Sunday, July 6, 2008

Who's fuckin' the ugly chick?



BY DR. WILLY LOMAN
Blog on the Run senior writer

YAKIMA, Wash. - Just a three-day holiday weekend away from the cross-country drive, and the Es-Cape (French for poor gas mileage) is ready to roll. Wine Snob joins me for the trip east and wants to see “the shit that lies between New York and L.A. ” He’s a strong asset since his occupation, wine maker, is about a six on the wet-panty scale (somewhere between “I’m in a band you’ve never heard of” and “I’m in medical school right now.”) Any chick drinking wine in our vicinity will deal with him dropping phrases like “what’s the vintner on that?” and “you should really try this wine, made it myself.” (If restaurants/bars serve Washington wine, he’s golden.)

Wine Snob doesn’t understand the Midwest (or the Great Lakes Region if you’re a tool), so I’m anticipating some interesting reactions. He expects to spy at least three tornadoes and have a cow fly over the Es-Cape during this trek. For some reason people all across the country think tornadoes are a daily occurrence in Ohio. They also deem me crazy for wanting to live somewhere with (GASP!) humidity. All of their stories start with, “I got off the plane and just couldn’t breathe! I don’t know how anyone gets anything done out there.”

My reply is simple to Washington snobs: “How many presidents are from Washington? Thanks for the shitty coffee, though. Those stands provide a place for guys to do the first-date interview and get out relatively cheap without appearing chincy.” (How is chincy not a word and ginormous is?)

Fucking Washington. There are a lot of assholes in this state who think they’ve got it all figured out. One thing I do expect to hear from Wine Snob during our journey is this: “You’re right, Columbus is better than Seattle.”

Here are some other great expectations:

1) Woo Miss July.

2) Complain to park ranger at Mt. Rushmore: “Why the fuck isn’t Reagan on there?”

3) Confuse berated park ranger further: “And where the hell is Bill Clinton?”

4) Utter the phrase: “Fucking South Dakota.”

5) Laugh when Yo Adrians yells “Who’s fucking the ugly guy?” at a group of Wisconsin co-eds.

6) Think “Boozing in Bozeman” is hilarious.

7) Say “Fuck Notre Dame” while having sexual relations with Tits McGee (recent ND grad).

8) Pop Dre, take sip, shatter bottle.

9) Hear “nice hair” from AMG

10) Say “Is that Kanye?” anytime a black person passes by in Chicago.

This article was penned on Thursday, July 3.

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