Trip to IU, Part I

By ART MCGREGOR
Blog on the Run editor

"You called her a townie," The Godfather said.

"To her face?"

"Yep."

Oops. She deserved it though. I really wanted to say, "you're married to a dude with earrings."

Not quite sure what it is about me. Whether I've got a smug face, a face that frustrates people, a face that looks like I should get my ass kicked or what. But for doing nothing except playing songs on a juke box and picking up my coat, I got into two neverending "fights" where people stared at me and yelled at me or asked me, "are you saying smart things about me?"

I knew I'd need those condoms.

The townie lady (not an unattractive older woman in her upper 40s-ish) ... Townie Lady ... that's better ... Townie Lady accused me of masterminding a plan to steal coats at Kilroy's that had been going on for weeks. "My daughter-in-law had it happen to her two weeks ago!," she said.

A.) You are old enough to have a daughter-in-law although in Indiana I'd have to assume most women over the age of 36 have daughters-in-law.

And B.) Your husband tries to play peacekeeper and has long stringy hair, facial craters, a ponytail, earrings and glasses.

Finally C.) You are wearing an Indiana University Starter jacket.

D.) Back to A.

McGinley got some great lines to her about, "you're being an ass right now" and "you'll regret this in the morning." She wanted to know that I was wearing my jacket. She said, "well what's in your left pocket?"

On the way to Bloomington we stopped and picked up some essentials. I got a 4-ounce bag of Sour Patch Kids, a bag of Troyer Farm Kettle Cooked Potato Chips and orange Gatorade 2. That's G2 not "I got Gatorade too." I also made sure to buy a box of XXL Condoms. I knew I'd need them. I like buying condoms from women in their 70s at gas stations in Small Town, Ind. USA.

I told Townie Lady, "A box of condoms." I then whipped it out (the box of XXL, not the XXL) and raised the box like The Lombardi Trophy.

That sort of ended things.

This was about at 10:30 p.m. on a night of non-stop drinking, shot taking, spread eating that ran from 6 p.m. to 3 a.m. By the end of the night, The Godfather was walking home by himself, The Dr. and I were looking for anyone with a vagina to say hello to while sharing a piece of pizza and McGinley had a box of pizza in the street trying to track down a cab. We got a cab, picked up a despondent Godfather a quarter mile down the road and then broke the record for farts ripped in a hotel room between 3:30 a.m. and noon. Other than McGinley's odd decision to turn the fucking television on at 9:30 a.m., we made zero bad decisions on the weekend.

Wait a second, that's not entirely true.

"I fucking loved that place Ricks! Best place ever," I said.

"You mean, Nick's?" The Godfather asked.

Why'd we leave to go to the pool hall place where I did some shots of SoCo and Lime and this blue shit. McGinley and I almost started a fight there when I was talking to a girl with a boyfriend. It happens.

On Friday night back in Columbus a girl told me (unsolicited) "I love your look."

"That had to make your weekend," The Dr. told me.

"My month."

Riding high, I let it fly at Nick's. Talked to a few different chicks. Girls I knew from back at Ohio State including a 16-year-old (at the time) that I used to buy beers for in exchange for hook-ups with her and her friends. Also saw some work peoples and random Indiana girls on that Indiana night.

"You could have had that," The Dr. said.

Why did we leave Nick's? Nick's had a 50-50 male/female ratio. This isn't scientific but it seemed that way to me. It was huge and neverending. The "bar" had about 16 different rooms and they all were packed with hotass white and Jewish girls.

"If you like Jewish girls and girls with dark hair, IU is for you," that one guy said.

"It's one of the few schools that I actually think I could have gone to," McGinley (an OSU grad) said.

They did play Grey Street by Dave Matthews for at least 19 minutes straight. I thought I had a good mix at Kilroy's.

Time Frame:

4 p.m. to 6 p.m. - Game
6 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. - Kilroy's on Kirkwood
11:30 p.m. to 2 a.m. - Nick's
2 a.m. to close - Fucking terrible upstairs bar with pool table

Kilroy's had two hot bartenders with big tits and short white shorts. One girl had a perma-wedgie exposing her perfect shaped orange-sized butt cheeks. Like the two cheeks looked like oranges covered in tight white shorts. We ordered the following: super nachos; two orders of chicken fingers with fries; 24 wings; pepperoni rolls and something else? We also drank these 32-ounce beers with stunning frequency.

"Let's take over the Illinois Republican Party!" - The Hammer, 9:34 p.m. EST.

The Illinois native then said, "But we'd have to do it after June because I'm going to be busy."

Viva!

The Dr. then said he'd like to run for office. "But I'd have to move to Peoria." He quickly and kindly took back the idea.

The Bum at the beginning of the night that tried to fight me almost isn't even worth discussing. He smelled so bad and got mad I didn't play a song he suggested on the juke box. He then stared at me for at least 45 minutes before getting kicked out. The Godfather said, "We did people try to get into fights with us? There are hippies in San Francisco that think we're pussies."

To be continued ... I have a lunch thing and will be posting Part II in the afternoon. Much more to tell.