ... just to beat me. This past week (yesterday) when Andre Johnson wasn't playing against me? He had FUCKING ZERO CATCHES. NONE.
Everything fell apart on Saturday night. This continued into Sunday. This doesn't include when I randomly left Art School Dropout's apartment without saying a word but in full view of everyone. I picked five bowl games this weekend. I won't count the one I won because ESPN pointed out that 94 percent of the country made that pick as well, so no big deal on that one. So I lost the other four. This is almost impossible to do. I picked two favorites and two underdogs. Had I picked any other combination, I'd have won more games. It's pathetic.
I'm an all-or-nothing-type guy. When fucking Belton (Wake Forest player) scored on a god damn meaningless touchdown run when Wake coulda just KNEELED on the ball, I threw myself to the ground and knew it was all over. I really threw myself on the ground. The Godfather witnessed this action. Despite there being 35 other bowl games to go, I knew my goose was cooked. I look forward to Bowl Season probably more than anyone and as of right now, in our 35-man poll, I am in FUCKING LAST PLACE. It's all over. I look forward to looking forward to the Motor City Bowl and the Independence Bowl and even the International Bowl. It's all over now.
God hates me.
Monday, December 8, 2008
As you know, we call big white guys "Logan Mankins" because there's a big guy with that name. He plays offensive line which is awesome because if you name your kid LOGAN MANKINS it's pretty much a guarantee that he's going to be playing offensive line.
I now will refer to all big black guys as Vishante Shiancoe once I figure out how to pronounce his first and last name.
- From the desk of Art McGregor
It seems like the Ohio State basketball team takes awhile to get warmed up.
They start each game with the pass-it-around-the-3-point-line-for-30-seconds-and-then-take-and-miss-a-bad-shot offense before settling into a groove and wearing teams down with defensive pressure, athleticism and decent depth. They'll have a good years before losing in the first or second round of the NCAA tournament. But they're enjoyable to watch. Even though we know they're going to flame out, we'll still watch and support.
About midnight on Saturday night came our flame out.
Anticipating a crazy, hanging-from-the-rafters-type evening, we went to a basketball game, had a sit down dinner, went to a bar with seven people in it before heading to a couple of others bars before half our posse houdini'd and left The Godfather and I at the bar. Guess it was time to leave. This came at about 12:07 a.m. when the bar started to fill up, there was about a 50-50 male/female split and we'd never have to worry about seeing any of those people ever again. I also had been drinking heavily and had the quickest buzzkill in Hoosier State history.
I had heard some legendary stories of road trips to Indianapolis.
My New Year's (starting today) Resolution is to never houdini. It kills evenings. I mean, I know it doesn't all the time but still.
That's the thing with expectations. Very rarely do you have a hanging-from-the-rafters-type evening. But I thought Saturday would make it happen.
Great time at the Ohio State-Notre Dame. We were exactly the dicks you thought we'd be to Notre Dame fans. We had amazing fucking seats. I liked Lucas Oil Stadium and the game was wildly entertaining, Ohio State led most of the way and I had a 96-ounce lemonade in a souvenir container.
Enjoyed the drive to and from the game. We talked about Facebook a lot. I made some tweets on other occurrences but not currencies (foreign or otherwise). Props to McGinley and The Godfather (the liberal who said that college professors are responsible for jump-starting a state's economy) for providing the plans and the wheels.
Little did I know I'd have the most crazy fun Friday night at BAR LOUIE'S which still sucks and what not but had a good high top, talked to chicks and tried to go drink-for-drink, shot-for-shot with Logan Mankins Jr. (Wyoming Guy). Not a good move. I think Wyoming Guy is like 6-foot-5, 300 pounds and has a beard or something. I don't know if he actually has a beard but when I think back to the month he was around Columbus, I'll remember the (supposed) beard.
The Little Bar saved this NFL season. I look forward to Sundays again. Leodis! (Lee-otis.) Sometimes on the German Village Media Family of Networks (GVMFoN) we say something and you're all like, "what the fuck are they talking about?" Leodis is a defensive back on the Buffalo Bills. Bills fans always yell his first name so we do too. Leeeeeeottttttis.
Crazy Steelers Guy from a few weeks back was in the building and I told The Godfather, "he's out-Bills-fans-ing the Bills fans!" He is insane. He did four consecutive upper-cut fist pumps (alternating hands ... from a crouching position) while yelling "whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo." I can't wait for next Sunday. Hot, friendly bartender (I think The Godfather and myself nearly proposed), hilarious owner-type-dude that live wagers on Internet gambling sites, a Canadian guy that progressively got more and more chatty and drunk (we never knew his name) and the bartender's heaven-sent-ass. Plus Bills fan. I've now named the four Bills fans:
1. Marshawn - The leader. Works at OSU hospital and gets real drunk on Sundays. Don't get sick on Mondays.
2. Whitner - Quiet guy. Doesn't drink.
3. Beard - Yells a lot has a rocking huge beard.
4. Edwards - Most negative fan. Hates Derrick Dockery and once said ... "The Bills have two players. Leodis and Marshawn."
The 1 got their early and we sat at the bar (great move). We made friends and hung out there for about four hours. I could have stayed longer but the bartender's shift was up which prompted us to ask, "so what are good nights of the week here ... that you work?"
We'll be watching the Fiesta Bowl there and maybe New Years Eveing it. She works a lot of jobs.
Got home and started to drink at nine. Fell asleep at 1 a.m.
I'm heading over to the trendys for "Gossip Girl" tonight.
I really thought I had a chance to date the girl I've currently been seeing for more than six weeks (a record for me since moving to the German Village) but about five weeks in ... that's about over. She's all the sudden "studying" a lot more and "passing out at 1." Remember that time you chose studying over hanging out with someone you wanted to see? I haven't seen her since this past Tuesday and look forward to asking her out (and being denied) two more times. I mean seriously. Why not just say, "look, you're fun to talk to but I am not going to hang out with you again." Would it be that hard?
It's like with Dorothy from Halloween. I flat out told her: "You live in Cleveland. I liked hanging out with you so I'm not going to lead you on." It took about four seconds. WTF.
I bet that you love reading this shit.
Happy fucking Monday.
- From the desk of Art McGregor