Friday, June 27, 2008

Cross-country malarkey

Blog on the Run senior writer

YAKIMA, Wash. - Hello? Testing, one, two, three. Is this blog on? By the looks of the comment section it isn’t.

The great Art McGregor asked me to write for this online rag. Who could turn down a chance to spew screed for the German Village Media Family of Blogs? At least anything I post is better than that Sports Writer guy. Get a haircut and a real job you hippie!

Thursdays I’m supposed to put on my scribe suspenders and write something. I tend to be thirsty on those days, and alcohol rarely helps me remember deadlines. AMG used to threaten my job when I didn’t do stories for him; now his only power is snarky text messages comparing me to athletes or political figures who let him down.

He’s good at those: “Don’t Danny Ferry me today,” is a lame attempt from me.

Sporadic will best describe me since I’m about to start a cross-country journey and a new job at Fossil Publishing writing newspaper articles. Seth is coming out here for my going-away bash at Yakima’s trendiest night club, Victoria Continental, and just dropped off a complementary bucket of women on his way across I-90. He said something about a retirement party for a guy named Bill in Seattle.

Once he’s done with that malarkey, the real adventure starts July 8 with Wine Snob in the navigator chair. There’s scheduled stops in Bozeman, Mont., to pay my respects to “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.” Then our crew begins the great crossing of North Dakota before reaching Chicago for a few days. (Seth says he met Kanye at the Super Bowl.)

If nobody dies from dysentery, the oxen hold up and I avoid fording too many rivers, we should arrive in C-Bus around July 16-18ish.

Jose Canseco was supposed to meet up with me and AMG for a reunion but just bailed. Our triumvirate ruled Fogarty’s on football Sundays in Key West, but lately he’s been busy. His lame text-message excuse was accepted the moment I heard the UPS man ring the doorbell.

"A-Rod is being a bitch again, so I’m hitting another book out of the park. My fault. See you, AMG and The Godfather on your cross-country tour stop in C-Bus. The 40-40 club is my goal for the night. The bottle of 'Dre on the table is from me."


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