'Jonesing' for a milkshake

(Seth in 2005. Last known photo.)

By MISTERTRENDY
Blog on the run senior writer

Try as I might, I’ve been unable to keep Seth out of my columns. For those who don’t know him, Seth is this friend I met in college at OSU. He was not enrolled at the time, but he hung out with a bunch of people I knew from South Campus and blah blah blah.

Anyhow, I can’t help featuring Seth this week, because what he did on Saturday needs to be made public. See, Seth gives me a call on Thursday. He doesn’t even say hello…just says “hey man, wanna crash a wedding Saturday?” I was, of course, appalled at the thought. Seth wouldn’t back down though, claiming he knew of a wedding taking place in Bexley that was huge so we’d blend right in. Of course, leave it to Seth to not think it’s weird for two dudes to go to a random wedding in Bexley. He claimed he had “Bexley cred.” Well, missestrendy was having none of it, so I told Seth I’d be his DD, but that’s it. Seth was down with the offer.

So, I pick Seth up at 4 on Saturday, as he insisted he didn’t want to miss the 4:30 ceremony for fear of blowing his cover. I show up at Seth’s parents house and there’s Seth, sitting on the couch shot-gunning Pabst. Seth is still unshowered and wearing a New York Jets sweat suit. That’s right. A sweat suit…not just sweat pants or a sweat shirt, but a sweat suit…in the middle of summer….drunk…wearing a Mets baseball cap. I’m a tad pissed because missestrendy wanted to go to an early dinner and I told her not to worry. I should have known better.

Well, no surprise here, but Seth was not “feeling” the ceremony portion and asked me to PBR him ASAP while he got ready. I went to the fridge to find no beers. Seth claimed I owed him for not going to the wedding with him, so I made a beer run and picked up a six pack of Red Stripe. Seth only drinks Red Stripe when someone else is buying. Luckily, I was able to convince Seth to head to the reception hall early to score a good table instead of lounging around at his parents’ house pounding Jamaican beers in used bottles.

This is where it got crazy. We pull up to this reception place, and Seth is getting’ into his pre-game mode…spraying Axe body spray all over the place and practicing his lines to chicks (his personal favorite “hey baby, wanna pay me for sex?”). I said to him “ok, Seth. I’m outta here. I’ll pick you up at 11:30.” Seth replied “nah loc, you best pick me up at ‘the bar’ at 2:30.” I just nodded and said yes, knowing full well Seth would probably call at 9:30 after getting kicked out of the reception.

At 7:30, I get a call from Seth. He was slurring his words big time, but I thought I heard him say “it’s a cash bar, it’s a cash bar” over and over again. Leave it to Seth to crash a cash bar with no cash. He’s practically crying on the phone telling me how he borrowed $100 from some chick he wants to bang and needs me to come to the hall and spot him a couple hundred. Trying to be a good friend, I reluctantly go to the hall and meet him in the parking lot. There’s fuckin’ Seth, standing there with a group of 80-something year olds smoking pipes. I’ve never seen so many pipes. Even the grandmas were smokin’ them. I slowly approach the group, knowing this was going to look weird. As I walk up, Seth screams “hey hey, this is the guy I was tellin’ you about. ‘Mr. PBR’!” The elderly folks are crackin’ up, then Seth turns to one of the women and grabs her ass while screaming “Palestine!” I obviously wasn’t in on the joke and thought that was a just a tad creepy, but they were all drunk and smokin’ pipes of something, so I let it pass.

I pulled Seth aside and gave him $200 and started walking away. I was super pissed at this point. Seth shouts out “wait, I want you to meet this chick I’m gonna bang!” I don’t know what I was thinking, but I walked back in sheer curiosity. I walk back, and Seth points to this woman that had to be about 98. He introduces me to Gertrude and proceeds to lick the side of her face and whisper in her ear “I’m gonna bang you baby” while I try to make small talk and get the hell out of there. Well, Gerty was lookin’ a little weirded out but was hard of hearing so she didn’t catch Seth’s crude comments. Seth was just lickin’ the shit out of her face.

That’s when I caught it. Seth was reaching into this lady’s purse as he licked her face, stealing one dollar bill after one dollar bill. I was ready to call him out, but I just couldn’t.

That’s when I just bolted. I literally ran away, knowing that nothing good could come of the situation. Seth seemed pissed for about a second, but as I climbed back into my car, I looked back to see Seth running in the other direction with a pipe in one hand and Gertrude’s purse in the other. The old people just didn’t know what to do. No one was even chasing him, but there was Seth, bolting up Main St. I knew where he was headed. That’s right, Capital University.

I didn’t have time to stick around, because by now missestrendy had texted me about 100 times wondering where the hell I was. Well, you can probably guess what came next. Seth calls me from the Graeters on Main claiming he’s “jonesing” for a milkshake but has no cash. I was not making another trip back to bail him out, so I told him to fuck off. Needless to say, I haven’t heard from him since. If you’ve seen or heard from Seth, please comment. To my knowledge, his whereabouts are unknown.