The talking heads Olympics

By MISTERTRENDY
Blog on the Run senior writer

All this fervor in Beijing (due primarily to Rowdy Gaines’ stellar commentary on the endless pool that is the Pool Cube) has me thinking how cool it’d be to have an Olympics-style competition amongst television political commentators.

Talking

Hands down, the favorite in the talking competition is Ron Brownstein. The guy is fast and witty, albeit ultra-Sethy and liberal. Nonetheless, when that person came up with the whole “are you listening, or waiting to speak” saying, they were thinking of Brownstein. What’s remarkable is that, despite lacking an upper lip, Brownstein manages to cram more words in a 10-second sound bite than The Mayor crams people in his kitchen during a hop-skip spring party.

Bastardly

This one is actually a tighter competition than you might think. In ’04 in Athens, Bill Kristol was the odds on favorite and didn’t disappoint. His snarky remarks, constant smirks, overall zany disposition, and ghetto booty just screamed “bastard.” That said, and as much as it pains me to say it, Keith Olbermann is giving Kristol a run for his Seth-like money in ’08. Olbermann doesn’t even try to be fair. His “I’m a wealth-redistributing badass and I don’t give an F what you think because I used to work at ESPN” attitude has raised some eyebrows (Keith’s are painted on) in many circles. The edge still goes to Kristol, but the old man may have spent his last days atop the Hill after these games conclude.

Smelliest

Even though she’s not a commentator, per se, the smelliest person in all things news has to be Greta Van Susteren. Granted, no one has ever actually smelled her, but there’s a reason she had nose reduction surgery. The source of the stench is unknown, but if the stank don’t fit, you must acquit.

Biggest Jowls

This event is always a fan favorite, mainly because competitors stand up on stage and shake their heads back and forth to demonstrate the breadth of their jowls. Brit Hume is the reigning champion of the jowls, and I have no reason to doubt that he will win again this year. Many in the know have noticed a chilly relationship between Hume and Lou Dobbs lately and wondered why. Jowls, my friends. Dobbs has been making a push lately by laying his jowls on top of one of each of his guests’ faces. He calls it “jowl bagging.”

Nappiest Facial Hair

Rumor has it that in 2006, Jeff Birnbaum and Wolf Blitzer had a “comb off” to see whose facial hair was more robust. Blitzer cheated, ala Seth, by combing the back of his neck in addition to his beard. Listen, Blitzer has been a force of nature, with coverage from ear to ear … but Birnbaum has re-invigorated the sport with his insistence on the over-sized porn stash. Although never fair or smiling, the robot Blitzer gets the nod here.

mistertrendy's column runs every Monday.