Sunday, July 27, 2008

Tour de Beers

Blog on the Run senior writer

So Obama’s trip was a huge success. He drew crowds in Berlin that city hasn’t seen since Hitler. What an accomplishment. Seriously though, Obama’s travels got me thinking today about what it’d be like if Art McGregor (AMG) went on a similar tour. AMG’s” Tour de Beers” would include all the favorite establishments in and around our great city. This week’s column explores such a scenario.

AMG, like Obama, would likely begin his tour with a stop at the two battlefields – Club 185 and the High Beck. At 185, he would address a situation that he’s been b(l)ogged down in for too long. Many have been asking how long until AMG gets out of 185. AMG has insisted that he will listen to the vapids on the ground and determine a reasonable timetable for withdrawal (from the bar, not from drinking alcohol). Departing hastily might leave behind many unexploited opportunities and lead to a surplus in Miller Lites. AMG would no doubt take the opportunity to lay out his plan to begin a phased withdrawal of two nights per month for 16 months. AMG would also address recent speculation that he will be eating beers at 185 for the next 100 years.

At High Beck, AMG would emphasize the need to refocus his efforts and not allow the jean shorts to get out of control. The neglect of the High Beck over the past year has led many analysts to declare that the homeless have reconstituted themselves. Nearby Round Bar has been providing safe haven for Pabst to cross Willow Street freely. AMG would pledge to shift one 185 night per month to High Beck to gain control of the situation.

On the final leg of AMG’s Tour, he would visit the West (sort of) – the Patio, Brothers, and Barleys. Barleys would be a quick stop, given the recently elected conservative bar tenders who insist on micro-brews. At Brothers, he would speak candidly to patrons and the Truth about their shared history and look to build upon the common goal of watching finger bangs. Finally, AMG would conclude his journey before throngs of 20-somethings at the Patio. AMG would take the stage for his speech, prompting mosh pits as he displays his ability to hold four Miller Lites in one hand. When asked by Scags, a Patio regular, “you gonna drink all those?” AMG would respond with a resounding “Yes I can!” In a bold move, AMG would seek to have the wall torn down between outside and inside. The mood at the Patio would be glorious, but AMG’s request for patrons to visit High Beck more often would be greeted with a chilly reception.

AMG would finally return home to America, relaxing on his couch with a six-pack of Miller Chills. When asked about his choice of the Chill, AMG would respond with one word – change.

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